Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To wish my friend would do something about her daughter's constant tale telling?

55 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/12/2008 20:36

It is really getting on my tits and is making DD1 quite depressed. I cannot pick her up from the after school club without said friend's child racing across the floor to tell me with glee that DD1 only got 2 out of 10 in her tables test, that she was kept in at break time, that she came last in cross country, got a D or E on her school report for something etc etc.

I used to laugh it off, but it is just getting beyond a joke, as DD1 usually ends up in tears on the way home. Her mother has heard her and usually just laughs. I have tried saying (in front of mother) it's not kind to tell tales, and today I (childishly) resorted to "Well aren't you the regular little tell tale tit! Always first to tell on others! It must be wonderful to be so perfect! You must tell DD1 what your secret is!" (Said like Joyce Grenfell with accompanying snarl.)

She looked a bit shocked, but didn't say anything (neither did her mother). I could see DD1's lip starting to wobble, so we left hastily. I've reached the stage where I (almost) wish she would tell tales on someone less "nice" than DD1 who would bite back or whack her!

I am going to have to say something to my friend, aren't I...? Can I do so tactfully, given my playground behaviour today? Both our DDs are 10, BTW.

OP posts:

Tortington · 15/12/2008 21:05

" i can't tell you how much i don't care darling!"

devoutsceptic · 15/12/2008 21:06

I had this when my ds was in reception. I said, 'No, X, stop being mean. Nobody likes people who tell tales' and walked away. It didn't happen again and his mum still speaks to me and ds has been invited to two birthday parties since, so it clearly didn't scar him for life. However, letting him carry on and saying 'yes, dear' would have been awful for my poor ds who was really struggling with school at first. It must be horrible for the OP's daughter to have to put up with this ghastly tale-telling, and I think her mum was right to be pretty brisk and assertive. At 10 the girl can take it and, honestly, needs to hear it. Because it's true, nobody does like a tell-tale.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 15/12/2008 21:06

Tbh I think a better response is:

"Luckily she does other things fabulously well" - playing up the talents of your daughter and ignoring the negative.

I don't view it as telling tales unless she is telling untruths - it's just she's only telling you negative things so I would play up the positive and it will teach her that people are better at some things than others and you're also focusing on the positive which leads by example.

SmilePlease · 15/12/2008 21:06

Just thought i should add that ... i scare myself sometimes.

''keep your distance''

i mean the girl is being mean and a stirr up but she isn't the spawn of the devil.

devoutsceptic · 15/12/2008 21:11

It certainly IS telling tales! It is exactly what it is. Very nasty, antisocial behaviour, and she needs to learn that for her own sake.
Also, to the OP, make sure your daughter knows you think she is fab, point out her skills and talents, and say she doesn't have to put up with nastiness, and maybe this girl isn't really her friend.
Ask the teacher/club supervisors to see if they can help her hang out with nicer friends.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 15/12/2008 21:11

I dont have experience of school age children, as my child is younger, but to be fair, if this has been going on for a while and the mother is laughing it off, it does imply nobody has told the child that what she is doing is wrong.

NotanOtter · 15/12/2008 21:12

i dont think you can be quite so forceful as some of these suggest

when faced with this in the past ( and it happens IMO a far bit) I would try the THISISYESTERDAY tack first

if this fails thenadd small quantities of evident disdain and ( childishly) the odd meaningful look when speaking to said girl

she is NOT a baby and this type of behaviour is not pleasant. Her mum should be shutting her up . I would by now - i waoould say 'A - B can tell her mummy herself if she wants to ' or 'and I suppose you have been perfect'

As a parent and i spout this often - my job is NOT to make sure my kids love me but for me to make sure THE WORLD AND HIS SISTER loves THEM

i am happy to bollock my child so that the other child and her Mum actually like her. The MUM in your scenario - by ignoring the situation- is making you and your DD loathe the girl in question

IYKWIM!

Blu · 15/12/2008 21:13

Take a step back.

It isn't up to you to react or 'disipline' the child about it - but you don't want to hear anythng fom her, so leave your reaction there: be direct and cut her off with "if there's anything DD wants me to know she'll tell me herself", beczuse that IS the beginning and end of the situation, and walk away or change the subject.

I don't think sarcasm and cutting replies are the best way to deal with 10-yos - it is part of the 'bitchy gosspiy' culture of teenagers and slebs that they mistakenly aspire too! It's also f your dd to decide whether she wants t be friends with her, etc - and perhaos your dd should tell her she doesn't like it - coach her in standing up fo her pov, a bit, if she is over-obliging with friends.

