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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think I was out of order.....

28 replies

tessofthedurbervilles · 23/12/2008 09:32

A woman at work (think large hairy single lady, a lot of cats, lives alone) was told of my pregnancy and made a number of nasty remarks about the absence of a partner (he f*cked off at the news hard nothing from him since) everyone else has been supportive.
When I was told of her judgemental comments I lost it and started ranting 'Well she's just jealous because she hasn't had it in years' and other mean remarks. I am afraid to say that everyone laughed and joined in and now I feel rubbish as she is clearly a lonely bitter lady and I should have risen above it.....

OP posts:
lindenlass · 23/12/2008 09:34

Oh dear. Why not say what you've just said here to your colleagues? And then smile sweetly at her next time you see her?

Iklboo · 23/12/2008 09:34

Blame your hormones!

justunaccomplishedsanta · 23/12/2008 09:34

You probably were out of order but your reaction was understandable. I would have reacted the same. And it does sound like she is very bitter and twisted. Don't beat yourself up about it.

NotQuiteCockney · 23/12/2008 09:35

It was not very kind (or helpful) of the people at work to pass on her judgemental comments. Did they think you honestly needed to know?

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 23/12/2008 09:36

Yes it probably wasnt the best thing to have said, but you will learn to rise above the comments, as i am sure their will be more, speaking from experience here, as my dp went awol when he found out i was pg.

But dont beat yourself up about it, just smile and breath deeply next time she makes negative comments

OrmIrian · 23/12/2008 09:39

Well you obviously are a decent sort or you wouldn't care now. You were unreasonable but I guess it's understandable in the circs.

It's taken me a long long time to learn to breathe, think calmly and laugh/smile about things like that. But it is worth the effort.

Don't worry any more. Try to be nicer to her when you get the chance.

pamelat · 23/12/2008 09:40

Oh dear.

I can see why you reacted as you did, but I would also feel guilty. Hopefully she will never get to hear of it, might be upsetting for her.

A woman moaned at me for having a pushchair at the xmas light switch on (it was only 4pm and DD is 11 months, I need a pushchair) and I said something really nasty about her to my DH. I was quite shocked at myself but it was along the lines of what you have said.

Original poster
tessofthedurbervilles · 23/12/2008 09:47

Can't be nice to her she is not speaking to me as I am symbolic of what is wrong with society today. As my colleagues have been great I just feel so embarrassed.....

OP posts:
Leo9 · 23/12/2008 09:51

agree it was your colleagues who have created this. Of course you felt vulnerable so you lashed out in defence. I mean, you shouldn't have said those things, no, but when we are defensive that's what happens. They obviously wanted to tell you and get the reaction basically.

I can't see the point in them sharing these nasty comments with you; It wasn't kind to you IMO.

pamelat · 23/12/2008 09:56

Oh does she know what you said?

If so, I would apologise but just explain that right now is a difficult time for you (even it if isn't) ... etc etc

nickytinseltimes · 23/12/2008 09:56

You were provoked.
Agree, colleagues 'telling' on her wasn't exactly helpful.
Perhaps you could give her a subscription to the Daily Mail?
Tis the season of goodwill and forgiveness - let it be and give yourself a break too!
And congrats on the pregnancy btw. Some of the best kids I know were brought up by one parent. It isn't relevant imho.

Original poster
tessofthedurbervilles · 23/12/2008 09:58

To be honest I put them on the spot by questioning them on why she was ignoring me and glaring at me. I asked them if she knew and they all looked a bit uncomfortable and it was kind of blurted out as they must have been on the spot a bit....

OP posts:
believer07 · 23/12/2008 11:12

wrong + wrong = wrong (not right)

YeahBut · 23/12/2008 11:15

Well, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't said something mean in the heat of the moment. If you're feeling sorry about it now, I think that's fine. She sounds like a deeply sad yet deeply unpleasant person.

Tortington · 23/12/2008 11:18

you know you were wrong, so i think you need to make amends, buy her something nice and say sorry

Zebraa · 23/12/2008 11:22

She was unfair and out of order to pass judgement in the first place. You were just angry, and HORMONAL. I'd just say no more on the matter and enjoy your pregnancy

Original poster
tessofthedurbervilles · 23/12/2008 12:52

OMG I just went and sat next to her in the canteen and she got up and moved away, saying something loudly about morals and not supporting people like me......she defo doesn't know about my rant (she would have complained to my boss if she had as she complains about everyone)

OP posts:
Alambil · 23/12/2008 12:54

Let her get on with it then...

You've tried to be nice and normal; she won't let you. Not much you can do about it now

Original poster
tessofthedurbervilles · 23/12/2008 12:54

The other lady at the table, a devout muslim, who may also have her opinions was so sweet to me and looked mortified.....

OP posts:
J2O · 23/12/2008 12:55

how mean! just ignore her from now on, she's not worth you wasting your time.

CatchaChristmasStar · 23/12/2008 13:07

Why is it any of her business? Feck her and her morals.

What you said was out of order, but so was she.

If she feels the need to say anything else approach her yourself and in you sweetest voice explain that you think she is being utterly rude and unkind to you and the situation you're in. Tell her politely that it is none of her business and that you'd appreciate it if she kept her opinions and 'morals' to herself in future. If it continues, complain about her.

I think she sounds vile tbh.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2008 13:13

you were out of order but "as I am symbolic of what is wrong with society today" she's doing herself no favours!

MrsSeanBean · 23/12/2008 13:22

OP, you say she was "ignoring me and glaring at me" so quite frankly she is being equally unreasonable. We all say and do things in the heat of the moment which we later regret. You have had the decency to think about it and reflect that it was not a good idea to make those remarks about her. If she has that attitide in the first place and is even 'not talking to you' then she clearly has a bit of a problem.

Yes she is probably lonely and bitter, but as long as you treat her normally (and it doesn;t seem like she is aware of your remarks - so no need to apologise to her??) then the onus is really on her to change that. Sadly with these people, attempts to be friendly can be rejected - it's difficult to know how to get through to them.

As long as your colleagues know you regret your remarks, I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it.

pamelat · 23/12/2008 20:07

how awful of her.

Sometimes you wonder if such extreme behaviour must stem from some personal experience, maybe she was once in your position???? Who knows but no excuse for her to treat you like that.

LiffeyanFiaRua · 23/12/2008 20:11

I'd give her the creeps by being so nice to her.

Tell her that you're SO happy that you don't 'do petty' anymore. You are so fulfilled, so content and so full of wondrous anticipation for the new life growing inside you that it's like you've had a bag lifted from your head and you now realise that 98% of what happens in an office is what is commonly known as "the small stuff".

arghghghghgh, she'll have her head down the loo wretching, not you!!!

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