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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to go to my best friend's birthday

46 replies

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:16

Ok, my best friend turned 30 this Monday, on the 8th. But she is away now and wil be back next week and this when we were supposed to celebrate the birthday.
The only problem, my friend never does anything for the birthday party. Last year she served me a piece of a cake that she bought 2 days before the birthday and a cup of tea. Normally she would buy some cheap wine and olives coz she looooves them. She might to put some cheese as well, but not necceseraly
This year I told her that she should do something for the guests, not just some leftovers from the dinner.
She said that she will not cook for the guests coz in her idea it is not what she wants to do for the guests. She said, if I want some food I should bring some with me.
I said in this case I will not go.

I do undertsand when it is a regular birthday but this is her 30th and she is looking forward to the party yet will not make one. or and she doesn't want to go out either.
AIBU for refusing to go?

OP posts:

mysterymoniker · 10/12/2008 17:39

well don't bloody go then

I AM TOO TIRED FOR THIS CAN YOU TELL

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:40

She is my best friend. But surely I will not go.
I just wanted to know whether I made a right choice.
Well, opinions don't match

OP posts:

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 10/12/2008 17:40

So don't cook. Does she have a gun? Grow a pair, say no. If she gets arsey - leave. You talk like you have no choices here - you do, but if you are not assertive enough, that's not her fault, it's yours. She can't make you do anything.

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:42

well, you know everytime at the end I feel sorry for her.

OP posts:

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 10/12/2008 17:46

then that's your problem, isn't it? And I'm not saying that to be mean! If you don't want to cook, don't cook. Don't do it and then resent her for a year for it!

And in what way is she your best mate? You sound like you despise her.

I think you not going is a good idea. no point spending time with her and resenting it because you feel she's not doing things right.

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:46

Actually she was talking about this party for long time. She planned a huge one
But now she is on Holiday, relaxing. And her reason for not throwing a party is coz she is relaxed and she wants to stay relaxed. She said she got very lazy and she doesn't want to change that. She has been on hols for three weeks now. She accused me of not coming to the place where she is staying now. But I said, darling, tickets are expensive and if for yours one your Union paid I have to buy mine myself. She got upset about that.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 10/12/2008 17:48

if she invited you for a birthday dinner and just served olives and wine then you'd be right to be upset.

if she invites some friends over, and has wine and olives out because she likes them and it gives ppl something to nibble on then that is fine!

i don't get it. why on earth would you expect her to cater for everyone if she doesn't want to?
why not just eat before you go
?

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:49

No she is my best friend.
We have been friends since 17. had a lot together. We are like sisters.

OP posts:

dingdongmerrilyonpie · 10/12/2008 17:50

YABU - just eat befor you go.

thisisyesterday · 10/12/2008 17:51

i think you just have to accept that her idea of a good time is having some friends over, some wine to drink and a few nibbles.
not a sit down dinner. not cooking, even pizza. just relaxing with friends.

eat before you go, then enjoy ytourself. it isn't worth falling out over surely?

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:51

Yeserday-finally. Yes, at the begging she was talking about a birthday dinner, at home. With her friends and relatives.
And now she says coz she got lazy during her 3 weeks at spa resort she got lazy, so she changed her mind

OP posts:

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 17:53

oh and about relaxing with a friends with some wine and nibbles.
We do it very often. Just a usual gathering of girls on a ususal day.
And on birthdays we have little parties. And she is alwyas the one to fall out when it comes to her.

OP posts:

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/12/2008 18:01

This thread is very funny.

I have a solution. Stay at home, have a pizza of your choice, buy an expensive bottle of wine and nibbles. Do your hair and make up, have cardboard cutouts of your friends dotted around the place and play some music.
When you are drunk you can dance round your handbag (and cardboard cutouts) to abba.

Your friend meanwhile, can have a cup of tea and some cake that is shop bought and maybe some olives.
That way you both get the party you want.

Then when it is over you can get back to your sisterly relationship. Because it sounds wonderful.

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 18:03

Well obviously different opinions .

OP posts:

Gorionine · 10/12/2008 18:05

Mabe she has money trouble and cannot afford to provide a lot of food or she is a very bad cook and does not want anyone to know? In any case, when it is your birthday and You do not feel like cooking or you want to cook something specific and she gives you advices just tell her kindly this time it is your party, your choice. If you both start to respect each other choices, it will be much nicer all round!

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 18:15

well sure she has money to be three weeks at spa resort. Not judging.
She said it herself, that she will not do a party coz she is lazy. And to be honest whe I said to her I will not come she didn't sound upset.
Honestly it is not about a lot of food. It is not about the food at al. It is about every year she finds an exuse for doing nothing.
She cannot be bothered to pick her bum from the sofa to put pizza in.
I go to visit her a lot. Everytime I end up doing tea for me myself. isn't she a hostess in her house. I never go without invitation, no. but if you invite people do something for them.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 10/12/2008 18:19

i do get what you are saying ukrainianmum

i mean, if I invited people over I would offer them stuff.
and yes, I do think it is polite to make sure guests are comfortable and fed and watered.. that's just how I was brought up.

BUT, i also think you have to accept that this isn't how your friend is. she has said she doesn't want to bother cooking, you can't change that.
you can eityher accept it, and remember to eat before you go. or not go.

but you can't change her

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 18:26

tYesterday-thank you for understanding.
I decided not to go. After all, her birthday already passed.

OP posts:

earlyriser · 10/12/2008 18:26

Perhaps there are some cultural differences here, if you are ukranian. I wouldn't invite people to my house and not offer them tea and a bic, because that is how i have been brought up. It would take no effort to open a few bags of crisps for guests. I think the op probably feels like there is a lack of hospitality (and therefore maybe manners) from her friend. I can see where the op is coming from but if it was a good friend i'd just go, and bring a bumper bag of pretzels, or not so good friend just not bother. Each to their own.

earlyriser · 10/12/2008 18:27

cross posts thisisyesterday!

Original poster

ukrainianmum · 10/12/2008 18:32

Earlyriser-yes, it is in our culture to greet guests with respect.And yes, manners.
I wouldn't allow even to my bestest best friend to go thru cupbords to make a tea. It is not nice.
Of course, I can eat before. but if she chose not to respect why should I be bothered about going.
I will go some other day but not for her birthday.
She wants it casual, then we just find time to see each other on other day to talk about heer hols and all the news.

OP posts:

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