To not have to clean and tody up my mums house EVERY time i go round!

[PinkChick]

she has a lovely flat that she moved to 2 years ago.
Her old house was very run down, dirty, messy, junk piled everywere..when she moved i sorted it all out for her threw boxes and boxes of crap away
when she first moved to this flat she did have storage prob, but i went over made it all tidy, cleaned from top to bottom weekly(not asked nor discussed, but she did refer to me to her friends as 'her cleaner' when asked why she didnt get someone in)
my brother moved in for a few months and what had already started to go downhill, due to my mum never throing anything away(literally, i mean empty sellofane packets, tv guides..all threw in corner/piled on a chair)..it was then a complete tip as brother is sorse than her and i refused to help as he didnt lift a finger.
he went months ago, she STILL has a pile of crap in the corner of her bedroom, that hasnt been touched since she moved in..NONE of which is anyuse/good, her drawers and cupboards are packed to bursting with old(not needed) receipts, carrier bags etc!?
we went over today as dd wanted to put her tree up and i hooverd(we made mess with tinsle) and started tidying but when i looked around they was stuff all over worktops in kitchen, things thrown on floor in living room/bedroom/bathroom, bags of veg on the floor with a black bag of rubbish on top!

So have just told her this is awful, its as bad as last house and i cant believe she let this place get this way, if you dont need a reciept throw it away, dont hide it under the tv, throw USED tissues away!, yes its her flat, but she maons about us not going over and taking dd!..she has out of date fruit/food set out knowing dd will try and get it, knives used/dirty and scatterd over the owrk tops....argh...shes not elderly, she does have ailments which stop her getting around so easilly, but nothing to stop her cleaning up/tidying up after herself..i know i shouldnt be telling my own mum to tidy up (but she wont listen anyway), but its got the point were i dont want to go round or take dd anymore an my mum will just think im being stuck up!..im honestly not, my own house is not shining, but hers IS foul and i dont know what to do?, i work full time and tbh even if i did have the time like i used too, i wouldnt do it anymore as it was expected of me and she never did ANYTHING for herself, i feel like im banging my head against a brick wall and have just been stomping round my own house putting washing out/away, sorting dishwasher out etc as i cant stand the thought af my house being like that...argh//sorry i know ill prob get told off here, but am sick of people taking a lend and not helping themselves then thinking im the bad guy when i say ebough is enough

for you that your mother isn't able to take proper care of herself. I understand both your frustration at her, and also wanting to take care of her and make her home nice and clean and tidy and comfortable. But face it - is she going to change if she has always been like this? Your option is either to accept her mess, or to carry on cleaning for her. Nothing else is going to happen now.

think anna is right, got to accept her like this or call kim and aggie!
i do sympathise, my friend's mum was like this and it really got her depressed, she said you could hardly get in the door from old 60's mags piled ceiling high, piles of crud and such
everywhere..
she is ill really might be better way of looking at it

the thing is she IS able to do this, she jsut cant be botherd..she doesnt work, says shes bored and her place is this bad!..you're right, i dont think she will change, but i will not take dd round there anymore, its dirty and dangerous(knives etc)..shes asked for dd to go round there recently while we went christmas shopping(we originally said she could babysit here for a few hours-she asked, we havent left dd with anyone-never had any offers so just got used to it)..and i said "but you leave knives out on the top etc" and mum said oh ill make sure everythingis away......i rang her yesterday to tell her we were going this afternoon, i rang her again and hour before we went and it was still like this!??

She isn't going to change! Either leave her to it or do the cleaning.

people's surroundings environment are often an indication of their state of mind
she sounds depressed
if she can do it but obviously chooses not to then she must on some level feel at home living like that iykwim
it's easy to get in a rut doing nothing when you have plenty of time etc she is not alone
what outside interests does she have?
library, friends, family, hobbies, volunteer work?
what was your home like growing up? was it like this then?

my father was an arsehole and we regulary had a game called 'lets tidy up' where he would go round shouting at everyone to cleana nd tidy, she divorced him 10 years ago and hasnt botherd since then..as no ones 'told' her too IYSWIM?

but she doesnt even keep the most basic of hygeine standards ie: the bathrrom clean or worktops were she prepares food etc.

am just so fed up with her expecting me to do it and because ive stopped its like hmm why is she being funny, then like tonight when i do it and tel her tis terrible i get thought bad of
i ring and shell say oh ive just been sorting out 'that' corner...but she's lying, she hasnt touched i, if anything its getting bigger, there are coat hangers strewn on the floor, tags pulled of clothes and chucke on the floor..i would expect this from a teeneager, but not an older woman..but now...as i wont go round, again I'LL be the bad guy as im being picky/awkward/nasty/lazy for not doing it etc

sorry yes she goes out through day 3 or 4 days a week, town, supermarket & cafe, friends etc, she moved to a nice village just up road from town so can get everywere easilly, but still moans things are too far away, she doesnt see anyone!..(she lives RIGHT opposite a beautiful park)..she wants everyone to do everything for her and i just cant anymore

that sounds rough!
but you have been telling her to do it though just not bullying and yelling...

