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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get so upset that my 16 month old ds blantantly prefers my dh to me!

17 replies

pattymc · 07/12/2008 20:41

DH says it's just a phase but it's been going on for the last couple of months (really since he's been able to communicate!). ds constantly calls for daddy and runs up to him and holds arms out but rarely calls out for mummy and honestly I'm not imagining it, he just prefers my dh. has anyone else had experience of this and does it change - I know it sounds really self centred but it really worries me that he will grow up always preferring dh - god sorry I sound pathetic. I work 3 days a wweek so I only have 2 more days than dh with ds so I don't think it's just because of the novelty of seeing dh

OP posts:
kingfix · 07/12/2008 20:48

oh definitely. DD has gone through phases of preferring each of us, although to me it seems she prefers dh more often. |It's lvoely to see them togetehr, but a part of me thinks I must be doing something wrong as I thought all children preferred their mummies. I work 3 days a weeek too and dh thinks that's enough for daddy to seem the fun times parent and me to be the eat up your veggies one. I think it changes over the years and I remind myself how great it is for children to have a close relationship with their father and it gives me a chance to have a bath uninterrupted.

OlderNotWiser · 07/12/2008 20:49

Attachment does seem to come and go as I found with my DS1. It is really hard for the out of favour one though. But it will shift again at some point, some phases were longer than others I found, but eventually I did learn that he would come back to me. Now, with DS2 here as well, I positively love it when DS1 is into daddy more...it gives me a bit of a break!

But I do remember feeling bereft when I wasnt wanted (my perception of it!)so i do feel for you. However, try thinking of it differently, perhaps your ds is actually more secure in his relationship with you and therefore needs more reassurance/contact with dad at the mo, especially if you are around a bit more than dad is. I think that was the case for us at various points.

Original poster
pattymc · 07/12/2008 21:03

It's so true, I am really really grateful that ds and dh have such a great relationship and know that my feelings are quite selfish but you're right, it does feel like you are not wanted despite all efforts and as silly as it sounds, it makes me feel insecure sometimes in my abilities as a mum even though I know i'm doing an alright job. There are only 3 of us so I feel like the one left out. Perhaps it is because he feels so secure with me, well that's definitely a positive way to look at something I can't really do anything about.

OP posts:
Gorionine · 07/12/2008 21:09

I always thougt my Dcs prefered their dad to me, until he took them for an overnight stay at his brother's house and had to actually come back to get me there as well in the evening as they were unconsolable because I wasn't there. I realised then that for them it had always been such a given I was constently there that they did not need to look for my company, I was "just there" all the time. Needless to say that even though it cut short my evening on my own I was pretty pleased they had missed me so much!

mamakim · 07/12/2008 21:11

My 16 month old ds is exactly the same. He gets really upset at the weekend if my dh so much as goes out of sight at the supermarket. He doesn't care less where i go! I sometimes upsets me but i'm pregnant with dc2 and consider that it's probably a good thing that he's not totally attached to me iykwim.

tiredsville · 07/12/2008 21:13

My DH was my DC's fave for a few years. It made me feel like shit. At one point DS would only call me by my name and would refuse to call me mummy {he was a toddler at the time}.
Thankfully now the tables have turned and he is a complete mummy's boy.

OlderNotWiser · 07/12/2008 21:13

Trust me, if he doubted you he would be following you around like a lost lamb...you are clearly doing fine with him.

And its not selfish to feel how you feel, its a mums instinct to want to provide love and caring. At the moment, for a while, he needs to know his dad can offer those things too.

But as I said, when I was there it was totally horrible...I really was compeltely convinced for quite some time that DS1 didnt love me. Now, he is 3, and he is a gorgeous and loving little boy who clearly adores us both. Tho he still has days when mum is totally out of favour, or dad is the big bad wolf...but at least now it tends to pass quicker.

It will shift back, probably soon, try not to be too disheartened...

lalalonglegs · 07/12/2008 21:16

Happened with both my dd1 and ds1 at about the same age as your ds. Tbh, they were such clingy babies it was a blessed relief to let someone else take the full thrust of their attention. Dd2 is now 8mo and I am her one and only but know she will soon turn into a daddy's girl. Dh and I are now pretty much even in her older siblings' affections. I do think suddenly becoming fanatical about their daddy had something to do with spending more time with me.

Original poster
pattymc · 07/12/2008 21:17

we've just been away for a week and mum and dad looked after him so I thought he would be equally pleased to see us but he was definitely more attached to dp and has been since. ah well, I guess I must try to ignore it and be grateful he is independent and hope I'll be back in favour at some point!

OP posts:
Original poster
pattymc · 07/12/2008 21:23

thanks so much everyone, I knew I would get some great support from MN, spoke to dh about it a couple of times but he just pats my shoulder and says don't worry (then turns back to the footy!) IT's good to have some reassurance as the last thing I want is this to become an issue - it's taking me back to when I was about 10 and at school everyone went through that phase of arguing about whose best friends with who! it does leave you feeling a little insecure but i will just carry on doing what I'm doing and be glad he's a happy little boy (with or without me around!)

OP posts:
dirtygertiefromnumber30 · 07/12/2008 21:25

PFB? make the most of it! would rather dc's clinging to dh than to me!

thegreatescape · 07/12/2008 21:28

ds is 20 months old and a total daddy's boy. It can be a bit disheartening the way he never says mummy or shows much interest in me so i do know how you feel.

piscesmoon · 07/12/2008 21:32

Your DH is very sensible-it is a phase. Parenting is not a competition. I would expect that the more you get uptight about it the more your DS will do it. Just be pleased they have a good relationship and relax-your DS loves you.

Pregapuss · 07/12/2008 21:33

DD has always wanted me, until the last couple of days she has wanted DH a bit more and i have been so relieved to be honest. It will be less work on me and better for her once DC 2 arrives as she can go to Daddy when mummy is BF etc

Original poster
pattymc · 07/12/2008 22:07

I know and I do realise it's not a competition, in fact I'm quite embarassed I feel so strongly about it but yes you are right I should be grateful he isn't clingy and I am, I guess I'm just hoping it won't always be like this but I definitely don't want ds to be aware of how I feel as it's my problem and I don't let it become either ds or dh as they are both just fine

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 07/12/2008 22:18

It is probably a backhanded compliment patty, he feels secure enough in your love to take you for granted! Daddy just seems more exciting at the moment, it is quite likely to change.

OLIVIASMAMA · 07/12/2008 23:15

Our DD absolutely worships and adores her Daddy, I get the feeling I'm boring Mummy and he's great fun Daddy.

I don't mind a bit - I think it's lovely.

She always runs to me though if something's upset her.

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