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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL should shift Christmas to her house

9 replies

twentypence · 20/12/2008 21:49

MIL decided we would have Christmas at my house this year as there will be 8 of us and I have a bigger oven, bigger dining table and ds would have all his presents to play with (he will be the only child). I agreed.

However yesterday was my SIL's wedding reception and my BIL who has mental health problems was brought by PIL to reception. Nobody saw him, though as he smokes it was presumed that he was on the veranda having a fag. It was pouring down with rain, so I am not surprised nobody checked.

Anyhow he disappeared, presumably walked home in the rain and cold wind (do not be fooled by the fact that it is summer here) which would have taken him at least 2 hours.

PIL didn't mention it - his cutlery was just removed and everyone spread out a bit. My view on Christmas now is that if we want him to attend we should make it near to him (PIL live around the corner) then if he can't cope he can just walk home. It would take around 3 hours to walk home from my house.

Does this seem fair? I would still buy and cook everything I was going to cook and simply transport it to her house. Should I mention it?

OP posts:

countingto10 · 20/12/2008 22:14

Can you have an open discussion with MIL about BIL and how he is likely to behave at your home ? My nephew has severe mental health issues and came to our house last Christmas. He has severe bi-polar and was in a depressive stage - it did put a dampener on things and he went out for a walk. None of us were sure where he was going (had tried to commit suicide before) and were obviously worried. He came back and my sister took him home again as he so obviously wasn't coping with the social situation.

Your DS would probably prefer to be in his own home playing with his toys.

Original poster

twentypence · 20/12/2008 23:04

He usually goes out for endless cigarettes and then asks someone to take him home. He usually manages to sit down for the meal, but given that he didn't yesterday I think he will wander off, PIL will think he has gone out for a smoke, and then an hour later we will realise he has started to walk home.

I think it boils down to whether MIL wants to respect his wishes (which would be to stay in his own unit) or thinks that driving him across town only for him to wander off constitutes him spending time with the family.

OP posts:

sb6699 · 20/12/2008 23:10

Could you discuss it with your BIL - ask him how long he would be comfortable joining you and pre-arrange for someone to take him home then. He will probably be less anxious if he knows he isn't going to be there too long.

I do sympathise, my uncle has mental health issues and his behaviour around people sounds similar to your BIL. We normaly have to coax him out for Christmas Dinner and arrange for him to be dropped off as soon as it is finished as he can't cope much longer than that around too much company.

Original poster

twentypence · 20/12/2008 23:15

Would love to discuss with BIL but he only has a mobile phone which he never answers and never sends a txt back to us. If we went to his unit he wouldn't open the door.

BIL is known for his massive optimism, which never transpires into action. He got a job recently and lasted one day, he was so excited and then when the reality of getting the bus, talking to people etc. actually sank in he went home and wouldn't talk to anyone for a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

twentypence · 21/12/2008 06:21

Christmas has been moved. Me and SIL are doing the cooking, so MIL still gets the rest that she was angling for. All the men get away with doing bugger all as usual.

OP posts:

Original poster

twentypence · 25/12/2008 06:31

A quick update if anyone is still reading this. BIL didn't show. Dh was despatched to pick him up. He just stood and looked at him and didn't say anything just eyeballed him. Then thrust some unamed presents at him in a carrier bag.

Dh must have been very disturbed by this as he had no idea at all to expect it. MIL was not surprised and I gently said it was a cruel thing to send dh unprepared.

Dh came home, we all ate immediately. BIL showed just as we were about to leave, still would not talk. Made an effort to open ds's present and look at his card. He did smile at him, but would not talk. He just packed everything else into his bag, helped himself to a beer and went home.

Ds walked him down the driveway and he waved at him. Ds asked him why he wasn't speaking today.

MIL was really upset, FIL seemed completely unmoved, DS was confused. It was a horrible half an hour really.

But he came and I hope he is in a happier place soon.

OP posts:

reindeercantdancethetango · 25/12/2008 06:37

At least he contributed in his own way, must be hard though.

notevenamousie · 25/12/2008 09:21

You made it possible for him to attend, at least. I hope he is better soon and you can find a way for this to be a positive experience for your DS - I hope he is glad to be back home with his toys. He is lucky to have you as an SIL.

Majeika · 25/12/2008 10:22

Gosh TwentyPence! How awful!

I mis-read the post to begin with presuming that your BIL was married to your SIL but think this is wrong. Is BIL your DH's bro? and single? How long has he been like this?

Sounds like a really difficult situation to be in for all of you but at least you all tried.

Where do you live?

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