Blu · 15/12/2008 21:18

I know a couple of 10 yo girls who do this sort of thing - deep into 'bitching' culture, and showing off, and mistakenly thinking they will get adult approval. But 10 yos are still clumsy, socially,and begining to feel they are on the cusp of adulthood, and trying out adult ways - thinking 'oh, I know what adults will think of so-and-so's behaviour'.

wheresthehamster · 15/12/2008 21:23

Agree with elf. How does she know you don't like it? If she keeps doing it and you don't say anything why should she stop? She's probably wondering what your 'outburst' was all about today!

If you have to say anything to her then 'Can you let dd tell me herself' tack is the best.

Good luck!

devoutsceptic · 15/12/2008 21:23

Then I honestly think that adults should let them know what they think. It's a really important lesson. They won't break into tiny pieces when they find out people find it intolerable and nasty, but it might stop them doing it. The OP says her daughter is very upset by the behaviour. I agree that she needs to support her daughter to cope with this unpleasantly forceful character, but I think as the girls is addressing her remarks to the mother, the mother is perfectly sensible to say something back.

poinsettydog · 15/12/2008 21:25

can't you just interrupt her and say 'dd likes to tell me her news on the way home. I don't want the surprises to be spoiled' or summat.

She sounds like a pain. Get her tellt.

piscesmoon · 15/12/2008 21:26

I think that I would just smile politely at her and then say 'why are you telling me?' in a very calm manner and wait for her to give you a reason. If she can't then I would tell her not to do it in future, still with a smile. If she has got a reason I would tell her that you are fed up with all the things that went wrong and you will only listen if she tells you something good first. Hold her to it-I find they soon give up if they have to find a positive. Do it all with a smile.

poinsettydog · 15/12/2008 21:27

I'd just say something polit but firm to the child. Kids are pretty tough about hearing such things. It's the touchy parents who would blow up. But say it politely and teh parent shouldn't have anything to cpmplain about.

DoubleBluff · 15/12/2008 21:54

Didnt think I was being cruel
Ten is old enough to know better.No one likes a tell tale, and I dont think a quiet word with her mum will work if dhe is spoilt.
DS1 has a friend who tell tales on the school run to me.
I just told him to stop telling tales, if DS's teacher was not happy about something he had done then they could tell me. I don't need you to do it for me'
Not nasty just to the point.

Jux · 15/12/2008 21:54

I think I'd be really firm and say something like "It's not nice to tell tales. I don't want to hear this."

I might have a word with the mum as well - your daughter is upsetting my daughter, could you have a word.

I suspect that your reaction this time has told them both anyway. Perhaps the mum felt embarrassed about telling her dd off in public, though it's too late any other time. You may almost have given her 'permission' to tell her dd off herself in future.

Jux · 15/12/2008 21:54

I think I'd be really firm and say something like "It's not nice to tell tales. I don't want to hear this."

I might have a word with the mum as well - your daughter is upsetting my daughter, could you have a word.

Jux · 15/12/2008 21:55

Sorry, machine's doing what machines do.

Original poster

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/12/2008 21:58

Wheresthehamster and Elf - I have said before that it's not kind to tell tales. I will speak to her mother - really, the child needs to be aware that this isn't appropriate behaviour for her own sake, before she starts secondary school and someone smacks her one for telling tales, and she has to learn the hard way.

OP posts:

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 15/12/2008 22:05

Yes but have you spoken to the child before or to the mother?

Original poster

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/12/2008 22:35

Elf - from my OP:

"I have tried saying (in front of mother) it's not kind to tell tales."

OP posts:

tiredsville · 15/12/2008 22:40

Ok, it's after 10 o'clock. I can be horrible.
Just say, "yeah, yeah, whats your point kido?"

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 15/12/2008 22:43

Yes, but you could quite easily take the mother to one side and explain you find her daughters tattle tales inappropriate / awkward, and that your child finds it upsetting, and ask her to talk to her daughter.

I'm not having a go btw, just if it were my DD who was being the annoying one, I'd prefer somebody to approach me so I can talk to my child, rather than another adult snarling at her.

2AdventSevenfoldShoes · 15/12/2008 22:44

why do you have to speak to the child
just ignore her.

hester · 15/12/2008 22:49

I think Blu's points are spot-on.

Flip

1 2 3