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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about DS's new friends?

59 replies

VickyToria · 13/12/2008 18:02

My DS is at private school and always has been since he was 5. I suppose he lives quite a sheltered life, he has never been allowed to play outside or go anywhere on his own but we have tried to give him worldly experiences by taking him abroad, he's helped with some charity work both here and abroad and we never thought it would be a problem.

Anyway DH suggested that he join a local scouts group to help him broaden his social circles and give him some independance away from us. I agreed.

He loved it and has been going for around 6 months. However, I am starting to worry about the new friends he has made. He is the only child there from private school, the rest are from state schools and don't tend to value education at all. Some have called DS a swot because he reads a lot. They use bad language which DS has copied and slipped up with once or twice, they phone him and ask him if he's "larking out" which basically means hanging around the streets on a night and I know a couple of them smoke.

I'm starting to think this is the kind of experience DS could have done without. But I don't want to be a snob, however I refuse to allow my DS to pick up this kind of behaviour just to 'fit in'.

DH agrees with me. Are we both being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Fillyjonk · 13/12/2008 18:17

"The other kids at his school do normal teenage things of course"

so its just him who goes to scouts?

Original poster

VickyToria · 13/12/2008 18:18

From his own school he is the only one that goes to scouts, yes.

OP posts:

Heated · 13/12/2008 18:19

Nice lads go to scouts. The language might occasionally be a bit ripe but boys, yes even privately ed ones, swear. Your son needs to acquire a bit of street nous if he isn't going to be a mark.

Original poster

VickyToria · 13/12/2008 18:21

What do you mean, mark?

OP posts:

Fillyjonk · 13/12/2008 18:23

are you REALLY saying that boy scouts are corrupting your teenager? REALLY?

Of course you are a troll but a funny one, I salute you.

wideratthehips · 13/12/2008 18:24

give him a bit of rope or you could be in a heap of trouble when hes 16.

do you not trust his judgement?

my dh went to the top independant school in the country and went to scouts..the behaviour of some of his friends was completely outragous and criminal.....he sounds like hes having fun and given you no cause for concern yet

wideratthehips · 13/12/2008 18:25

the friends from school......tsk

hercules1 · 13/12/2008 18:26

Guess what - my ds is nearly 13, doesnt go out to play in the way you describe too and we value education and he's state educated.

Heated · 13/12/2008 18:28

An easy mark - taken advantage of.

A bit of street smarts, even gained from attending the scouts, is a good thing for a teenage lad ime.

TheButterflyEffect · 13/12/2008 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 13/12/2008 18:43

ging gang gooly to you vt!
whatever you do dont let him go to the church disco!

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 18:45

This is the problem of not gradually allowing freedom. I refuse to believe that they are all like that-they simply wouldn't go to Scouts (it isn't an organisation that gives street cred!) My DSs come across all sorts, but they choose like minded DCs to be friendly with-they have had freedom to work it out for themselves.

TwoCuteFestiveFairys · 13/12/2008 18:53

Jeezzz, this has to be a wind up!!

So some of the boy swear!!! hello!! they are 13 thats what teenage lads do!!

YABU - Its a big bad world out there, let him explore and learn for himself, you cant have him seeing through rose tinted glasses for the rest of his life..................can you

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 19:11

I think it is probably a troll.
If they mix they can work it out for themselves. In the local paper it said that the buglary rate had gone right down because a local teenager had been locked up, but couldn't be named for legal reasons. This morning my neighbour told me who it was;it was a boy my DSs were with at primary school. When she told her DS he gave a very blunt opinion on the boy in question-I won't repeat it because it was very derogatory and someone would most likely take offence. I told my DSs over lunch and their response was exactly the same! Give them freedom and they are not stupid-if you need to guard them, you really have got problems by the age of 13yrs!

Olifin · 13/12/2008 20:12

It's nice that your DS is able to go out to the cinema/ bowling/ice-skating but not all young people (or their parents) have access to enough money to do these sort of activities on a regular basis so their socialising opportunities are more limited.

Understandably, when children reach 13 or so, they want to spend time with their friends but not always with adults around, hence they might end up sitting in a park/on a bench/walking about...as long as they're not upsetting anyone and still respecting their parents' curfew, I can't see the problem.

Obviously, you wouldn't want your DC wandering the streets all the time with kids you don't really know, so why not make an effort to get to know some of the friends by inviting them round. If you're seriously worried about some of the others he mixes with, I really think the best thing you can do is be honest and explain to your son why you have reservations about said youth and let your son make up his own mind. You can't isolate him from riff-raff all his life; he might be forced to mix with them at University/in his working life so just trust in his ability to make the right decisions about friendships.

roundcornvirgin · 13/12/2008 20:17

where's the 'My child touched a working class child' thread when you need it.

Helium · 13/12/2008 20:36

I think you have to start treating your son with a bit of respect that he will soon be an adult - how about speaking to him directly about your worries about the new crowd?
Probably naive to think his school friends are choir boys... and what will you do when he goes to Uni...??!!
I feel for you - I can imagine this being me when my boy is older!! But we have to trust them to make their own (hopefully correct) decisions.
Good luck - I would say not to pull him out.

poinsettydog · 13/12/2008 20:45

Does it really matter to you if anyone else thinks you are being unreasonable?

You sound sure of the life you want to create for your ds. Do what you want.

DoubleBluff · 13/12/2008 20:50

ow do you know the scouts taught him swear words?
Maybe it was someone at his poshschool?
Posh peopel swear too don't thye?

Amapoleon · 13/12/2008 20:57

Hehehehe kids that go to Scouts are real hooligans!

stillenacht · 13/12/2008 21:03

makes me laugh - at my youth orchestra full of kids from independent schools (top ones in country) (again people would think this is a haven for geeks/nerds) at age 15 my friend got a tutor aged 31 pregnant, another tutor was enjoying private time with other members of the orchestra - there was drink, drugs and loads of under age sex.

lol!

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 21:07

I wonder if OP has ever listened to the conversation of those at a 'posh' school without an adult around? I passed 3 of them (male about 15yrs, and I know which school they attend) yesterday when posting a letter-there were a lot of swear words, and they certainly weren't being respectful about a woman they were discussing!

stillenacht · 13/12/2008 21:10

My recollections from when i was at independent school was that the boys were hideously rude, swore all the time for effect and in fact was only when i started hanging around with state school kids (DH went to a 'sink' comp) i realised that not all boys were arrogant and conceited twats

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 21:39

If they were all terribly polite and didn't hang around drinking, the residents and police in Rock, Cornwall wouldn't have a problem with noise, drink, drugs, vomiting etc once the GCSEs were over and the public school pupils descend on them!

piscesmoon · 13/12/2008 21:41

Probably OP would prefer him to be at Scout camp, sailing etc with the riff raff! At least they are under adult supervison, unlike Rock.

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