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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my DH to WANT to be with his family at the weekend?!

17 replies

Chandon · 10/12/2008 19:40

My DH works long hours and is home after the DC are in bed. He likes his job (mostly) and it enables us to live in a nice place, so really it´s not such a bad thing, him coming home a bit late.

However, I am a SAHM of two boys (3 and 5) and subsequently spend a lot of time on my own with them. He only gets to see them at Weekends really.

Now DH is crazy about rugby, and wants to go to training every weekend, and now wants to play tournaments as well.

The problem I have with this is:
1.) he never ever plans a fun activity with us as afamily, he just seems to want to play rugby and be with his mates at the WE
2.) I am a bit hurt by the fact that it feels as if he doesn´t want to be with us.
3.) We have only just moved here, I do not know many people, and my family live in another country (I am foreign) so it´s not as if I could go and visit my mum or sisters while he is away.
3.) Basically, after being with the DCs all week, I also spend most of the WE with them, alone. Again.

This bugs me and I am upset about it. He says a man is entiteled to his hobbies.

I just wish he WANTED to be with us, it feels as a snub... I think once the children are bigger, and once we know more people, have a car (so I can take them somewhere, we live in a remote place, not many buses) I may feel happier about it, but for now it really upsets me.

AIBU???

OP posts:

TinselianAstra · 10/12/2008 19:44

YANBU

Why would he have children if he didn't want to see them?

And aren't you entitled to hobbies as well? Where does that get accounted for?

HaventSleptForAYear · 10/12/2008 19:44

I would negotiate to do something yourself on the weekend - then you'll feel less resentful.

Original poster

Chandon · 10/12/2008 19:47

Well, I have "time to myself" when DS 1 is at school, and DS2 at playgroup (although normally I end up doing shopping, cleaning, tidying, making costumes for the christmas play etc. All the "invisible" work that goes into being a mum, but that´´s another thread)

If he is out all Saturday, he says I could do something on SUnday. But then we would never spend any time as a family, and that bothers me.

Still, I might do that, just to get a point across...

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 10/12/2008 19:48

'A man is entitled to his bobbies'. Is he livjng in the 1940s?

There has t be a compromise. He should be spending some time with his boys at the weekend if he wants to develop a good relationship with them as they grow up - and he should be spending some time with you if he wants to still be happily married in years to come.

Time for a serious talk?

MrsMattie · 10/12/2008 19:48

hobbies!

snoringnightmare · 10/12/2008 19:49

No YANBU. Although when they have the Rugby Bug there is nothing you can do to stop it ime.

MrsMattie · 10/12/2008 19:53

But he can compromise, no? My Dh goes to football most Saturdays, but that means that:

a) Saturday morning, before he goes, he takes DS out somewhere - park, swimming or summat

b) Sunday is generally reserved as family time. I's not set in stone, but generally, if DH has footie on Sat he is free on Sun and will do DIY/housework, or we'll do something together as a family, or he will have DS while I do something nice for myself etc...

Original poster

Chandon · 10/12/2008 19:56

I do need hobbies...

I guess I just wish DH would make plans to take the boys to the zoo, the science museum, or teach them to ride a bike or even just go and play some footbal. I don´´t know. Instead of trying to be somewhere else...

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 10/12/2008 19:56

YANBU

I would be Royally pissed off with that attitude

MrsMattie · 10/12/2008 20:08

It's sad that he doesn't want to do these things with his own sons. I would be sad, too.

StephanieByng · 10/12/2008 20:15

That's crap. A child is entitled to have a father who spends at least some time being a father. Sod your Dh's entitlements; when you choose to have a family your entitlements come 2nd.

i really can't abide men like this. They should have the courage of their convictions and stay single if they want life that way.

I would not put up with it for a single weekend.

I do think as the children get past their early years there is more scope to introduce some of your own stuff again. Or if you're a dad who is home to bath and bed them every day....it's a balance. Or should be.

prettybutterfly · 10/12/2008 20:20

Yanbu.

How would he feel if you began gently by helping him to make some plans? You could think of a couple of things he could do and then get him to choose? Some things for all together one weekend, some things for him and the kids the next weekend.

