to want to spend Christmas at home with my family this year instead of visiting parents?

[bohemianbint]

Every year forever we have gone to my parents for Christmas Day and gone over to visit the in-laws shortly afterwards.

The in-laws are popping over here a couple of times before Christmas. But we just thought this year, DS1 is 2.4 and we have a nearly 4 month old as well, and we want to try and make things as easy on ourselves as possible. The last couple of years we've gone to my parents on Christmas Day but it's like they haven't registered that we have kids now, and carry on like before making no allowance for the fact that it's different for us now.

The problem is that everyone sits around the table for up to 6 hours, eating and drinking. (Getting quite pissed!) Whilst this was fab before, DS1 is very spirited and energetic and we can't get him to sit still in a room for longer than about 20 minutes before he starts pulling the place to bits and stropping. No one helps us with the kids, they just want to carry on, which is fine, but the last couple of years me and DH take it in turns to take DS out and appease him, we don't get to sit and eat together, or sometimes at all, there's smoking in the dining room and in general the way they do it excludes the kids and makes things very tough for us.

So we thought we'd just have lunch together here earlier in the day (and get it done quickly rather than take hours over it) and just let DS enjoy playing with his new things, and maybe get my parents to bob round at some point, or maybe pop in there for an hour or so later in the day after they've eaten(although definitely easier for them to come to us!)

I don't think this is so outrageous, we're not trying to get other people to change what they do, but we need to change what we do for the sake of our sanity. I haven't discussed it with my parents yet but I spoke to my cousin who thinks we're being unreasonable and should make the effort to go round for lunch. (She has no kids and has no idea the effort involved in packing up the car and getting 2 kids out of the house!) She also said people would help us with the kids, but we know historically that this is, quite frankly, bollocks. But if we don't go, the impression I get is that they'll all think we're miserable bastards and being funny with them.

AIBU?

No, YANBU, I think that sounds fine - yes, your family may well think you're being miserable bastards but you'll just have to suck it up until they get over it!

Our DS is only six months but we're spending Christmas at home - we intend to start as we mean to go on. Every Christmas when I was a child was spent in our own home - so much easier - and when I was pg my dad said to me that they would expect us to do the same thing for our son, unless we had a desperate desire to trek across the country to see them!

So much pressure is put on people so see family at Christmas, it sucks!

Hope you have a great day!

Why can't you compliment your parents on how much you have enjoyed the way they do christmas over the years....then tell them that as your circumstances have changed you are unable to participate in the same way anymore and it's hard for your ds to understand the 6 hr traditional dine & wine routine.
For this reason only you will be eating at your own place this christmas da and visiting later/earlier.

Did your parents do this type of christmas day when you were tiny?
if not remind them of this.

On the one hand, it's Christmas and it's one day in the whole year for everybody to be together.

On the other hand, it sounds like a right pain in the neck but also, kids being chucked in to a room with smoking adults would be enough for me to say No. (I'm a smoker BTW - outside only).

My brother & his wife put their foot down with a firm hand a few years ago and said "that's it, we're having Xmas a t our own house from now on - like it or lump it!" and guess what, after some initial chunnering, everyone now just accepts it and either goes to their house to see them or goes later on in the week. It's that easy!

Bit tricky and IMO perhaps too late to duck out this year without causing offence. You could try explaining this to your parents. Perhaps remind them of last year, and see what they think? Perhaps they will sympathise and if they don't at least they all might rally round a bit more to give you a chance to sit too.

For a future year you could say ahead of time that you'll be having lunch on your own and will pop over for pudding/tea in afternoon.

My parents also do the long breakfast/lunch/dinner thing (all the time! not just Xmas.) They love leisurely, lots of courses, wine etc. It's great until you have kids and then it's just painful!

Would discuss it direct with your parents rather than your cousin. You can prove you're not miserable by turning up later in the day with lots of Christmas cheer!

Oh good. When we were kids we always used to go to my grandparents, but they used to make it really child friendly and everyone played games and talked, and no one was getting hammered. My parents seem to think that kids should just fit in, but there's no bend in there, they won't give a little to let them fit in and it just makes for a really miserable time for us. The last few times there's been a meal round there me and the kids have ended up in another room alone so there's been no point really!

I would definitely not feel the slightest bit bad about not going then.....
I can't understand grandparents that don't want to make the day special for their grandchildren....

no YANBU. Talk to them about it - seeing them for a short visit is ideal. First priority is you want to enjoy Christmas with your own little family. Set the ground rules for years to come etc...

