to expect family not to dump you if you make an innocent mistake

[alfiemama]

Bit of a long story Im afraid. (please dont flame me as Ive never asked a yanbu/yabu question

Mil and fil divorced years ago, and have never really got on, fil is great and is not bothered if he sees mil, but mil has said she will not be in the same room as him, if we invite them anywhere she never comes.

Now it was ds birthday we had had a few family issues and decided at last min to go out for a meal for ds, I invited everyone by sending one text to everyone (yes daft I now realise), but realised I had invited mil and fil, so I rang her up and said oops sorry invited you to ds's bday party by mistake and to ignore it. And that was that. Or so I thought.

On the day of the party, my sil went up to dh and said mil was upset that no one had invited her. I know 100% not correct as per the phone conversation but also got (and kept a text from her)

dh rang her up when we got home and said, remember we rang you and said we didnt want to put you in an awkward position and as you never come thought you would understand.

She tore my dh to pieces and admit made him cry, so I rang her and sil answered and I chatted to her for a while.

Now things have gone bad to worse with mil, she stopped texting me and ringing me, and only made contact with dh (we used to be close)

In the mean time though we have been having a tough time with other ds, who has suspected aspergers/dyspraxia and keeps falling, so we have been stressed to high heaven, yet mil still carried on, she hadnt seen the children for months and when ds ended up in A & E, she came to see him, with my sil's, she virtually ignored me, so dh was funny with her.

Anyway there has been a massive family row and now know one is speaking. She said she didnt ignore me and I was brainwashing dh, yet in the same breath said that she couldnt be false with me and when I rang and spoke to sil, she had put me on loud speaker for everyone to hear,they said we should have invited her and not fil |(even though he comes anyway and isnt bothered about seeing her, she said I had said "Its my son's party and I will invite who I like" she said she didnt like my tone, but wouldnt you be cross if your dh was crying.

My friend said how anyone can do that to you at the mo with all the stress we are under with ds, as you can see the anguish in our face

Perhaps we did misjudge the situation and should have just invited her, but I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for her by not putting her in an awkward position.

Doesnt everyone make mistakes but surely your family and friends shouldnt just dump you, especially when you are going through a very stressful time, when you need them.

ps the same mil spoilt my sons first birthday party

it's hard, isn't it? My parents divorced and are very very bitter about eachother so it makes everything impossible. IMO, in future invite them both then let them sort it out, otherwise you would have been leaving one or the other out. If one decides then not to come, it's their decision.

Just dont know why she couldnt have said when I rang her, if she had intented on coming (which I would have shown me arse in burtons window if she had) why didnt she say, oh no I will come, she knew I was referring to ds party.

Its impossible Seamus, just cant win either way, but now they have kind of sent us to Coventry and we are dealing with all this with ds on our own (and mumsnet)

If someone rang up to defend my son, I would think god she really loves him!

To be honest Seamus, I cant see there being an "in te future", mil is very very stubborn

Hmmm - not wanting to flame, but maybe understand the situation a bit more.

So you invited MIL to party and then phoned to tell her you had "made a mistake" and she shouldn't come.

She was upset by this?

She stopped talking to you?

She came to the hospital but didn't talk to you?

DH took your side - (bless him as this seems to be a general complaint)

You then said " I can invite who I want to my son's party"

I'm really sorry and I know these things are a minefield. But this woman presumably loves her son, and her grandson and I think you could have been a bit more sensitive to the MIL/FIL situation.

I obviously don't know them, but FIL might just not give a f**k about anything. (Don't know details of their split either) MIL might be more upset.

You've actually been very a bit rude to her, and are now asking why she's not supporting you in your hour of need....

No crikey no, I rang her and said "But its ok I understand", I appreciate it must be hard for her, we have always had an understanding that she never comes, which we have come to realise that this is just the way it is. But she said she hadnt been invited, which she had

All of a sudden she stopped getting in touch with me, even though I have asked her are we ok and she said we are fine and I would know if she wasnt, but she has finally admitted that she isnt fine with me.

Like I said we all make mistakes, we all have off days, and know one is perfect, but I cannot seem to make amends with this, no matter how I try, and if she was around us more (this has been going on months) she would see how upset and concerned we are about ds.

"shown me arse in burtons' window" Can I nick that?

Yanbu either, but prob fault on both sides. Write her a letter or email maybe to make the peace?

she wanted me to not invite fil, so isnt that a bit hypocritical

I think I would write her a letter and get it all down.

send it recorded delivery so you know she gets it.

'Dear MIL

I am so sorry that I seem to have offended you as it was the last thing I would ever want to do. We seem to have our wires crossed on a couple of things which I would like to clarify......blah blah......

As you know, DH and I are very worried and stressed about ds atm and we think he might have (whatever) and tbh that is the only thing on our minds.

We really really dont want to fall out with you and we would love you to come to lunch/dinner on (whenever) so you can catch up with the children and we can all make amends.

We really love you and miss you.

Alfiemama

(How could she refuse this lovely apology and letter.....she will melt and all will be well. I do find if you say sorry that most things get better even if it is not your fault)

Dude you disinvited her from her own grandson's birthday party! That's incredibly rude, no wonder she's pissed off and it doesn't really come under an "innocent mistake"

Perhaps sending her the text was an innocent mistake, but only because you were planning to invite all of the family to the party except for her.

