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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in wanting stuff back that I've lent out?

44 replies

babymt · 09/12/2008 11:31

Apologies if this has been done to death. Its something I'm sure occurs all the time so it probably has but I don't remember a thread about this recently.

I'm getting a bit sick of lending things out and getting them back dirty, damaged or in the latest case not at all. I don't think I'm being overly precious with my stuff (I've stopped lending out things that are special to me). I really don't mind if someone breaks something I've lent them as long as they apologise. Accidents happen.

SIL is forever giving me back things (clothes) dirty...as in unwashed. Stains I can live with coz kids get stains on things thats fine but not encrusted with food thats just gross. So I have to check through everything she gives me back and wash most of it before it goes into the loft.

Anyway thats not really the point. My problem at the moment is that I was friends with someone I used to work with 5 years ago. We weren't great friends just occasional friends who met up for lunch every now and then but when she got pregnant for the first time we became closer. I lent her maternity clothes, books, newborn bits and some baby equipment (most importantly my sterliser). She gave me some maternity clothes back damaged (ripped) and for some reason gave me back most of the newborn stuff before the baby was even born (assuming it wasn't good enough for her?) but kept a fab pregnancy book I had sent from america and my sterliser (steam Tommee Tippee one).

I last saw her in about March. A few weeks later I dropped my mobile on a radiator and it smashed to bits so I ended up losing all my numbers. I hadn't backed any up but got most back from dh's phone or just waiting for people to ring/text me and save it then. But nothing from her. A mutual acqaintence (sp?) saw her a few days ago and got her number for me. I texted and got no reply.

I'm so annoyed! I want my book and my steriliser back. To replace both new would cost £50 which I don't have. Ok I know I could ebay a 2nd hand sterliser but no way I could get the book since its american and weighs a ton. But thats not really the point. I shouldn't have to buy it again! She should just give me my bloody stuff back. I don't particularly want to ring her coz I've have to be all pally pally and I suspect the number she gave is a fake anyway. Do I just write it off?

Its not an issue of her breaking friendship/contact. I didn't particularly enjoy the friendship anyway. Shes not a very nice person and always put me down and made me feel totally crap about myself. So from that point of view its a bonus shes f'd off.

Oh and I can't ring her landline as she doesn't have one. Shes still on maternity leave so no email access afaik no computer at home. Her dp has moved jobs so not at email address I've got for him. So my only choice is to ring mobile no she gave me (assuming not a fake) or write a letter. Could shove it in xmas card? Once again don't particularly want to encourage reunion of friendship (I don't want to sound a bitch here re this but this persons really not very nice...info if you want it but wasn't sure it was relevent?)

Oh and she might have more of my stuff like more newborn stuff but I'm not sure and tbh I don't really care about that. I'm 20 weeks pregnant with no3 child so I do need these things back. Book most upsetting as it was a week by week guide with pics etc which my 4yo would love as shes so excited about the baby.

So, sorry its so long, but AIBU to want these 2 things back?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 09/12/2008 11:33

Oh I dunno. Don't lend - give. I only "lend" things I am prepared never to see again. Don't think you can push this one any further tbh

UnquietDad · 09/12/2008 11:35

We have friends who always lose books and videos that they borrow. It's a lost cause.

rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 09/12/2008 11:36

YANBU but i think you may have to let it go

TBH, only lend things if you are prepared to get them back in less then pristine condition or give things to keep

poshwellies · 09/12/2008 11:38

I'm the same as Quattro,we never lend out as you will never see it returned (not with our friends and families anyway)-just give and then you don't have this problem.

NewKnickersFromSantaOnMaHead · 09/12/2008 11:39

If you didnt enjoy the friendship then why 'lend' her things?

McDreamy · 09/12/2008 11:39

I'm the same, I only give, never lend - particularly to family!!!

TotalChaos · 09/12/2008 11:43

agree with the others - as it suits you to not be in contact with her, and you seem to actively dread the possibility of rekindling the friendship I would just leave it.

PingpingsatonSantasface · 09/12/2008 11:44

What NewknickersFromSantaonMahead said.

I don't understand why you would lend things to someone you don't really give a toss about.

MrsSeanBean · 09/12/2008 11:44

This is a very annoying situation for you. at dumb 'friend'.

I would have been tempted not to lend, given her low friendship status. However... hindsight's a wonderful thing and all that.

Could you not text to say you're sorry but you really need the book back and that you'll call by and collect it when you drop off the card as you'll be in the area anyway? (Assuming she lives fairly close to you.)

ginnny · 09/12/2008 12:02

YANBU - Why would you have to be 'pally pally' if you call her? If you don't want to continue the friendship anyway just ask for the stuff back.
If it is a fake number, you have to let it go, but learn from it and never give away lend anything again.

babyloveschristmas · 09/12/2008 12:16

Agree don't lend - only give - that way you don't expect to get it back. YANBU but I think you are being too nice!

