AIBU to expect my sister to have some sympathy for me after my 2 m/cs?

[sleepysox]

I don't usually post on MN, but I am in need of some support/ advice. Sorry for the long message.

DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 2 years. In that time my sister has had a baby now almost 2 and has conceived another. In August I managed to get pg and told my family. 3 weeks later my sister announces she's pg. I worked out the dates and she started trying as soon as I announced my pregnancy and she told everyone the day she had got positive test. When she rang me, she said that she wasn't trying to steal my thunder by telling everyone so early and that she hadn't been competing, she also said that she didn't want me as godmother for the baby and that our parents were more pleased with her that she was pg as they lived closer and would see her baby more.

The following day I lost my baby. I didn't speak to her for a month and then when i phoned, she said words to the effect of 'oh good, I'm glad you've phoned, because now you can lend me the next sized up washable nappies, as you won't be needing them!'

I have since had another m/c and so things have been very strained with my sister. I tried to clear the air yesterday, but ended up having a rant and being awful as all this emotional stuff came blurting out. In response my sister said that she can't believe how something like this could affect my feelings towards her and asked why can't I put it behind me. She also said that she wasn't going to apologise for being pg- not that i would ever want her to. I don't want her not to be pg. I just want a baby myself too.

I know I should try and rebuild some bridges, but her baby is due 3-4 weeks after mine would have been and I can't face her, especially as she thinks I should be over the m/cs.

My family think I'm being unreasonable, and should make it up with her. But I just can't face it right now. Things come so easily for her and I can't bare her rubbing my nose in it.

Should i try and make it up with her? What should i do?

Has anyone else been in a similar situtation?

Hope someone can help,

Sleepy

Am terribly sorry that you are having such a bad time

my only advice is to talk to her again, face to face and try to clear things up

I have never had a MX but lots of my friends have and am always wary of saying/doing the wrong thing - sometimes if you haven't been through an MX it may be easier to dismiss it IYSWIM?

also, > and that she hadn't been competing, she also said that she didn't want me as godmother for the baby and that our parents were more pleased with her that she was pg as they lived closer and would see her baby more.

does this sound like something your parents woudl really say????

IME lots of women don't realise how very distressing it is to have a mc. They don't mean to be unsympathetic but they don't have a clue and don't even think about it. Hpe things work out for you vv soon.

My sister was pregnant, and then miscarriaged in dec 2006. I then fell pregnant dec 2006, felt terrible for my sister but then I miscarriaged in Jan 2007, then my sister found out she was pregnant again, and she felt bad for me, I fell pregnant in feb 2007. We both managed to hold onto our babies who were both born in sept 2007 (Ds1 was premature)

Its hard for the person who is pregnant as well as the one being the one whose miscarriaged. I cried when I found out I was pregnant so soon after my sister had miscarriaged.

I am so, so sorry to hear what you have been through. I've never had a miscarriage myself so can't imagine the pain and hurt, but I see how your sister's pregnancy and her attitude towards you is so hurtful. Her comment about the nappies just displays how little she understands about your feelings.

I don't see why you should be 'over' your miscarriages. My mother miscarried a baby before she had me, and 35 years later she still gets sad if she talks about it.

Would it be possible to write your sister a letter (put it in a 'sister' Christmas card if you want) and say that you're really happy for her, but it brings it home to you just how much you have lost, and that you find it hard to cope with.

And I think she needs to meet you half way - could you appeal to her 'mother to mother' and ask her to think about how she would feel if all her happiness and excitement was turned on its head?

I'm sorry not to have better advice, but I do hope you can find some peace with her, and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I haven't been in a similar position, but your pain comes through clearly in every word, and my heart goes out to you.

I have had friends who have suffered miscarriages, and I would not dream of saying anything as crass as your sister's statement about the washable nappies.

You are in the middle of a very intense grieving process at the moment, and you have every right to everything you are feeling at the moment. Yes, your sister has feelings and needs too, and you don't want to start some huge family feud, but the most important thing at the moment, imo, is your recovery and working through the feelings you are having at the moment.

If I were going to offer some advice, it would be to write to your sister. A letter would enable you to tell your sister how you are feeling - and your first post here shows how good you are at conveying how you are feeling in words - whilst giving you the opportunity to state calmly what you want to say without getting drawn into a situation where you might find yourself getting upset and ranting again.

I wish there was more I could say or do to help - but I'm willing to listen more, if you need to talk.

