I know I am really but I just feel bloody worthless!

[MadameCastafiore]

Today I heard that DH, DS and I will be spending Christmas Day, here at home on our own, DD is at her dad's but I have coped with that for the past few years as we have alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day arrangement.

Well we were supposed to be going to one of my family for Christmas - I was so looking forward to it - my mum died when I was really small and due to my father marrying an utter bitch and lots of complicated problems - which are far too long to go into - I don't really have any other family on my side.

Well a relative of my family member died the week before last and so I said that if my relative doesn't fancy doing Christmas Day I am quite happy to do it - that wasn't wanted but today I have been told that it will be too many people for me and my lot (the 2 of them) to go there for the day - another relative, not on my side of the family, doesn;t like lots of people and worries about my relative having lots to do so 'sorry to let you down but you are uninvited!'.

I know it is silly but it is just something else to make me feel alone and worthless when it comes to my family - I don't have any other family - it is just them and I thought I meant as much to them as they do to me - I always look on them as sort of quasiparents - they were there at my wedding - one acted as mum and the other gave me away. Now I am back to feeling like a heap if shit - and I know I shouldn't be mean - there has been a bereavement and Christmas is always a tense time with lots to do but I just feel bloody empty and alone - yet again I am just not important enough to be included - not one of the 'proper' family if you like.

It is rideculous - we will have a great day - albeit a quiet one, me DH, DS and the dog - we will have our own Christmas dinner and presents and be able to do what we want but this has brought back all my feelings of being not wanted by my family.

God someone tell me I am being a cow and to get myself together before DH comes home please - DS thinks I have the most awful headache because I have been bloody sobbing whilst scrubbing the house today - but I have such a heavy feeling in my heart which just won;t go away.

I'm really sorry to hear how you are feeling@MadamecastaFiore . It does sound like they are wanting to be quite private in their grief, which is understandable but even so, it is quite off for them to cancel Christmas with you at such short notice. YANBU to feel disappointed.

Still - you have your DH and DS (and your DD, even if she is at her dad's this Xmas). You have a lovely little family of your own. Try to enjoy your Christmas day (and it is only a day). xxx

Thanks guys - we do have plans for Boxing Day and New Year - that is why we are not going not just to be arsey - although I have a feeling I wouldn't go just to be arsey if we didn't have plans.

I think a lot of it is the embarrassment of not having anywhere to go on Christmas Day - not being special enough to be invited!

I will speak to them though at some point - although I WILL be the one who is unreasonable to them I am sure - they just don't see how not having a family hurts so much - feck have started blubbing again now!

YANBU I know a lot of people love to have Xmas without family but it does make me sad that we have no famiy around over the holidays. There is something about that that just makes me feel like I'm outside looking in at the window. It does hurt and I know it's pointless and we must both count our blessings (it will be the three of us hre too). The problem is the baggage of all the years of family stuff - it's just more of the same.

Try not to take it too personally - this is cearly rubbing an old wound.