MadMarg · 09/12/2008 12:20

Agree with the others - don't lend. If you don't want to give, then just keep the items.

I had pregnant friends and didn't hand over things because I knew we were planning another child and wanted to keep them for myself. Maybe they thought I was being selfish, but rather that then a ruined friendship over 'lent' items going astray!

I also refused to accept some 'loan' items from my sister - I told her if there were things she wanted back, then to keep them because I couldn't be bothered with the guilt feelings if any of it got damaged - or of keeping track of gifts/loans.

BONKERZ · 09/12/2008 12:22

i have the same problem with my SIL, I have been giving her all DDs clothes for the last year when DD has out grown them, when i handed them over i said that she could pass them back when finished so i could reuse. Have just found out she has been selling on ebay for a fortune and has not even got DD anything in return or offered me half money nothing!

PerkinWarbeck · 09/12/2008 12:27

YANBU

My DSIS offered to lend me baby things. I explained that I didn't want a loan, as I was worried that I would a) get them covered in crap, and b) have to store them in my miniscule flat whilst waiting for her to collect them. She gave me some things, and kept those she wanted to be careful with.

babymt · 09/12/2008 16:48

Ok thanks for the advice. I can see that you are probably all right. I've now learnt my lesson and won't lend out things unless I'm happy to not receive them back. I feel a bit pathetic in being precious about a book and a steriliser.

Found a tenner in a carpark today so will take that as a sign to buy a new preg book and write off old one.

BONKERZ - OMG re your SIL selling the stuff. I would be absolutely livid if someone had done this to me. Its totally unreasonable. Tell her you want the money for your items that she sold. You could go through her history on her feedback score and add it all up in a spreadsheet or something.

OP posts:
prettybutterfly · 09/12/2008 16:56

Can you get your mutual acquaintance to as k specificaly for the things? Not sure I would let it go so easily with important things like this, though I would try not to get cross.

Why does mutual acquaintance not have the right number herself? How do 'they' get in touch?

BouncingTinsel · 09/12/2008 17:00

I agree don't lend things out unless you don't want them back or only lend to those you trust. I've given a few baby things to DH's cousin which I know I won't get back but that's fine. But I refused to let her have my baby bouncer - she lives with her parents and her dad is a heavy smoker who will not refrain from smoking around the baby and frankly I don't want it back stinking of smoke. Instead I will lend it to my close friend who is expecting as I know she will take care of it until I need back for my next one!

prettybutterfly · 09/12/2008 18:16

Books are he worst. I had a book come back a year late and covered in jam and egg stains. Fuming would be an understatement ...

CrackopentheBaileys · 09/12/2008 19:25

babymt I lost a tenner in the car park today, can I have it back please?

dsrplus8 · 10/12/2008 00:53

i did that with a teutiona 3 wheel pram,got it from germany had lights ,handbreak, footbreak,bag, cosytoes that were fleece lined, bloody thing cost about £700. loved that pram, gave a friends daughter a loan of it supposedly for a few weeks until she bought a pram for her newborn.bumped into her in town few weeks later, she had her baby in a basic buggy. i asked her where the tetuonia was, she told me it was in the house, found out later she sold it. bugger all i could do about it as id handed it over....be very careful about what you lend out cause chances are you wont ever see it again.

babymt · 10/12/2008 09:38

Baileys - no...finders keepers! If it makes you feel better I was having such a shitty day that finding a tenner made my life slightly less shit for all of 5 mins ;)

drplus8 - OMG re selling pram. I would be damn right furious about that! I just cannot believe people are so cheeky! Having said that I've got a friend who wants to sell a birth pool that was given to her and givee asked to pass it on.

prettybutterfly - "mutual acquaintence" is basically someone that I'm friends with but stealer lender hates with a passion. So no theres no contact there. Also why I think numbers fake because she'd not want said friend to have her phone number as shes precious like that.

OP posts:
babymt · 10/12/2008 09:39

And why would a book have jam and egg on it?!?! What the hell were they eating!!!

OP posts:
Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/12/2008 09:46

um, eating jam and egg i expect.

plinkplinkfizzpops · 10/12/2008 09:54

Can I butt in and say I bought 'Your Pregnancy Bible' from Amazon (less than £15) and it has week by week photos which we really enjoyed looking at. Some other info as well but not very much in depth so worth it if you just wanted to look at the photos with your daughter. Would keep her away from some of the other photos though depending on how vivid her imagination is .

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 10/12/2008 10:02

do you live close enough to pop over to her house and say "I have come to get the things I lent you because I need them back now."?