How much do you cushion your DCs from disappointment? How much should you?

[BalloonSlayer]

Reading the theatre ticket thread made me think of this.

DD got a present for her birthday that - although lovely, and generous - really will never be played with. Was a little downcast about it. I made an attempt at taking it back to the shop I thought it came from but it didn't, so we're stuck with it.

The idea will be that we will pass it on to to someone else as a party present and DD will get something else. TBH what with Christmas coming up and all it'll probably get forgotten.

Then DS won TWO raffle prizes. Both completely useless to anyone him. I feel quite sorry for him. I found myself thinking: oh well perhaps I'll take them off him and get him . . . nooooo noooo NOOOO you stupid woman stop mollycoddling him . . . ah but it's such a shame, his poor little face . . . he's got to learn, he shouldn't have spent so blardy much on raffle tickets . . . and so on.

How far have you gone to assauge a child's disappointment? How far would you go? How far should you?

how old was dd and what was the present? is it something you could pass onto local surestart group or childrens ward?

how old is ds? either young enough for you to NOT allow him to buy raffle tickets, or old enough to understand the risk and take responsibility for spending his own money.
DDs used to think I was mean for not letting them have a go on the PTA easter egg raffle (10 prizes each infants and juniors)till I explained that £1 could buy 4 tickets and they might not win anything and would not get their money back. or same £1 could buy an easter egg/chocolate etc that was definitely theirs, they see the decision as easy now!

I cushion my dc 100% where possible. I will always do so as long as I am able. Ds has High Functioning Autism so a little disappointment goes a long way. Besides life is going to be tough enough for him. Want to make it as happy as possible while I can.

In both those situations, I wouldn't buy a replacement. I would say 'ah well, never mind' and try and make them see the best in the situation (it'll make her friend really happy to receive/give to charity etc)

in the theatre ticket case, I would prob do something to assauge (great word!!) the disappointment, because they have been looking forward to it.

Think disappointment is part of life, IMO that's what games like Tombolas and Lucky Dips and Pass the Parcel are for (before they got all 'everyone's-a-winner' and missed the point )

Though Fleur, it is slightly different in your case of course. My point is that for NT kids, disappointment shouldn't be an all-out end-of-the-world catastrophe.

Oh yes the present can be passed on right enough, and I expect she will never notice if we don't get her something else.

DS is 8. Oh I think it's a fine lesson on how not to spend too much on raffle tickets. Just that a bit of my heart breaks for his disappointment. Am trying to be tough

Neither of my DCs are sporty so I always get them a present on sports day for "trying hard and being good sports" (ie not crying when they come last) but I worry that if I try to make them feel better about things all the time they might struggle to cope in later life with the inevitable knockbacks.

Life is full of disappointments, I always tell them. The trick is to learn how to pick yourself up, comfort yourself. And I want to teach that trick to my DCs and am not sure I am managing it, or am likely to soon at this rate.

I think it's ok that they should seek comfort from you first! If you/friend/etc are not there then yes, they need to be able to comfort themselves but we are designed to seek human intimacy and reassurance (speaking as one who finds it very hard to seek that comfort...)

And I think as long as you emphasise why you get them a present/give them a big hug/are very proud, then continue to be extra proud on sports day. Would have loved my mum to acknowledge how hard it was for me.

Totally understand about the heart-sinking. Mine is when I think about the first time dd (she's only 2.5) gets rejected by her friends. Oh, boy, that gets me . Trying to see it that negative emotions are ok - it's how you deal with it that counts (ie getting a cuddle, expressing it).

A little extreme but I bought concert tickets for my little sisters birthday a couple of years ago. I sent her a card with a note explaining and she was delighted, then the tickets never turned up and I realised the website had gone bust.

Instead of telling her I paid 3x cost price for some on ebay, and sent DP on public transport to pick them up in person (3 hour round trip).

I think you have (well, we have as Iinclide myself there) to balance the times where we compensate on y=things and the ones it is not needed. I think
-in the birthday thing I would replace the gift
-The tombola I would just explain that not everyone can win and you will never be sure to get a prize so it is a risk you are taking when you buy tickets.
-for sports day I would express how proud I am of them but not get them anything. Life is competitive and you do not always get something out of it but the essential is to remember to always try theuir best no matter what> It is from their efforts they get confident and proud.

Sorry for typos DD1 is brushing my hair while I am typing and I cannot concentrate as it is so relaxing!

The comfort themself bit is for when they are an adult, Umlellala. I mean so they are not always expecting consolation prizes throughout their lives.

I remember DH telling me that when he had dropped DD at school a little boy was giving out party invitations. She didn't get one. When he told me we both cried! She's not even our pfb! She got one the next day in the second batch. I still feel with the mum sending them out in two batches.

And I get so frustrated at the board games that are just games of complete chance, so they can be really hard to lose convincingly when it's near bed time and tears are just a whisper away:

"I've got a four."
"No mummy you've thrown a six."
"Have I? oh, errr..."
"Come on mummy"
"Errr... one, two, three, four, five, six, oh I seem to have won."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

Oh, I've got it all to come . No, I still think it is good for people to seek comfort from others. Even as adults. Sometimes we turn to drink, drugs, chocolate when all we need is a hug (! oo-er Oprah... !)

As far as not cushioning my dd, I sometimes take the last crisp in the packet, or say 'oh dear, sorry, you can't do xyz'. Though am sympathetic. Managed to lose her beloved doll at the hospital because I couldn't be arsed to go back. Actually, that did make me feel heart-broken for her, and we did find someone else to cuddle. But you know what, she was fine. Disappointed, but the world didn't end. And she cheered up when we talked about her doll making sick children very happy. Making lemonade when life gives you lemons a v useful life skill IMO.

And this is disappointment??

How strange.

Those two examples wouldn't be met with disappointment in my family. We'd just shrug it off. So I certainly wouldn't be doing any cushioning.

You're sounding utterly soft, balloon. Honest, you are.

Disappointment is part of life, they have to learn to deal with it. I had to stop grandparents always letting my DS win, he has to learn to lose gracefully. When you have 3 DCs they can't all win! I still remember a friend marching off with her Monopoly board when she was 12yrs old and losing-we were shocked!

Disappointment is part of life, they have to learn to deal with it. I had to stop grandparents always letting my DS win, he has to learn to lose gracefully. When you have 3 DCs they can't all win! I still remember a friend marching off with her Monopoly board when she was 12yrs old and losing-we were shocked!

It's natural to feel as you did in the two examples I think, however, I would sympathise but not take any action IYSWIM ie replace the items.

That way they know you are sympathetic to their feelings but also that sometimes things don't go our way and sometimes there's nothing to do but take it on the chin.

Especially in the case of the raffle tickets. Your DC has learned that he parted with his cash without being certain of a reasonable outcome and indeed he didn't get a reasonable outcome. If anything will help him to value his money better in future, that will.

Replacing the items is absolutely futile as really he was buying a thrill of the unknown as much as a prize. Your replacing the item won't make his pleasure at taking part in the raffle.

Yeah poinsettydog I am worrying about getting too soft. Yet of course my kids think I am horribly unsympathetic

Don't worry, I am certainly not going to replace the raffle prizes, I know that would be absurd. I was more alarmed that in my heart I wanted to.

And as I said before, I have told DD I will swap the gift but I probably won't, Christmas and all that.

Umlellala the self-comfort I meant is the same as you meant, ie sympathy. It's the drowning sorrows in drink, or "I've had a bad day so I must have/eat/buy this" that I think constant consolation prizes can lead to.

Staying strong with Mumsnet's help

You sound nice . But your kids are taking you for a ride