I am going to parents Boxing Day.

oh, should add we haven't been formally invited, I don't know if they're just assuming it'll be the same as always. They've been away for a month and only just got back. They haven't mentioned anything, but they are being a bit weird with us at the mo.

Do exactly as you have planned. Yes it's lovely to get together with family at Christmas but imo it should be about spending time with your own children firstly.

I love that we spend Christmas in our own house doing exactly what we want. Yes it would be lovely for the kids to see their extended family but we can't do it both ways (family are abroad).

When we did used to go to ILs, they wouldn't eat until really late in the afternoon (by which time PILs were, err slightly merry) and after dinner SILs would bugger off to visit friends/boyfriends, PILs would have to retire to bed early due to afore-mentioned merriness and dh and I would be left on our own for the evening - so much for spending time with family!

No yanbu. It's kind of common practice for this to happen in my family. Families expand and get bigger. Of course you want to start having Christmas in your own home with your children, you want to be able to have your own traditions.

I don't see why this should be such an issue, I would have thought your family would undersatnd that surely?

In our family we have Christmas with each other, and then boxing day is the big family meet at my aunts house for a big dinner. That way you get Christmas to yourselves but you still see everyone on boxing day. Could something like that work for you?

why are they being weird with you??

Basically I think it's because they are quite controlling and we've had to talk to them about it, which they didn't take well. It seems basically if we don't do things how they think they should be done, they wash their hands of us.

Finally broached it. Feel guilty now. It's ridiculous.

Hope you got it sorted xx

Thanks! I think they think we're doing it for their benefit, and they said people would help but I know they won't.

They offered to bring our lunch round. I feel bad.

YANBU at all. we always used to do the rounds of the parents on xmas day, neither of drive so it was a pain in the arse. then on ds's first xmas it was horrible. he didnt get to play with his toys everyone was really fraught and frankly the day was just exhausting. so now we have xmas at home.

last year it was just the 3 of us, this year pil's, my mum and stepdad and lilbro are all coming for lunch. ds will be able to play with his presents and we can relax a bit knowing we are in our own home.

its your xmas and you should be able to make your own traditions!

YANBU in the slightest. We used to do this every year until a couple of years ago when we decided to just stay put for christmas day and do the visiting on boxing day.

Its so nice to be able to spend the day in your pj's and for the kids to have the day to spend with their toys.

I have a similar situation in that I don't want to travel. This year my partner and I split after almost 20 years, and our daughter and I moved into our own place. I had hoped to have Christmas here, with my daughter, spending our first Christmas in our new house. And I thought my brother and sister could come over one day. My brother's children are grown and on their own, my sister has no kids.

However, I work 50-60 hours/week and just have not been able to pull the house together. It is about 1/3 the size we had been in, so space is an issue.

Anyway, once I said I couldn't host, my brother decided then it would be at his house, which is several hundred miles out of state. My sister's is only an hour away, but they have too many housepets for the brother to handle.

My daughter right now is spending 3 days across the state in the other direction with her dad's side of the family. If we have to travel to his place, she would have approximately 1 hour to unpack and repack, before we'd be on the road. She doesn't want to do this, and I'm not keen on it either. My brakes are going in my car, and being a single parent, the cost is going to be tough to handle. The one private mechanic that will do it has taken off work for the holidays. In addition the weather here is deadly cold and snowy this week. We would not be able to have our Christmas together, and the entire time that we thought we'd have together will be spent traveling. As much as I would like to see my siblings, all this traveling just does not sound appealing to me.

I mentioned it to my sister last night and she blew a gasket and it's now turned into a huge fight. Am I really that wrong to want to spend my first Christmas in my new home, bonding with my daughter, after this huge change in our lives this year?

Thanks for your input.

YANBU but perhaps should have told them these were your plans a few weeks ago.

YANBU. That's why we have a big family get together just after Christmas, It gives everyone time to be wioth thier own small families on Christmas day. But we do plan the date about a month in advance.

beanieb - The original plans were well known, and I let everyone know several weeks ago, when I was being required to work 7 days/week, that I could not host as I was out of time and energy to do what would be needed to get ready. The discussion then went to having it at my sister's, I'd bring the turkey for dinner, and what the others would bring was sorted out between them. It was only a few days ago that the brother announced it would instead be at his house. My sister doesn't mind the traveling at all - in fact looks forward to going somewhere different. I don't feel the same. Forgot to mention that we've also been dealing with frozen water pipes due to the cold. While they're under control now, if something happens and they burst, we're in trouble. No neighbors will be around to check.