the main issues are hygiene/safety really
i would say to her until the knives are out of reach and the place is free of child hazards we wont be round
i can help you get it in order but you must maintain it or you can visit us / babysit at our house

is she depressed do you think?
does the mess / squalor upset her on any level do you think?

people can find comfort in mess, i have a friend who by looking at her room i know what sort of time she is having, it can be hard work though and it must be tough if you have to parent your parent

She has an illness PinkChick.

Being unable to throw anything away is some sort of weird obsessive compulsive illness, I'm not sure what its official name is.

A lot of the people who featured on How Clean Is Your House? had it imho.

There is an American website called something like Surviving Squalor or Squalor Survivors (try googling, I'm sure you'll find it) filled with the most amazing pictures and stories.

Your Mum actually needs a form of therapy. You can never solve the problem for her (and nor should you) and you will have to say to her that you are not taking DD to her house until she faces up to her problems and actively seeks help (GP first port of call).

She seems to know that you disapprove of the way she keeps her flat. It surely won't be a surprise to her if you say you can't go round any more. Just keep telling her.

So sorry for her and you that you are going through this.

Hi, thanks for the replies..no i dont 'tell her off', she had years of that from my father and my brother is always 'barking' at her, maybe im too tactful..i'll get up and put something in the bin and while in kitchen tell her does she realise the fruit is off, ill say she could do with a sort out as her cereals etc have no space to fit in cupboards, ill tell her i can 'smell' something in kitchen/bathroom and i have said more recently that im sorry mam but this place is getting like your old house, its only a small flat, if you keep on top of it, it would neevr get this way..i also say eeeh you could do with having a sort out if your wardrobes that full youve got your clothes hung up on doors in front room etc...tonight i was walking around picking up dirty tisues, 4 week old magazines that ahd been left on the table piled up, veg from under rubbish bags and said look i know you wont like me for saying thsi, but this is awful, its a mess, its exactly the same as your old house...i picked a bag up which had been hidden under catalogues and towels and it had a almost empty bottle of juice in it and i just showed her it and said "mam"????
she'll most likely go the other way now and feel im 'picking' on her
everything that comes from her flat smells..it used to be like this in old house, but this was a NEW flat!?
a can of pop had burst in fridge..it was left!..with food/drinks still in frisge and when she offered dp a can and i saw it and asked what happend she told me...she had made NO attempt to clean it up, yet stll used the fridge and contents coverd in coke..until i came along of course and cleaned the entire fridge!
whats worse is i did a food hygeine course last week for my job and it shocked me into looking more at how i do things in my home, i just feel sick when i think of my mums

she wont go to the docs about it as she wont admit it

See if you can find that website, PinkChick.

It may help you with some ideas.

If you are very firm and don't take your DD over there then she might be shocked into doing something about it. At the moment you are helping her to survive in squalor because you are doing bits and bobs for her while you are there.

I imagine you feel terrible about leaving her to sink into abject squalor but sometimes people have to reach rock bottom before they acknowledge they have a serious problem (like alcoholics, drug addicts, etc). The "loss" of help from a close family member can make people realise they have sunk to the bottom of the pit and they really do have to help themselves.

Message withdrawn

i told dp about it today, i could talk to him about it last night as i was so annoyed and disgusted and we both know how its been getting, so i needed to make my own descision about not going round anymore.
I wont bring it up until after christmas now, mum will be coming here on Christmas day, then through holidays ill ask her back over and tell her then, but try and bring it up in convo instead of sitting her down..or maybe that IS what i should do?, i dont know?
I will have a look for that website though, thankyou...i feel so bad about telling her, but then i think well it ISNT a safe environment for dd or anyone for that matter with all that crap laying around and out of date food etc, she knows i always put dd first and unless she decides to help herself, i just cant anymore, i feel awful for saying that, but i cant..its like shes taking the pee, letting me absolutely gut the palce(including 'the corner') then letting it get this way again
Thanks for all your tips, i will speak to our nurse next week when i go, as she sees my mum as well and ill ask for her advice..see what she says, but mum is on that many meds (diabetes/arthritus/copd) that i dont know if AD's will help or hinder her?, or even wether she would take them?

that should have said i couldnt talk to dp last night.

have just googled that site and found it, its very good! and in some ways IS talking about my mum, BUT she isnt as bad as 'some' of them..i will read it in more detail when i get more time and print some of the info out for her..thankyou so much for that resource, hopefully it will help her to help herself.

And thankyou all so much for not telling me im a terrible daughter over all this