To want prior knowledge of IL's visiting plans this Christmas...

[RhinestoneReindeerHerder]

We're staying at home for Christmas as DC2 is due on 21 December. I have asked DH several times to check with his parents (separated) when/whether they plan to come and visit after the baby is born. They are both about 4-5 hrs drive away and neither will be able to stay with us as we have no spare room (bar sleeping on the living room floor).

I'm getting late pg anxiety and just want to be ready and prepared and all that stuff. Last time MIL came when DS was 4 days old and stayed for hours. I was really stressed out, felt I had to provide meals, no offers of help, and DS wasn't feeding well. The day after her visit we ended up back in hospital

So AIBU to want to know roughly when they are planning to visit? (so that I can fret about it, natch...)

YANBU - it's really not that far away and there is no reason they can't tell you what their plans are.

It's a bit difficult when they live so far away - will they need to stay over in your house? If so, either they or DH will need to sort out meals/cups of tea etc. as you won't be wanting to do this.

Is this your first baby? If you are bf, you are likely to be feeling a bit self-conscious at first, and it takes a while to get used to bf in any case.

You really need to be firm with DH about the arrangements

Do they really need to visit this Christmas when you've got so much on already?

jingle - this is 2nd baby, we have DS who is 2.5. There is no way that they could stay in any case, would have to be B&B.

Winky - well I'm assuming that they have the wit not to come at Christmas, but not knowing is fretting me a bit.

I would stop trying to control things that you can't; instead, make it crystal clear to DH that when they visit HE is in charge of taking care of them, letting them know when you're too tired and have had enough etc etc. He must also state at every opportunity what a trouper you are, what an amazing mum etc so that you do not sit there worrying that his parents are wondering why you're sitting and letting him get on with it.

His parents, his responsibility!

I think you really need to take control of this situation and maybe speak to PILs direect explaining how you feel and what you will be expecting from them. You probably cannot make any firm arrangements unless they are prepared to "muck in" if baby decides to put in an appearance if they are visiting etc.

FWIW, I had a friend who gave birth in the early hours of Christmas day and was back home for lunch

I guess it depends too on how long you're going to be in hospital. If more than a day, then it would probably be easiest for you if they visited you in hosp and then left it a couple of weeks. I did this and found it ok.

Well, we're planning another homebirth - not sure if I like the sound of in-laws 'mucking in' at that point

I have been drip feeding DH for the past 6 months about how I'm planning to stay in pjs and do no cooking for the first week (something I wasn't v good at last time)

And that's one of the only downsides of homebirth imo - no visiting hours!

Personally, I'd phone them and say "what a pity we won't be able to see you over Christmas this year, shall we arrange a date for you to visit in February? The baby will probably be able to smile at you by then!"

well if you're planning a homebirth then even more so is your DH your protector and gatekeeper. Over to him I say.

No doubt both PILs are keen to visit your DS over Christmas? Why not ring them both up to schedule in the 2 separate visits and then pass the organisation of meals etc over to DH? Meanwhile if baby arrives over Christmas I'm sure both PILs will understand their visits being postponed until the New Year. Best of Luck.

fruitful - I like your style!

littlelyn - usually we go up to visit them at some point over the Christmas period, as all DH's large extended family tends to converge on his Nana's house for get together.

I'm going to have to badger DH again aren't I... He's a lovely man, but he and his family are rubbish about making firm arrangements. And I am obviously an uptight control freak in comparison...

Couldn't you just say that since you don't know exactly when dc2 is going to arrive, that you will make arrangements for them to visit after dc2 arrives. That way you know they won't be there when dc arrives and can arrange it so that you have a few days/weeks/months to get settled before they visit.

rhinestone I definitely don't think you sound like a control freak. I was eager to get the visiting after birth sorted, and that was without xmas to contend with.

My DH's family are equally non-committal when it comes to arrangements and it does my head in - e.g. phoning in the afternoon to say they'll be arriving for dinner!

Given that you usually go to their's at xmas, and you probably won't have time to do a proper shop for food etc., it would be perfectly reasonable for you to postpone any visits until the new year IMO

If you want to pin them down to unmovable dates and times then you are being unreasonable. Your baby is due on the 21st - no guarantee he/she will arrive on that day. So no one can make firm plans around that. Plus they won't be staying in your house.

Not sure what the answer is though. Perhaps you could have a plan between you and DH that in the event of dc2 arriving and you feeling overwhelmed/unwell you will have visitors for an hour or so, at which point DH takes said visitors and dc1 out for a meal/walk/park/whatever and you retreat upstairs. However much of a pain it is they are the grandparents and imo have a right to see their son, grandson and new baby (I know thats not a view widely held on mn though) especially as you say they live a considerable distance away and can't just 'pop round'. Personally I find a bit of flexibility does wonders for familial harmony

Thanks for your posts, has helped me feel a bit clearer about this. I've been mulling it over for a while and think I just need to relax a bit. Whilst I would like to know what their rough plans are (e.g. - whether they'd like to come a day, a week, a month after the baby is born), I don't think this is the way they work, so I should just stop worrying about it. I'm just going to get on with preparing as much as I can for our little family Christmas (and stocking up with hot water and towels for the homebirth ), and trust DH to sort stuff out when the ILs arrive.

Pheebe - I really want my children to have a good relationship with all their grandparents and I think your post makes a lot of sense. DS loves to see his Nana and his Grandad (DH's parents) and they are always welcome to visit. I leave arrangements for visiting them up to DH so we go up about twice a year normally. They are not a family who phone each other often and I feel a bit reticent to start trying to facilitate DH's relationship with his parents. I think my judgement is a bit coloured by MIL's first visit to her new grandson, as the baby blues were kicking in and I spent most of the time bawling my eyes out. I hadn't expected to feel that emotionally raw! I hope I'll have more confidence this time to just be able to let them know if I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. I'd really like them to make a big fuss of DS too, as he is looking forward to seeing them.

So... after waffly monster post, I'm off to swig some raspberry leaf tea and bounce on my ball.