to be upset with Dh, even tho it's not really his fault? Long one sorry.

[pinkdolly]

Dh is in the forces and went away on 3rd November. He was due to fly back on the 9th January but had his trip extended until the 25th.

I was/am gutted as the longest we have been apart before is 8 weeks, this will be 12. This is the first christmas he has not been home, so we've taken it hard (we have 3 girls aged 6, 5 and 2). And I am 25 weeks pg with ds1.

Ever since he has been gone we have had nothing but one bug after the other. With coughing and puking children keeping me up almost every night.

DD2 has wet the bed frequently (she has taken it the hardest him not being here).

I have coped ok for the most part but when he told me his trip was extended I was gutted. I asked him to try and come home early based on the following;

1. He went out there 3 weeks earlier then everyone else, someone else is being flewn home on the 9th and the other watch are coming home on the 16th (he just got pinged for the last flight), not fair considering he's been there longer.

2. He has his notice in, his officially leave date is 31st May, but with all the leave he has accrued he should be out end of Jan. So ought to be home to finalise this.

3. He should never have been sent out there in the first place. The navy do not normally send you away if you have less then 6 months to serve but they messed up (not him), the paperwork saying he was leaving didn't get sent to the right people and the sqaudron leader said it was too short notice to find a replacement, so he would have to go.

We found out two weeks ago (ish) that his trip was extended and he says he tried to sort it out. But I know him, and I know he is not the type to fight for what he wants, he will ask and if tey say no he will just accept it. Whereas, I on the other hand, would quote all the above things and would fight my corner to be back with my family.

I know this might not seem like a big deal. But I am hormonal, and very tired. We have been counting down every single day, I have 3 girls who miss their daddy very much. To have been waiting to hear a positive and then be told this is awful for us.

But dh, is very blase about it all. He says, it's only another 15 days, yep that might be ok for him. He is getting a nice tan, spending time at the gym, reading. I have had 3 sick children to look after and a whole christmas to prepare without him.

I just feel he could have done more, I cried myself to sleep last night and for a big part this morning. Now I have a wacking headache.

AIBU to be this upset? Should I blame it on hormones and a Christmas without him. Or would you want your dh to try and do all he could in these circumstances.

Sorry its so long.

I think it's understandable you are upset. But it's also not worth getting so upset that it spoils Christmas for you and the children - he will be home pretty soon and you can have a massive celebration when he is, especially since he'll be around much more. Don't taint that and have him arrive home to bad feeling.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be horribly upset! What an incredible disappointment. But you know it's not really his fault. Is there any way you can save some presents and lovely food and have a mini christmas when he gets back?

I'm really sorry for you and your girls though. Time to plan a special treat for the 3 of you to enjoy now, maybe?

Could you have a second mini-Christmas with him when he comes back? Maybe keep back one or two presents until then and pull a few Christmas crackers together or something?

I hope things get better for you all. It sounds very difficult for you all.

x-posted with plantsitter.

Thanx, we had planned to have a 2nd christmas when he came back anyway. And I know probably by tomorrow I will be ok again. I just have had it with the forces. They have messed up from beginning to end with dh. They didn't even pay him what they should have last month coz they forgot they sent him out early, grr.

And it will have to be a later family christmas now. I will be the mad woman who still ahs her decorations up at the end of January.

I know it's not really his fault but I feel so powerless to do anything from here. And I hate the way the forces can change return dates just like that.

Just trying to get all this out of my system really, has been eating me up since he told me last night.

yanbu

sorry that went a bit early

but he was always going to be away for Christmas so try very hard to have a nice time for you and your girls

very soon there will be two boys in the house....uggghhh!!!!

YANBU. 9th or 25th is clearly not much either way to your DH but obviously things are really hard at home on your own with sick kids. I do think though that the only thing you'll do if you don't let go of this, is upset yourself further. TBH I don't think your DH will pursue this as assertively as he should because there is no real impetus for him; it's not as if it's a case of home for christmas or not.

I'm not saying he's right, BTW. He should be rattling their cages and making them give him his due! I just don't think he will.

What I would do is trundle on as best you can (any family to help??) have a lovely girly christmas, and book yourself a spa weekend for when DH returns!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I am in the very fortunate position of having my mum and dad live in the same town as me and my sisters close by too.

I am also a member of the local baptist church and have had loads of really kind offers. I have been overwhelmed with offers of help. For the most part I haven't taken people up on it coz I dont like putting people out and maybe i'm a bit stubborn .

It's just my coping mechanism with dh being away is that I knew the date he would be home and was working towards that. Now it's like he has just left all over again.

He wasn't due to leave until the 28th Novemeber so was a bit of a shock when they turned around and said oh btw you have tio go 3rd november, but to extend it on the end aswell is rubbish.

And we will have a good christmas, my parents are coming over christmas day as is my older sister and her 3 children. So would like to think i will be too busy to think about dh not being there (in reality I dont know if that will be the case).

And he will have plenty of leave before and after our baby is due in April, so I intend to do some serious resting then.

I just got my hopes up for him being allowed to come home earlier have come back to earth with a bit of a bump.

yanbu i feel for you. Sounds like you have had a rough time.
Take up some of the offers of help, and get a break.

agree - take up the offers of help! It IS unfair to be so mad at your DH when you could alleviate some of your stress etc by accepting overwhelming amounts of offers of help!!!

Goodness, if you've had so many offers of help, why are you struggling along on your own? Making a martyr of yourself isn't going to help you at all. One volunteer is better than ten pressed men, they say - and they wouldn't have offered if they couldn't see that you needed help and wanted to do something to help you!

Take all the help you need - that's what friends are for - and thank your lucky stars that so many people care enough about you to want to help you.

oh I know that, and I know I should be more willing to accept help. I am used to helping others out and not quite so used to recieving it. It's harder to do then I thought. I really am not trying to matyr myself, just hate the thought of people running around after me.

And i'm not upset because I want him home to help me out. We miss him, especially the girls. Dd2 said to his grandma the other day, I want daddy to be home so that we can be a proper family again.

Family is big to us, especially at this time of year (as is to everyone I suppose). We were all looking forward to being a family again soon after christmas and are all dissapointed that it is going to be longer thats all.

It is grim and I feel for you. I hope the time goes quickly. When my DH is away, I don't always feel that he does enough to argue his case...it is me at home being the Barrack Room Wife/ Lawyer...but it is only (sorry I know that would annoy me) 2 weeks and it will go pretty quickly. Get as much help as you can...and when he gets back enjoy your time together...and make sure he pays back all those brownie points that he owes you.