You owe her a massive, massive apology for taking sides in her issues with her ex husband.

By inviting him and not inviting her, that's what you did.

Seamus is right, the only fair approach is to invite both of them and let them sort it out themselves who comes. You took that decision away from her.

Can you imagine how you would feel in years to come if you and your DP split up because he had an affair and then because you found it hard to be around him you found yourself excluded from the life of your DSs and GCs?

Ouch

i wrote a message and it didn't go through. I'd also gsuggest the letter.

I think you were doing what you did with the best intnetions but looking at it from her point of vierw, it could be construed as insulting and hurtful. I'd write a letter explaining why she was 'uninvited' and that you did only mean to save her stress and hurt. It seems such a shame considering she wants to see her grandson and you need the support. I hpe you get it sorted.

sorry I cannot type on this keyboard!

No it wasnt like that at all, she hasnt come to things for about 4 years, we have discussed it on many a many occasion and I have told her its ok, I understand, she has told me point blank under no circumstances if he was going would she go. I have tried not to put her in an awkward situation, like I said I have prob misjudged it but really did have the best intentions. dh is upset as due to one silly mistake of crossed wires (which we have apologised prefusely for) she cant forgive us, not for that but for speaking to sil in a funny tone, even though dh sat there sobbing

There's a big difference between choosing not to go to something and not being invited.

Why didn't you say that you have invited both her and fil so you will understand if she doesn't want to attend rather than disinvite her. No wonder she was upset.

okay, I read this differently, and thought that you'd not invited her to begin with and had to apologise for forgetting.

So, I can sort of see why your MIL is cross, though to be fair, with the issues you are having with your other DS, she should just let it drop.

I would talk to her, go by yourself and talk to her. Explain the issue and that you understand she may be uncomfortable being around her ex (why did they split up?) but that you find it difficult where you feel you have to exclude somebody from family events due to people not being comfortable.

My DH's parents are separated, both remarried. The four of them dont really like one another that much, but they all just get on with it re weddings / birthdays etc, otherwise somebody misses out.

Unless FIL was extremely nasty/abusive to MIL when they were married or MIL has another problem that you haven't mentioned, then MIL is being rather self obsessed.

Either way, I'd try to mend things face to face, or use SIL as a go between. Hope your DS is OK - I would imagine that something is really bothering your MIL for her to be uncaring about your situation with DS.

Ok I can see why you all think that, put let me tell you about ds first birthday and all the ones since then, we have always tried to orgainse parties etc, mil always said she wouldnt come and would always arrange to come and see dchildren few days before and not come to the party, dh said once what about when your not there on their photos, and the children ask why is nana not there but she said they were too young to understand her not being there. The other relative used to always ask why she want there. very awkward, could you not put your feelings to one side for the sake of a childs birthday party.

Alfie - yes, I understand how you feel, and she (and fil) should be adult and put their differences aside.

But, you have to understand her point of view; it isn't that you have said there is a party and she can choose, you have uninvited her so that is where she's gotten her noise out of joint.

But alfiesmama all those birthdays are a totally separate issue.

I'm not saying she's not a nightmare to deal with, she does sound it. Do you know why her marriage broke up? There might be a reason why she is so bitter and touchy about it.

But this time, you were in the wrong. So just apologise for being so clumsy and tell her that it wasn't that you didn't want her there, but that you'd given up hoping that she'd ever be around for such occasions.

Then it's up to her - either she'll forgive you and move on, or she won't and there's not really anything you can do about it except to keep in inviting and keep expecting her not to show.

Hi Crokky, there was some history between fil and mil, ifykwim, which is why I understand and didnt want to put her in the position of saying she washing her hair (so to speak.

Like I have said I know I have huugely misjudged this situation, but it wasnt through me being uncaring, it was because I understood how difficult it was for her, I thought she would understand that I knew it was acceptable for her not to go, prob not explaining this correctly.

Sometimes I find life a bit hard with ds and find im stressed out and do things without really thinking them through, but doesnt all the times when I have been there 100% outway them.

I have apologised countless times, and she said she was fine. but obviously wasnt.

By the way I wish it was an HOUR of need.

Just dont want dh to fall out for good with mil

Would a compromise perhaps work in the future? Perhaps accept that you may not know the full story of their divorce. Speak to fil and mil separately and agree that you will invite them alternately, in turn, to future celebrations of any sort. At present it seems mil always misses out (possibly her own doing, possibly not) Of course fil may then be put out!

Skidoodle, I have apologised thats the problem. DH feels let down that she hasnt been there for us, says he not that bothered as not been close for a while she thinks he sides and with fil, but when she came to see the kids said it was a farce.

I know her nose is out of joint, but she knows me and knows I am not like that, she also knows what I have to deal with (I know everyone has probs) I just thought families pull together at horrible times, not hold a silly grudge

Yes, sadly you've clearly misjudged the situation and made a mistake. Eat as much humble pie as you need to but remember as you prostrate yourself that she really needs to grow up and get a grip. My parents had a bad divorce and my mum is still deeply hurt thirty five years on but she would not be so childish as to strop so much over child's birthday party. Nor would my dad.

Sadly, she's going to remain a twonk. I really can't be doing with adults behaving like toddlers. She should be able to put her children and grandchildren first for a few hours every six months or so, surely?