DP is a hoarder!!

[Sweetie34]

Please tell me honestly if I ABU

I moved in with my partner (on his insistance)2 years ago when we found out we were having a baby. He lives close to both sets of Grandparents.

He had lived alone for 14 years before this and was very self-sufficent. He is a relatively clean and tidy chap, but he tends to HOARD things - rarely chucks things away. This includes newspapers, paperwork, his clothes, cutlery - just about EVERYTHING!

I have a flat which we decided to rent out. While pregnant I cleared my flat, got everything stored at my Ma's house and rented the property out. All while I had a big bump!

I assumed in the meantime that the boyf would be prearing HIS flat for the arrival of both me and the baby.

Well, he didn't. DD came one week early and while I was in hospital my Ma and his Ma tidied up his flat.

I felt guilty about asking him to get rid or sort out his stuff to make space for us, so I lived with it for a long while and bit my tongue when he continued to flood the flat with his stuff - papers on all surfaces, clothes that were way past their prime. And for some reason he owns about 10 holdalls which are scattered all over the bedroom floor.

I was so sick of the mess I have told him a few times to sort stuff out. This might work for an hour - he will be gung-ho until he gets bored! So I gave up. I shouildn't have to twell him, he is not a child!!!

I am now pregnant with our second and we need the space and some (more) oganisation!

This weeekend I spent my time tidying up his wardrobe and clearing the bedroom floor and organsiing his papers into bags. But, I refuse to do it all.

Friends (and his mother) have suggested I begin to throw stuff out - but I feel that would be disrespectful.

However, if I don't do anything - neither will he and our baby will be raised in STUFF. It drives me crazy. We even put off a holiday so he could get stuff done on the house ( I painted 3 rooms and he sorted out a cupboard!)

I think I feela bit guilty as it is HIS flat - but it has been nearly 3 years........

HELP!!!

give him a kick up the arse!!!

Eeek!
Well, yes, but ultimatums always sound disrespectful too.... there's surely a better way.

To be firm and determined but not angry.

No, it is not HIS flat. You are living together, it is BOTH of your's flat!!!!! But if you both view the flat as his, then the only way it's going to work is if you let his flat out as well, and go and find somewhere else to live that will be YOUR place from the start.

If he isn't sorting things willingly, then pull out a box worth of things at a time and give him a timelimit to go through it. One of those photocopy paper boxes, or archive boxes is small enough to keep it manageable for a night - and would probably take less than the hour that he can maintain his concentration for!

If he doesn't sort it out, think about either selling it through ebay if it is any good, or giving it away on freecycle.

My DH is like this, he would be smothered by all his stuff from Uni if I let it pile it. It stopped being 'his' flat the minute you moved it. Short of buying a bigger flat (a little radical), you need to get the binbags out doll. And then sit down and tell him he's moving out if he doesn't fill 10/ 12/ however-many bags you want chucked.

You can't bring a baby into a hovel.

My name is Klaw and I am a hoarder

I can't give any great advice but can sympathise to an extent. I look around at my crap hoards and wonder where to start. Every now and again I do manage to get some stuff sorted and it does feel good, but then life carries on it it all comes back.

He will know it's frustrating but it's just so hard to deal with it all. Getting angry will not help. I do think that having someone help makes a difference, and it IS like getting a child to tidy their toys, if you get involved and help them, they do it well.

My problem is I know which pile stuff tends to be in, and once I sort through and put away I can then never find the 'safe' place I put important things. It's mcuh easier for ME to find stuff but I know that dp won't have a clue.

So, as I understand this I'm sure that your dp will too, it's just really hard to get motivation. I know that there is also a clinical term for it, I saw an article recently.

and while I have piles of stuff everywhere I am thankful that I am nowhere near as bad as some on Kim and Aggie's....

Thanks for posting, it's upped my resolve to do some sorting, after all I need the space for the Christmas tree

agree with the comment that it's not just his flat, it is your family's home. he does need to start sorting through things - it sounds liek he hasn't quite realised the situation, even tho there are two children going to be living there. perhaps it is also an idea to look at a flat that will be home for all of you from the start?(((((())))

Dfs a hoarder and when i got pregnant this time i told him that if he didnt sort out all his crap before a certain date then he'd come home from work abut find i'd taken it all to the tip.

It worked

I used to be a hoarder before DS.

Nagging may well be the only answer.

If there are items he doesn't want to throw away, insist that they are stored somewhere else. As it's a flat I'm assuming there is no garden shed. Do you have a garage?

YANBU to want to bring your children up in a clean and tidy environment.

Thank You All for your comments/advice.

I like the idea of a bag at a time (with a deadline). That may work, and easy enough when he is sitting in front of the TV. I have tried something similar, but the 'temporary bags' are still there!

He was very chuffed with the work I did at the weekend and was very grateful and full of praise. I think he feels I do a better job at it than him!!! I think he does just need a little support!

It's good to hear that I am not crazy - and knowing this I will be a bit more forceful about it.

PS. We have no room for storage - except his Ma's shed! Any storage we did have was filled before I got there!!!

Of course he feels you do a better job than he does...simply because if you do it he won't have too.!!!
I have been married to my hoarder for 21 years now and I appreciate your position. I have at last count 8 computer monitors in the conservatory plus various computer bit and bobs that might "come in handy". We have old bills/paperwork from our 1st house which we moved from 20 years ago but can't be thrown away. Piles of computer magazines are stacked everywhere even though they are so old the information in them is probably obsolete. I could go on but it is depressing me just writing it down. I have tried the black bag approach but the only time it was successful was when we moved as he was already 300 miles away and couldn't go through them to see what I was chucking out!

MrNC hoards papers by default - problem is he's severely dyslexic and it takes him forever to figure out if something can be thrown out or not.
Fortunately sorting papers is a talent of mine so after promising I wouldn't throw out anything he really objected to, he lets me sort stuff next to him. Which means I can get through a box in 5 minutes, tell him that it's all insurance offers from 1999 or whatever, and he only need to read a couple sheets.

Having a recycling bag/Oxfam box/bin bag next to you as you go is vital, too.

FIL, however, is much worse, although slightly better after we got him access to electronic newspaper archives so he can throw them all away.

ocd ????? we hoard . cant throw things away...its too traumatic, honestly its like a comfort blanket,or armour- nice and protecting.sounds bonkers doesnt it!! can you not just chuck stuff bit by bit so he doesnt notice....ocd has many different forms, cleaning and contamination is the most known, but we also do other "odd" things i personaly keep buying the same thing over and over and over -bottles of shampoo, it doesnt matter ive already got loads, something clicks and ive got to get more... sounds like your dp has the same thing for holdalls.get him to docs for ads, help a lot.