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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to buy this gift? (and then RAM it up MIL's....)

55 replies

purplemonkeydishwasher · 22/12/2008 09:14

argggggggggggg!!!

things to keep in mind as you read this:
MIL has money. lots of money. we don't. My parent's don't.
This is the 9th christmas i've spent away from my family (who are in canada) and with DH's family.
she already bought DS a BIKE (among other things) I'm trying to be a bigger person here and let her have that even though I've ALWAYS ALWAYS said that I wanted to buy him his first bike.
I'm pregnant and hormonal.

so i'm out christmas shopping with MIL. all was going well. then she sees a light saber flashlight. DS LOVES star wars. i didn't want anyone to buy him a sword type light saber because, well, he's 3 and he'll hit me/DH/thedog etc. but i had out this flashlight on his 'wishlist' on amazon. My brother had told me that he was buying it for DS.
so MIL is looking at it saying DS would love this. I said yes he would but I'm pretty sure he's already getting it.
she said but he might not.
i say: but i'm almost certain he is. my brother said he was going to buy it.
so she's still looking at it.
I say, don't buy it. he's already getting it. you already bought him lots.
so she goes and BUYS IT ANYWAY. and says well IF he gets it I can give it to his friend for his birthday.
I say, WHEN he gets it.
she laughs me off.
I'm seething. because not only is it disrespectful to me to ignore what i say it's also disrespectful to my family to buy the same thing as them.

anyway, we get home. I check amazon to see if anyone has bought the flashlight. it does;t look like it.
so waht do I do?
I BUY THE FUCKER.

i can;t tell DH what i've done because he'll be all 'oh she just wants to treat her grandson' and not GET why i'm pissed off.

so, dear MNers, what do i do with it?
so i give it to him and pretend that my brother send it. or do i be the bigger person AGAIN and let MIL give him hers.

what would you do?

OP posts:
Simplysally · 22/12/2008 12:05

I think your MIL was unreasonable to go against your wishes but don't get into lying to your husband over it. Nothing is worth that.

Perhaps he could have a light sabre at MILs house and one at your house?

I managed to get a jumping Tigger kept at my exes house - he took it back to change the batteries and then it stayed there "for dd to use there when she visits".

Success!

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 12:21

I would bet her reasoning went more like this:

"Oh, he would LOVE that! It would be fantastic to make him happy. Sally's brother might not buy it at all, and he does live in Canada so it might not arrive on time, and then poor grandson wouldn't have one. That would be awful! I know, I'll buy it anyway. It's only £10. And I don't really mind if his uncle's arrives as I can think of someone else to give it to. It will just be insurance in case. I'm sure Sally can't really get upset by that maybe she's just making a bit of a fuss to save me money but I don't mind if its wasted, after all it's for my precious grandson."
And even if she wasn't thinking that, surely it makes you feel better that this is at least a possibility, and has nothing to do with 'disrespect' etc. To be honest, I think if you get hung up on being 'respected' (as opposed to just getting on OK with people), then you are bound for disappointment in this life!!
And it's really not your MIL's fault taht your family live in Canada so can't spend Christmas with you, though I'm sure you miss them at this time of year, which is making you feel even more pregnant and hormonal!

cornsilk · 22/12/2008 12:31

I'd have done the same thing as you. Make sure he takes the lightsabre round to her house. My ds's have them - they are nightmare. Karma.

seanbonfire · 22/12/2008 12:37

hmmm didnt consider the lying to husband thing.Bit of a problem there..........
But I do not believe that she did this out of love for your son.Come on there are LOTS of things to get for kids these days.
And if she loves your son so much she would just have been happy that someone was getting it for him.

Instead she had to steal your brothers thunder, who by the sound of it wont even see his nephew for christmas.Nice of her

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 13:51

I don't think it makes people happier to assume the worst possible motives to people. My mum would have done this sort of thing, and it would never be out of the desire to hurt anyone at all but simply because she has tunnel vision with the kids and can't bear not to buy them something if she thinks they would love it. By constantly going on at her, she now spends less, but that's it. I have talked to quite a few grandparents about this and they all say that they arehelpless about the way they feel about their grandchildren. The MIL was quite clear as far as I can see that she didn't intend to replace the brother's light sabre. She only wanted to get it in CASE the brother didn't buy it. If he had bought one she was happy to give the light sabre to another child. So how does that hurt anyone, really?

