am i being unreasonable for telling ds's best friend's mum that he's not allowed back in my home?

[secretgarden]

my ds is 7yo and has always taken care of his toys quite well. recently he became friends with a new boy at school and on each occasion the friend has been here, toys have gotten broken or gone missing. i have resorted to removing ds's favourite ones before he comes over, but yesterday when my back was turned, he went into my room (which they were told not to play in) and found ds's portable dvd player, which he proceeded to bang against my wall... hence it being broken now. ds is absolutely distraught and i am furious. i told his mum that i expect them to pay towards a new dvd player as we can't afford to replace it and that he is not back here until he learns to behave. i'm not so precious about our things to not expect the odd breakage here or there, but only when it's an accident. feel awful, but as far as i know he does not come from a bad home and behaves himself when he's at school, so apart from them living in a smashed up house, i can't see how he can get away with behaviour like this. am i expecting to much from a 7yo or is this typical behaviour?

Like, actually deliberately banged against a wall? Wouldn't tolerate that.
Not likely to get a new one bought by other parents, I wouldn't have thought, but perfectly reasonable not to invite him round again.

Disgraceful behaviour. YANBU.

very odd, YANBU, that is NOT normal behaviour

I'm not sure I would ask them to pay TBH. Because your ds may, just may be complicit here; Why did he not come down and tell you that this boy had gone into your room? Sounds at least a possibility that together they were over-excited and naughty. You say your back was turned; therefore you can't be exactly sure what happened.

However it's perfectly reasonable not to invite him anymore. I wouldn't!

What did she say ??

YANBU- I would have done exactly the same in your situation. It might be that his mother has no idea how badly he behaves and might be able to put a stop to it before it escalates.

And yes if it was broken deliberatly they should be made to pay towards a new one.

deliberately banged it against the wall several times. when i heard the noise i ran upstairs and there he was...

what did the boys mum say when you told her about it?

sparklesandwine - she was really embarrased and i must admit that i probably over reacted a it, but after i found him and told him off, he didn't seem overly sorry about the incident

I think you are ok not invite him round again, i know I wouldn't want all my possessions smashed to smithereens, but if it were me I wouldn't be making a big deal of it. Why do you need to mention it to the parents, just tell your DS he isn't allowed to invite him any more. Of course word will get back to the parents, but far better than being in a controntational situation with them.

I also don't think I could ask about the DVD directly. You could ask in a concerned fashion if he breaks stuff at home and then bring up the DVD player and lay it on thick about how upset DS is and how you can't afford a new one, if they have any decency then they will offer to pay for a new one ( provided that is that the Mum comes to pick him up, if its the Dad you are best just to be very factual about it all).

Leo9 - overexcited and naughty might explain going in the OP's room and taking the dvd player - it certainly does NOT explain deliberately banging it against a wall and breaking it.

If one of my ds's had done this, I would have bought a new portable dvd player, docked the pocketmoney of the ds responsible until it was paid for AND grounded him for a substantial length of time, during which he could have written a proper letter of apology to the OP.

And to answer your question, secretgarden - no, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Why would you want this disrespectful child in your home?

No, I meant that about the OP's own son, sunnygirl...I mean that the OP was downstairs, and the TWO boys were upstairs in his mum's room, which he'd been told not to go into. I just meant maybe the DS had got carried along with a bit of mischief (not suggesting he did the breaking!) and if this was me I would not feel on strong enough ground to make the other family pay for it unless I knew 100% certainly that my own son hadn't gone into my room as well and played along to any degree.....

Perfectly reasonable to say you expect them or him to pay towards a new one and not invite him aound again.

sunnygirl thats how i would handle it too if i were the parent of the boy

secretgarden - i was just wondering if her recation indicated that it was the 'norm' for him or not, it clearly isn't or she wouldn't have been embarassed at all. You were completely right to do as you did, i have had toys broken by the same child repeatedly in my own house before and now how annoying it is although i never said anything to the parent as it is just toys and not malicious just poor behaviour so now i watch the said child like a hawk!!

No you were right to do what you did.
The parent needs to know about this behaviour issue in the hope of putting a stop to it.

If it was my child I would do exactly the same as sunnygirl1412. I'm really shocked at this, I was always better behaved at someone elses home than in my own as a child.

Hopefully his mum will sort this out now.

ds was getting them some crisps at the time, so definitely wasn't in there and as i caught the friend in the action there is no mistake

Leo9 - even if the OP's son was complicit to some extent - getting carried away, going into the bedroom etc - I can't see that this excuses what the other boy did. If they'd gone in to get it and play with it, that would have been naughty and disrespectful - deliberately banging it against the wall is something totally different, and I doubt there's any way the OP's son would have been involved if he knew that was going to happen.