to be hacked off at my SIL for breaking a confidence?

[MamaHobgoblin]

DS (9 m) might have swallowed a closed staple, along with some newspaper, earlier this week. I rang my SIL, who's a GP and frequently doles out family medical advice, to see what she reckoned the best course of action was, because ds was acting normally, not in pain, and I didn't even know if he'd swallowed the bloody thing or not! (there was a hole around where the missing staple should have been. And I don't usually let him eat his way through the sunday supplements, but my eyes were not in the back of my head that day.)

She said, call NHS Direct, we did, they said it was best to bring him in for a look, we did that, it was all fine, nobody was worried, sent home with a checklist, bla bla.

The point is (yes there is a point!) that I specifically asked SIL not to tell her parents to avoid worrying them (naturally we would have told them if he'd had to be kept in or have an X-Ray or anything else like that).

Now, I have literally lost count of the number of times SIL has asked me or DH 'not to tell' her parents when she confesses some error of parenting to us (won't go into them, but the usual stuff like falling off the bed, leaving the stairgate open and the baby making it all the way up, etc). MIL is a bit unpredictable in the way she takes things, and there's no point in worrying her about non-events, or giving her ammo to use against us. So this morning, MIL rang DH and said 'did I have to hear about DS eating a staple from someone else?'. SIL had told her. I'm so pissed off with SIL that I'm not even using a christmas .

Ok, so AIBU to want to ring her up and bite her head off, remind her of all the things I've 'covered up' for her, and never tell her anything again? T'would 'spoil christmas' if I started WWIII, I suppose. DH is more than I am, if anything, says she's always been a tittletattle.

(I am prepared to admit that I'm taking this a little too seriously but am blaming it on hormones. Just started periods after 18 blissful months without, grrr.)

Next time sil asks you not to tell mil something, just smile sweetly and say "of course not".

Then pick up the phone and tell mil everything.

Give her a taste of her own medicine. As she is a GP she will appreciate that.

I think the problem here really is with MIL rather than SIL.

'did I have to hear about DS eating a staple from someone else?'

I would concentrate my efforts on finding something succinct to say to her rather than SIL (it could have just slipped out & she could be kicking herself for doing it0.

Think I'd say to her 'Thank you for your concern, but we are his parents and we responded according to medical advice... move along please, nothing to see here etc. etc.'

I would phone and yell and then sit after it and say 'I shouldnt have done that' but that is how I deal with things. She should know about confidentiality etc as she is a gp, maybe it just slipped out though.

Why would she do that? It's not something your mil needed to know! Yanbu to want to have it out with her but it's probably not a good idea long term...

Rise above it - just don't ever call her again for advice. To be honest i wouldn't do that ever and both my sil and bil are gp's and one of my closest friends - just can put everyone in a difficult position.

However whilst taking the moral high ground i'd just have to drop in subtley how worried your mil was and you just couldn't imagine how she'd found out.

Lol at 'taste of own medicine'! Yes, since she's a GP you'd think she'd be more practiced at confidentiality...

Must admit, first impulse was to ring MIL and give her the catalogue of SIL's minor misdemeanors (sp?). In fact, DH suggested that. But I think it won't help matters. Grrr

Mishardbroom, believe me, the problem is always with MIL! DH told MIL that it was all fine, etc, and I don't think she's upset about the staple, but more that we deliberately kept it from her. But we're not about to tell her every little thing that happens. No point in worrying her over normal baby stuff.

I think it's unlikely that it 'just slipped out' - can't imagine how it would, given that SIL wasn't directly involved. Oh well.

I agree about the problem with MIL. What a controlling thing to say!

Wewishyouabumperlicious, MIL can be plain...odd. We have had problems in the past because she has to be the first to be told stuff (like me being pregnant, for example) so there's often this absurd kerfufle whereby we have to call MIL and SIL simultaneously to avoid bad feeling. If we got important news through to SIL mere minutes before MIL, you can bet that the phonelines will be thrumming and then we get a call from MIL, who's cross that she heard something 'second hand'! Arghh!