Bink · 22/12/2008 14:01

Don't think this necessarily involves lying to dh, though, does it?

All you have to do is frankly square it with your brother that you have bought the thing off Amazon on behalf of your brother - if you've got a nice bro he won't mind letting you do that, even if he's already bought ds it (or something else).

Incidentally - this would probably have been the ideal AIBU situation if you'd posted before you went and bought it - I bet you'd have had lots of clever lateral alternative strategies suggested. Next time MIL wrong-foots you, get here quick!!!!

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 14:04

Seems quite odd to me to say you don't have much money, then spend money just to spite someone though. And I do think asking your brother to agree to your lie, does involve lying to your husband (albeit not the biggest lie in the world) to spite his mum. I don't suppose it would ever come out, but it wouldn't look nice if it did.
I would be pretty upset/angry if my dh got together with his brother to try and foil my mum over something, and then lied to me about it.

seanbonfire · 22/12/2008 14:34

But the OP says she told her mil he was getting it for certain! She asked her not to get it! And she ignored her.
I think we all have dealt with grandparents who wish to spoil their grandchildren, that is their right. But she should respect her daughter-in-laws authority.

However you make a good point wrapstar, this could become very messy. Sometimes taking the higher moral ground is more important.

Just cross you fingers and hope that your brother has already got it.

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 14:39

Yes, she ignored her. But I don't think we are the boss of other people - really I don't. You just can't expect your husband's mother to do what they she is told as if she is your child, no matter how annoying she is! I bet when the MIL was a young mum, she didn't expect her MIL to obey her! And purplemonkey admits she didn't know for sure her bro had bought the blooming light sabre and told her MIL so, and the MIL said she was buying it as insurance in case the bro hadn't bought it, and was perfectly prepared to give it to someone else if the brother had already bought one. She never expected hers to be given INSTEAD of the gift from the brother, only IF the brother hadn't got one. (which, erm, it looks as if he hadn't anyway so MIL was right!)
It is all a huge storm in a teacup (it's only a £10 toy for a three year old after all), and I just feel getting involved with lying to your husband about it and getting your brother involved in the lie, makes it a bigger and more complicated issue than it needs to be.

mrsgboring · 22/12/2008 14:44

Okay, let your DS have both light sabres (but ensure your/DB's one is opened first). Then suggest innocently that since there are two, MIL could go in the garden with him and play lightsabres.

Then be very absorbed in some essential kitchen task, or better yet, claim the dog is traumatised by lightsabre action and sit inside cuddling dog during all the fun.

plantsitter · 22/12/2008 14:45

I think I would have done the same, but you realise that if your bro has bought it somewhere else and posted it, you will have THREE light sabre thingies in your house?

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 14:46

why on earth would there be two? THe MIL has siad that if the bro has bought one, she'll give hers to another child. A totally reasonable thing to say really.

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 14:47

I feel sorry for MILs sometimes. She didn't do anything mean or nasty or bad. She just didn't obey her daughter in law. It's not a crime.

beanieb · 22/12/2008 14:48

erm - why don't you want her to get it for him. COuldn't you have called her and sais 'oh, I just checked with my brother and he's not bought it so if you want to give it to him I can pick one up for you' or would that have been too nice?

seanbonfire · 22/12/2008 14:57

i never said she should obey her just that she should have respected her wishes.

mumof2andabit · 22/12/2008 14:57

Tell dh the truth. My dh would find it ridiculously funny and probably go along with it to humour me! I would also have done the same thing btw.....am pregnant and hormonal too.

wrapstar · 22/12/2008 15:02

ah, but respected her wishes by obeying her, eh?

hollytree · 22/12/2008 15:15

wrapster - i suspect you may have a very nice mil do you? as someone who has a similar sounding mil to purplemonkey - i think you give them the benefit of the doubt time after time, and then start realising that actually sometimes these things are not done out of nice motives, or at least if they are not entirely bad motives, they are at least not paying attention to other people's feelings.

