Is this a vaguely offensive question....or am I a sensitive flower...

[Bathsheba]

Now...I'll freely accept that I DON'T get on with my MIL - we are from COMPLETELY different worlds (she has barely left the hamlet she lives in in rural NE Scotland - she thinks I'm wildly exotic because I've been to University, and she keeps commenting about "things that city people do" and the like (meaning "completely un-understandable people like Bathsheba")

Anyway, I'm in the middle of a "completely alien to her" diet and weightloss programme - I put off going on it for years because I knew she wouldn;t understand it at all and our fortnightly visits to her would be fairly intolerable as she couldn't/wouldn't understand my complete food repalcement programme. Anyway, I have lost 5 stone and probably have 2 more to go.

My MIL can't make smalltalk and we were up yesterday when she suddenly asked me "What size are you now?"...

Now, to me, thats not a question that a person asks a person - esp a woman asks another woman who is clearly concious about her size...!!

I'm open with my size with my Mum, but then I have a very very different relationship with her (we go shopping for clothes together for xample so she KNOWS I'm now a 16 because I'm making her crawl around the supermarket floor to find the only pair of size 16 short jeans they have...:-)).

I kind of mumbled "I really would rather not answer that" and have felt a "bit seethe-y" ever since - I just honestly don't think its a question that someone asks someone else, espe when they don't have that type of relationship with them (my Mum has never asked me but just waits to be told)...

My MIL isn't really one for understanding Social conventions and niceties (hasn't seen enough of the world or met enough people from outside the village to really get social interaction with people different to her) so I'm sure it wasn't malicious, but can something be offensive even if not done with malice..?

you are being wildly oversensitive

not offensive at all

I don't know, Bathsheba, my MIL used to ask weird, personal things all the time. I just ignored her!

If she's a bit of a social numpty then you shouldn't really take offence - just grin and bear it.

Given you have dropped so many dress sizes, I don't think it's an odd question to ask, I really don't. I don't think it's offensive either. Congratulations on losing so much weight.

not offensive at all.

She knows you are dieting, she's seen you lose weight, she's noticed the difference... just a simple question IMO

I think you are being oversensitive
What she probably meant was wow you are doing brilliantly with your weightloss. or maybe she want to buy you something to wear fvr xmas
why do you take it as a criticism instead of a compliment?

I am wildly oversensitive and dont think she was being rude. Maybe it was an akward way of starting coversation.

it doesn't sound though as if she was trying to be offensive - instead it sounds just like idle conversation - unless she's the type to then immediately say "I used to be a size 6 in the 50's and the Dior look was so good on me"

I would be happy with anyone asking me that to be honest - as I'm a fatty who doesn't really mind. Shouldn't you be delighted she noticed - I mean it's a big change - maybe you need to get used to boasting "yeah I've gone from a 24 to a 16" with a big grin on yer face.

Big congratulations on the weight loss !!!!!

well probably oversensitive, after all, what size are you now is better than You've lost HOW much, or comments about how far you have to go

maybe she was going to buy you something nice as she is pleased with how you are doing?

Its a question my ,MIL would probably ask and not really think twice about it but empathising and considering the feelings of others is not one of her strong points!

I wouldn't but then i wouldnt want someone to ask it of me IFYSWIM

To answer your question, yes i think somethign can be offensive even if not maliciously intended.

Id be bloody seeting too!!

YAB a bit U I think. I would revel in announcing my dress size having lost that much weight MILs are known for their odd conversational skills however. Question about offence and maloice is an interesting one. I think no, if there's no mailce intended then it's hard to take offence, but then I am a magnaminous (sp?) soul

When I met my MIL one of her first statements was my son has always likes fat women {shock] not that was rude.

Sounds like she was trying to understand and take an interest in your weight loss.

If you're happy to say you've lost five stone (well done btw!), isn't it the same to say you've gone from a size Y to size X?

Excellent, twinset. MILs, what are they like?

I would say not offensive, how else is she to know what size you are should she be considering buying you some clothes for xmas to celebrate your new trim self. Better than getting clothes wildly too big and you being offended by that instead.

I would defo ask this of a friend who was dieting and had clearly lost a lot of weight. I would also ask MIL this if she appeared to be slimming.

Oh, time for a throw-away comment such as "well still bigger than I'd like to be !"

If she persisted after that then your dh needs to tell her "that it just isn't done to ask a lady her age or her dress size."

When faced with such a situation, I wonder to myself : did s/he mean to be offensive? If yes, then I can safely ignore him/her, because it's not worth getting wound up and satisyfing the other person. If no, then why get upset?

Mind you, I've come over all philosophical since I got Old.

Oh dear, I ask that sort of question to people all the time, and that's to people I don't really know. (Maybe it's a Scottish thing?). I usually mean it in the 'wow, you've lost so much weight way'.

Thank you everyone...you are doubtlessly all right, I am being a sensitive flower...for some reason if she had asked me how much I'd lost I'd not have found that nearly so upsetting (I'm really open about having lost 5 stone, I have a running commentary on my facebook status and things about how much I've lost...), but I never really mention my size...I guess I'm worried about it seeming like starting "Oh my, she's still a 16, and she has lost 5 stone...what on EARTH was she when she started..." (and Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake you are perfectly right, I've gone from a 24 to a 16...!!)

Its so much easier to say how much I've lost, rather than what size I am now or what I weigh now...I guess because then people can work out what I was before...

I wouldn't ever ask someone that, though, unless I was in the middle of a discussion with someone about clothing sizes generally (eg why am I a size 12 in Next and a 10 in M and S?).

My MIL has asked me how much I weigh before (which I don't understand at all - why would the actual number mean anything to her?) - but then in fairness, she does describe me as "grossly obese" (size 12 btw!!!!)

Oh, and it was definately not because she wanted to buy me anytying - she'd never buy me clothes (as I'm such an un-understandable city type) and also we were up yesterday to get our Christmas Presents so all presents had been bought without this info...(and my birthday was at the beginning of december so thats not coming up)...

Ah well, I'm not often so "flower-like" so I'm sure I can let it go..

, am obviously also a sensitive flower.

My only defense.... after reading your post my immediate thoughts were my own MIL whoc makes me prickly and at the best of times.....

also bloody well done on the weight loss........

Not offensive at all. Most people who have lost 5 stones would be shouting their current size from the rooftops.

My mil once asked me the same question when I thought I'd put on a concealing outfit when I'd been overindulging for a while once.

I think your being a bit sensitive. My MIL has asked me this in the past too.