Sorry you're feeling so low. I've had 3 mc's so know how terrible this is. IME, people who haven't been through it have a completely different view of it. They don't tend to understand the loss we feel and that we need time to grieve just like over any other loss. Every woman who has become pregnant (regardless of outcome) KNOWS THAT YOU LIVE OUT THAT BABY'S WHOLE LIFE IN THOSE FIRST WEEKS OF PREGNANCY, you think of names, you picture yourself with your buggy, you imagine coming home with baby, first days at school and everything else. I for one still take a moment on the due date for each of my mc's. NY eve my first would be turning 5. I don't think it's anything you ever get over, you just learn to accept it.
If I were you, I wouldn't be in any great hurry to patch it up with sister. Take as much time as you need to be able to cope with what has happened and make up wen you're ready.
Maybe send her a letter explaining exactly how you feel but stress that you are very pleased about her children and you would not wish what you're going through onto anyone but you just want a bit of time before you are ready to face anthing head on.

So sorry for you, and your sis is the unreasonable one, not you. "as you won't be needing them" is nothing but tactless and SO painful to someone in yr shoes. As for the business of your parents being more pleased about her pg than yours, whats all that about? is there some deeper rivalry/history with you 2?

Sadly many many people are insensitive to the whole pg/infant loss thing if they have never suffered it themselves. I have had a stillbirth at 5 months. Do not be hard on yourself for not being "over this", others just do not understand.(The sister of a friend of mine who had a very late termination, had to have it explained in words of one syllable why she should NOT call her DD the name of her sisters deceased DD ) sometimes people are so wraPPED UP IN THEMSELVES THEY CAN'T EVEN EMPATHISE WITH THOSE CLOSEST TO THEM.

there are lots of poems and stories of hope on the net, you are NOt alone and it can help to know that, perhaps you could write to your sis, emphasising that you are pleased for her but still so very sad about your own loss, asking her to be aware that it will be hard for you when her baby comes, that you will ALWAYs have that reminder as your DC will not be growing up together.

GOOD LUCK ttc

The fact that she said she wasn't competing and wasn't trying to steal your thunder, shows that she was, IME. Otherwise why would those things cross her mind?

It's like when people say "I'm not being horrible, but" or "I'm not being funny, but"......those things are always followed by remarks that ARE horrible, or 'funny', aren't they.

Asking for your nappies the next size up is insensitivity of the highest order, and so is her telling you that her parents are more pleased about her PG.

I personally would not build bridges; that's for her to do. She has been staggeringly awful to you. Be open to it but don't feel you're the one who needs to do the work!

Personally I think I would face her with what she's said; write to her and tell her how those remarks made you feel. She's getting away with it otherwise and will clearly make you out to be the one it's all come from.

Good luck for the future - so sorry about your difficulties.

Sounds like there are bigger issues between you and this has brought things to a head.

Sorry for your losses. One of my little boys was stillborn at 36 weeks and it ruined some of my closest frienships - I was just so staggered by how many people expected me to "get over it" within days or weeks and then complained that I wasn't back to my old self. And yet other people I barely knew were amazing. It was a real lesson in human nature, and nowadays there are very very few people in RL who know the full extent of what happened to me.

I guess I'm trying to say that sometimes the people closest to us are the hardest to forgive when they don't seem to get it. Have you considered having some counselling? I found it so so helpful.

(((big hugs))) I had 6 m/cs, the last at 17wks was due when 4 close friends and family members were all also due (they were all born within 4 weeks of each other) I still weep for my lost little ones especially the last one, both on the anniversary of losing her and on her due date....but it eventually did happen for us we got our darling boy last year, but it is amazing how little comprehension those who have not suffered the devastation of m/c have of how deeply you are affected. I had many insensitive comments and attitudes but those from family cut deepest...we expect more from them.
I dont think you need to worry about building bridges with your insensitive and self centred sister...you have nothing to appologise for... if anyone says anything I would just say I hope she doesnt have to experience what you have suffered in order to learn some empathy. Concentrate on yourself and regaining your own equillibrium...you dont need insensitive people around you just now.
And I hope the miracle happens for you soon...

I'm very sorry for your loss

But I think though that you might be being unreasonable

Sometimes when you are upset and hurt it is easier to see things in purely black or white than they really are.

I know that might not be what you want to hear but please consider it as it is very often true.

Your sister's first child was conceived before you started trying and to be honest not many people hear that their sister is pregnant get home and get on a bed to start trying iyswim?
If it was three weeks after you announced your pregnancy that literally would have had to be the case so therefore not very likely.

Could it be that she was already trying for another and the timing coincided with yours?
If you know otherwise as gospel I'd be really surprised.

I'm sorry that she dealt with things badly but again when we are upset very often we think things have been baldly put or blackly painted when they have been said in all innocence.

If you sister had just come up with all of this in a conversation it would make her almost a pantomime baddy.
Could you also examine yourself and the part that you paid in these conversations?

Often a mc can really cloud how we view the conception and birth of anyone else's child.