Purplemonkey asked her not to get it - afte already getting he ds something that purplemonkey clearly wanted to get her ds herself - that in itself is unreasonable imo - and then carried on in her own little world getting ds another thing. imo its to make ds think she is the best member of the family cause she gives him the best presents, instead of letting other people share in that.

purple - hope your brother helps you out - but agree that if you can avoid lying to dh - eg by buying it on behalf of your brother, it would make things easier.

MadameCastafiore · 22/12/2008 15:23

The mood I am in I would come over and help you ram it up her arse - can't believe she stood infront of you and ignored what you had to say - how rude and disrespectful!

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/12/2008 15:28

Oh yes, you are being JUST as unreasonable as I would be in the circumstances.
Ring your brother to check. If he hasn't bought it tell him its ok you saw one and got it for him to give ds, if he has bought it, say 'oh thanks I was just checking as mil wondered whether to get it'. Then put take yours back for a refund.

I have bought my two a sort of light sabre thingy and as they are just 4 and 2.7 am absolutely expecting the house and tree to be demolished.

Oh, just thought, you will need two maybe to give one to your dp otherwise your ds will have no one to have star wars battles with

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/12/2008 15:29

Do they still light up if they are stuffed up someone's arse?
You could put her on top of the tree, all lit up

Pheebe · 22/12/2008 15:48

Give your one to DH so they can have fabulous battles...outside of course If DS gets one from your brother too you can join in as well

Original poster
purplemonkeydishwasher · 22/12/2008 17:46

UPDATE:

DB has bought one and it should be arriving tomorrow. oh wait, i think the one I bought will be arriving then too....

OOOOPS!

I think i will give it to charity. or something.

thanks for all your replies.

and for the record...I didn't expect her to 'OBEY' me. it's just common courtesy really when someone is standing beside you saying THERE'S NO POINT IN BUYING THAT MY BROTHER BOUGHT THAT ALREADY that you don't go and buy it anyway. or maybe that's just me.

OP posts:
wrapstar · 22/12/2008 18:15

Well, glad your brother has bought it. Send a very nice email to your MIL saying thanks but as I thought brother has already bought one and you hope that she can take it back or knows another little boy who would love one.
I do think you maybe could do with a a bit of perspective, all she did was buy your ds a present. I know you said don't, but she doesn't have to do as she is told, and she did say that if your brother had got one, she wouldn't be upset but just give it to another child. so not really treading on anyone's toes. She just wanted to be sure that your ds had a present she knew he'd really love, and she didn't mind who it was from (because if your brother had got one, she was going to give hers to someone else).
Life is better IMO if you assume other people have good (if sometimes misguided motives). As I said, my mum CANNOT be dissuaded from buying toys and books for my children and it is just because she loves them so madly. Sadly I don't have a MIL any more as she died last Christmas (asking to see her grandchildren on her deathbed ) so my children only have one grandma, and I don't think it is enough frankly. The more people who love them the better, I think. Let them spoil them a bit. I'm honestly not trying to guilt-trip anyone, and yes, I know they can be annoying, but believe me, grandparents are normally VERY aware of their own mortality. They know they probably aren't going to see our children grow up and that sense that time is short makes them extra keen to spoil the children, it really does.

Original poster
purplemonkeydishwasher · 24/12/2008 09:19

wrapstar, thank you. i do understand. my FIl passed away 8 years ago and never even got to meet his grandchild.
but i do think that what MIL did was disrespectful. and nothing you say will change my mind about that.
it wasn't that I told her not to buy it. it was that I explained that someone else was buying it for him. if it had been late she would have gievn it to him. which is rude IMO. because my DB's gift is coming from canada and can't be taken back.
regardless. it was rude. it just was.

OP posts:
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