Convo runs something like this (on a Thursday or Friday)...

You: Aw, the kids are so looking forward to having their Daddy home at the weekend! You have no idea how much they miss you. And me too! I was wondering if you'd like to

a) take them to XXX or YYY for some Daddy bonding time. I could do with an hour to hoover.

b) come with us to AAA or BBB. It wouldn't be any fun without you.

(My dh sometimes puts up a fight, or tries to make me back down by being a bit pathetic and exhausted, but I am very heartless. I advise firmness!)

Also, do arrange something for yourself. A haircut. Church. An hour in the library. Whatever makes you happy.

Doesn't really matter how you got into this pickle anymore, so don't waste time worrying about it - you can take a bit of control now and solve all these problems and one day dh will thank you! (In years to come, when he has children and a wife who still like him!)

xxPB

prettybutterfly · 10/12/2008 20:23

btw, I'm a sahm with two sons too, and they are about the same ages as yours. My dh is a very busy academic and often marks essays or writes all weekend. But he DOES make it home every day to do bedtime and stories, which he LOVES. There's got to be a balance, for everyone's sake.

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 10/12/2008 20:23

YANBU. Is it possible to come for a compromise i.e. he trains for 2 hours each weekend, but only takes part in tournaments once a month. If something can be agreed then it is important that you do take some time for yourself, yes I know it means that you are reducing family time but you are also making a statement about how you also exist as an individual and giving your DH the opportunity to spend time on his own with his DCs.

Ivykaty44 · 10/12/2008 20:29

Do either of you have a car? Can you drive?

Could you take him to the rugby in the car and then go off and do something with your dc? Make sure you and the dc are getting a life - even if he doesn't want to be part of it. I would get on with being a mum, yes it is sad that your dh doesn't want to join in with family life, but perhpas he will see that he is the one missing out

How old is your dh?

Original poster

Chandon · 10/12/2008 20:35

Hello, My DH is 31.

We do not have a car, I think that makes me feel a bit more "stuck", as we live in a village. I just failed my driving test last month (my foreign license is not valid here)

Pretty butterfly, I like your approach, very good idea (I do not really want an argument about this, but still make my point).

I think this Sunday I will not be there waiting for him, but we will have gone out to do something fun.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/12/2008 20:41

YANBU really cos his attitude stinks. My DH works long hours too (will completely miss seeing DS1 on his 5th birthdya tomorrow - ) but he is very mindful to spend lots of time with them at the weekend (he has to - I work on Sundays and he looks after them LOL!) Because I work on a Sunday, he also understands that Saturday is strictly family time for about 80% of the time. He occasionally goes to a football match but I don't begrudge him the occasional game as I do recognise that he needs to let his hair down sometimes on his own (even though I balk at the cost of the ticket and the fact that it means hours out of the house)

To be honest, if he managed to get hold of a season ticket I wouldn't be happy. We would hardly spend ANY time as a family if he were at the game most Saturdays (but only because I work on Sundays). Is it only 1 day of the weekend that your DH does his rugby thing? It's probably a bit annoying, but if you've got the other day with him every weekend then it's probably a good compromise. Or is it the fact that going to tournaments would mean an overnight stay somewhere on a Saturday and travelling back on Sunday (ie. whole weekend would be taken over by it?)

As your boys get older, would it be possible for you all to actually attend his matches? Could be a way round it maybe? Unless he is going to be of the attitude that after the game he wants to be with his rugby pals and doing daft drinking sessions rather than spending time with you 3?

If he's not been around the boys much because of work it's entirely possible that he has not bonded so closely to them as you might expect. It was only when I started working on Sunday when my youngest was 1 that my DH REALLY started to get interested in the younger one and know his routine, simply because he was the main carer that day etc. It's a vicious circle though, isn't it - until he spends more time with them he won't know what he's missing.

Hope you sort something out whereby everyone is happy (ish) - he has to make SOME compromises though. He should especially recognise your feelings regarding being away from your own family and frinds and new to the (remote) area etc. Have you actually told him how you feel - in this much detail?

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