Finally I'd advise to truly examine your feelings and the part you played in some of the conversations you had with your sister.
If once you have done that you cannot see anything wrong with your behaviour speak to her about it just as you have done here.
She I'm sure will throw another light on the matter.
Listen to her pov with an open mind.
Then decide if you want to be part of her and her dc's lives moving forward

YABU. I am sorry for your losses (I have had 4 myself) and people can be so insensitive. I don't think you should do anything to try and make things better with your sister, jsut work on healing yourself. I really hope that you get your own bundle of joy soon.

I am so sorry for your losses, I had two M/C's in 2005 and still think about my lost babies even though I have gone on to have twins! I agree with am earlier poster that it really tests your relatinship with others and you fnd out who is a good friend/suporter. I have a complex relationship with my sister which can get competitive. She already had 2 children when I went through my miscarraiges and she came out with some terrible remarks then and when we thought our twins were not going to make it either. I agree with the idea of writing to her to explain your pain and that you would like her to be more suportive and sensitive. I wish you the best of luck and send you lots of babydust for 2009.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is hard (understatement) under any circumstances, but when you haven't found it easy to get pregnant as well, then you must feel doubly cheated by fate. I've had 3 m/cs and though people do react in different ways, you'd have to be a complete idiot if you genuinely didn't appreciate the tactlessness of comments such as your sister has made. She obviously had a big problem with you in the 1st place to suggest that your parents were "more pleased" with her pregnancy than yours ..... what utter bloody nonsense.

Your sister has been completely out of order ..... being pregnant is no excuse for the nasty things she's said to you and I feel that "making up" as your family would like you to would be futile because you would end up feeling even more resentful having been forced to apologise when you have nothing to apologise for. She, on the other hand, certainly has lots to apologise for .....not for being pregnant (I think she is hiding behind this TBH) but for being a prize winning bitch.

BTW - I don't think that anybody should be expected to get over it. I don't think I will ever get over my losses. I lost a baby this time last year and am now expecting but I still feel sad and shed a tear for my lost little one.

I meant NOT BU.

Thanks for all your supportive replies. I feel much clearer about what I'm going to do now. I've decided i will write to her, but not yet as my emotions are too raw and I don't want to make matters worse.

I am so sorry for all of you who have also gone through m/cs. It's such an awful thing to happen, and i appreciate you telling me your experiences. I feel less isolated knowing that others have been in the same situation.

dreamingofagreenlawnchristmas- you're so perceptive. This conflict is the latest in a long line of conflicts, which are too numerous to mention here. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am considering counselling but don't really know where to go. I would ideally like to talk to someone who deals with women who've lost babies.

Those of you that said that the lack of understanding by family members cuts the deepest- you're so right. That's what has hurt the most.

Ronaldhinio (hope I've spelt that correctly), you're right in that my sister does come across as the pantomime baddy in my post. I mentioned in my orginal post that I ranted and all this emotional stuff came out, but I didn't list everything in the post for speed, plus everything came out in a big blurt and I can't remember everything I actually said. I did say many awful things to her though, mainly about how complacent she is with her pregnancy. So I definitely am at fault. I should also have said, that when my sister announced her pg to me, she was crowing saying how it was their first time trying and how her nickname for her DH is 'super sperm'!!!

I do want to be a part of my sister's life, but can't imagine having to see her face to face, as it would be way too painful to see that baby bump. In a few months I'll write a letter and then take it from there.

My baby would have been due in March, so I've planted some bulbs which should flower then to remind me of my little one.

I'm going to stop now as I'm blubbing again.

Thanks for all your support.

Sleepy

GP should def be able to put you onto a counsellor who specialise in pg loss and similar. Or you could try the local hopistal chaplains, who were also excellent for us, you can shout scream and swear and they won't mind, whether you have any religion or none. Some trusts have "memorial services" for people who have lost babies over the yr, you might find that gives you some peace

Sleepy I was referred for counselling (on the NHS) by a midwife. The counsellor I saw specialises in pregnancy and neonatal loss/infertility issues. She was fantastic btw - I'm not actually sure I'd even be functioning at all if I hadn't seen her. Good luck.

I had two mcs before ds1. I so agree with others who say that until you have suffered miscarriage(s) you just have no idea.
If I am really honest, looking back to the days before I thought of having my own children, I never understood why a colleague was off work for 3 weeks after a miscarriage.
Then a few years later it was me, and after 3 weeks I went back to work and was found crying in my car on the carpark at 9.05am unable to face everyone.
I'm not saying everyone has to have a miscarriage to understand - some men were more understanding than a lot of women - but some people do seem to have a complete lack of empathy for this situation.
I think your sister is rude and crass and inconsiderate. Unfortunately, it would probably take a miscarriage of her own (and no one would wish that on her) before she will have any idea.