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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is bullying behaviour and that it is not big, funny or clever to bully a 2 year old?

26 replies

theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:20

While I was upstairs this morning, dh came up to me, and told me that ds had been demanding raisins. Dh had wanted him to say please, so had held the raisins over his head and made him dance for them.

Dh seemed to think this was hilarious and is still laughing about it now, 2 hours later. I am quite cross, and think that there are better ways of getting ds to say please, and that withholding something ds really wants and being mean about it is not the best way to teach a toddler manners.

AIBU and overly precious? I seem to be getting very defensive of ds lately, possibly due to keerrrrr-azy pg hormones.

OP posts:
hecAteAMillionMincePies · 20/12/2008 11:23

no. actually that is not funny. I don't think it was malicious, but certainly mean.

Holding them out of reach until he said please - maybe. but making him dance?

Unless of course, they were both laughing and having fun??? and it was a game?? If the child was crying then it was not on, if the child was dancing and laughing, then it was fine.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:26

Hmm, it's difficult to tell with ds. He wasn't upset, he certainly wasn't crying, but I worry that his trust with his dad might have been a bit spoiled now.

I am being precious aren't i? A bit. It's ok, I know it. I just don't think that being mean to a toddler is funny. Perhaps I'm just feeling uptight today.

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Saturn74 · 20/12/2008 11:27

Yes, it depends on the atmosphere of the situation, I think.
If they were both playing a silly game, that's one thing, but I am guessing it had a uncomfortable feel to it, hence your response, tSD.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:28

Ah. Just been talking to dh about it and apparently he made ds dance for them after he'd said please.

That's made me really cross again, for some reason...

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 20/12/2008 11:29

I do think you are being a bit precious, although it was also a bit mean on your DH's part. However, I do not think your DS will remember it tomorrow, so I wouldn't worry about the trust issue.

Saturn74 · 20/12/2008 11:29

Will you be cooking dinner?
If so, perhaps it could be suspended from a rope above the dining table until DH shows the exact amount of gratitude.

CrushWithEyeliner · 20/12/2008 11:29

Horrible

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:30

We're going to a friend's house for dinner Humph. I think dh should be made to dance for his dinner.

I'm surprising myself with how cross I am about this.

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Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:31

Tee, yes you're right, he won't remember. It's me that's upset more by it!

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Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 20/12/2008 11:35

Dh reckons that it's ok because ds looked like he was dancing anyway, and there was about 8 seconds between dh locating the raisins in the cupboard and ds getting them.

Ds doesn't seem too traumatised by Raisin Gate.

OP posts:
aam · 20/12/2008 12:08

Aww, that's a bit mean. No harm done though.

edam · 20/12/2008 12:17

It does sound a bit mean but eight seconds isn't worth having a row about.

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 21/12/2008 08:28

Well this morning the first words out of ds' mouth were "Love you Dad" and he's currently playing in his kitchen wearing wellies and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star so there doesn't appear to be any lasting damage!

I am still imagining years in therapy though. On the plus side, I don't think dh will do it again now he knows how much it pissed me off!!

OP posts:
gagarin · 21/12/2008 08:35

next time DH really wants something suggest he dances round the bedroom first...he he

starbear · 21/12/2008 08:37

OH!I suspect a little Christmas Tension! What are you really upset about? Is because your doing all the work and he has a little time for fun. Give your DH some jobs to do and go for a walk in the park alone then a coffee and a newspaper you'll come back refreshed and explain to DH that he might have a happier Christmas if you don't row about something daft. Hop it helps? Sorry if I've got it wrong but.....

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 21/12/2008 08:56

starbear - I suspect pg hormones, tbh. And I am a little stressed over Xmas (MIL's fault!) so we have planned to go for a walk all together today for Solstice and then make burgers for tea!

Edam is totally right, 8 seconds is not worth having a fight over, and we didn't exactly have a row, but I did let him now I didn't think it was very fair or appropriate behaviour - although I don't have any problem with getting ds to say please in principal it was the way he went about it which annoyed me!

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starbear · 21/12/2008 09:01

I'm glad your going out. what is MIL up to that's upsetting you. I upset my Mum last year and she gone to stay with mys sister who is a JW instead this Year Ops!

starbear · 21/12/2008 09:02

Is it mid-winter today?

VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 21/12/2008 09:14

Why do men always torment kids, my dad used to do it to me and he does it to all his gc (except for my ds2(2.4))and my brother does it to his kids, if your ds wasnt upset then i would let it go over your head. it probably is just your hormones

My ds2 is the opposite and actually torments my dad, my dad finds it hilarious, i keep telling him hes getting his just deserves.

starbear · 21/12/2008 10:10

Sorry a bloke would say why are women so precious. I wish my dad tormented me like this it. Would mean he had fun with me instead he used to kiss me on the forehead before he went to the pub and that's the last I saw of him until the following day when he came in from work pinch my chips before going to the pub again!

LynetteScavo · 21/12/2008 10:15

Tell your DH to stop being such a dick!

If this happened to my child in a nursery I would have them out like a shot!

I think even holding them out of his reach untill he said please is He's 2 FGS!

I hate people forcing tollders to say please. Of course they need to learn good manners, but learning by example is far the best way IMO.

LynetteScavo · 21/12/2008 10:17

Can you tell I'm the youngest of 4, and just can't stand teasing? - which this was, I think, not bullying.

starbear · 21/12/2008 10:18

Are and I'm the oldest of 4 ha! ha!

ILikeToHoHoHo · 21/12/2008 10:27

Lynette - I'm with you, I can't abide teasing. My dad used to do it to me and I see him do it too his gc (which I tell him not to as I know how much I hated it). He then wonders why the gc get wound up by it

Original poster
theSuburbanDryad · 21/12/2008 11:18

I wouldn't have held them out of his reach either, I usually say, "Please?" when he asks, and then say, "Thank you," as I give them to him, which seems to be soaking in - although he says, "Danks," which is v cute!

Starbear - MIL phones or txts at least once a day, which I'm finding very stressful and difficult to cope with. I've stopped answering her calls now (which means i usually get 15 missed calls or so ) so dh has to deal with her. For example, today she txted us both saying, "Please call ASAP," when dh phoned her it turned out she wanted to buy stuff for goodie bags for ds' birthday party (which is not till mid-Jan and will probably not involve goodie bags as it's also a joint housewarming and the kids will get a piece of birthday cake and a balloon - if they're lucky!) - it's basically a passive/aggressive control thing. She has to know what we're doing every day, she got very upset when we told her she couldn't come up this weekend as yesterday we were going out for lunch and today was meant to be family time. It's driving me absolutely insane, tbh, and I have no idea how to deal with it, other than leaving dh to deal with it, which he doesn't do very well!

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