TBH, I'm glad other people think this is fucked up dysfunctional, because DH is v stoic about it all, but I come from a far more laid-back family where nobody gives a toss about stuff like this.

Oh dear, my AIBU has turned into me ranting about my MIL. How predictable. Is it late enough for a wee drinkie yet?

another perspective.....

any GP who tells you to ring NHS Direct about something as trivial as possibly swallowing a CLOSED staple is telling you she doesn't want to be bothered by your minor medical issues when she is off duty. GPs aren't supposed to "treat" family, btw.

I appreciate that you have an odd MIL, and that you asked her not to tell, but this is hardly confidential medical information; suspect SIL mentioned it to MIL in a , "guess what XXX phoned me about today" kind of way.

Kids swallow things, my brother has a sewing needle inside him somewhere. Next time your ds is il or swallows something, phone NHS direct, and leave her out of the loop, that way she isn't pissed off, and your MIL won't find out unless you tell her.

that's fucked up. How rude.

tissy - SIL often involves herself in family medical issues of her own volition, and I'd never ring her to ask her advice if I thought for one moment that she didn't want to know. For years, I never did, because I thought - how dreary, being on duty to your family when you're not at work. No, it's not her job, but she always says to call her if there's anything we want advice on.

I didn't mean that she had to keep confidentiality in the way she's legally bound to do with her bone fide patients, naturally - but it was a confidence nonetheless, I made it clear we didn't want MIL worried, and she knows damn well she asks the same of me whenever she rings me to tell about the latest near-miss her own baby's just had. That's why we're all .

I'm certainly leaving her out of the loop in the future if it's not something we want to travel!

I agree with Tissy. Don't bother your SIL with it, ring NHS Direct. MY SIL is a pharmacist and I rang her a couple of times re medication queries for DS when he was a baby. She never said anything but when her and DH had a row she mentioned that she was always 'used' for medical advice. Haven't bothered since.

However, I don't mean to trivialise your concern about DS but a closed staple seriously wouldn't harm him so I am a bit why your MIL is being so precious about it? It's not as though he broke his arm and you didn't bother telling him. It was a potential closed staple FFS??! Very odd family - I feel your pain.

Are you spending christmas with them? If so, I would call her and get the bad feeling out of the way. you could be sort of comedy annoyed with your SIL if you can manage that - I don't think you're being unreasonable but your SIL probably accidentally let it slip forgetting who she was talking to. If you can make it clear you are actually annoyed but maintaining your sense of humour do you think that would work?

Your MIL didn't 'have' to hear about it at all!

She didn't need to know. She should realise that!! Nobody is obliged to disclose every little fact to her.

I'd say to your SIL in a sweet but stealy kind of voice "Did you forget that I said "don't tell MIL?" What happened there? HOw come you said".

Calmly though. Resist urge to say "i can't believe you told her when I said not to, what about all the secrets I've kept for you?".

NEVER, ever confide in SIL again. SHe'll know she's been relegated !

Definately spell out to her than you feel let down by her inability not to keep confidence, agree she should know better. I would also add that you would feel reluctant in future to tell her anything for that same reason.

get your own back by betraying every confidence she tells you and if she says anything just laugh manically and say "yeah, not very nice is it".

I would either take Liffey's advice if you feel you need to say something. Otherwise just take it as a useful lesson in how well SIL can keep a family confidence.

Given MIL's over-reaction, perhaps she has conditioned SIL into automatically passing everything on, because when she does find out she is just unbearable to deal with. SIL might prefer to deal with an angry DB and DSIL than an angry DM.

SIL and MIL both at fault here. SIL mainly for breaching the confidence and showing a complete lack of regard when you have 'covered' for her. And MIL sounds aggresive and indiscreet with an attitude problem (not a good combination imo). I don't think you are BU at all to feel annoyed about this.