to think that saying "Are you finished?" to a crying toddler is both pointless and rude?

[fedup1981]

My dp says "Are you finished?" when my ds cries or whinges. Ds is 16 months and doesn't whinge "for no reason" very much, mostly when his teeth are bothering him. Generally when he whinges it's because he wants something or because he's frustrated (he can't talk yet)

Dp also does this to me in argument, which I find really rude because I'm not the hysterical type, and he'll follow up a coherent and reasonable point I've made in the argument (delivered usually calmly, with no abusive language, which he doesn't like) with "Have you finished?" as if I was ranting at the top of my lungs. It's his way of getting the upper hand when I've said something he can't argue with.

He said it last night to me and I said it was really rude and dismissive of him, and I didn't like him saying it to ds, at which point he went off in an angry strop, saying how I thought I was perfect.

I don't think I'm perfect but ds is trying to make himself understood and I think "Have you finished"? to him when he cries for something is the same as saying "your needs aren't important to me" - Aibu?

No YANBU. Your DH likes to feel in control doesn't he? It is important that he stops, for your sake and especially your DS.

well i don't know. i do say it to dd1 when she is having a massive tantrum, but then she is 2y10m so it;s quite different. usually i just ask her if she's finished with her tantrum and ready to apologise. but i say in a kind, not angry tone.

tone is quite important i think- how does he say it?

Your DS is only 16 months old, what a mean way to speak to his child. Poor little thing acn't even speak.
Tell DP to buck up his ideas.

Maybe to a child of that age but I say it to my youngest who is 5. Sometimes it seems to be the only response.

YANBU. It is a dismissive thing to say and pretty much guaranteed to annoy.

Just reply to him 'Don't know, you tell me - has any of it actually sunk into your head? - Or do I need to repeat it several times before it gets through?'

Course he will probably stomp off in a strop after that too!!!!

He says it coldly, giving ds a stare. It makes ds cry more to be honest. I don't know why he can't just say "what's the matter?" and read him the story or make the drink or free the stuck toy or whatever. Pick your battles.

The trouble is I don't want to pick on his parenting too much because he didn't have a dad growing up and I know he feels a bit inadequate because I spend every moment of every day with ds and know his every move iyswim. So I guess it's "easier" for me to handle him.

But it's still rude though!

oh no, i say that to dd sometimes when she is moaning on, i say have you finished cos when you have we can do something else or you can tell me whats the matter.

I think it's a bit different with toddlers that can talk and explain what they want and are just tantruming/whinging for no real reason - to a baby that can't speak yet.

Think it's really rude for him to do it to you! I like MadMarg's response

By the way, I don't want to paint him as a bad dad, he isn't, he's always cuddling ds, being nice to him and ds ADORES him. I just think he can't handle him when he cries, and doesn't seem to realise he makes it worse sometimes.

Sorry trying to reply but getting books thrust at me

Well you know he should feel inadequate if his response to his 16m son is cold staring and saying unkind things.

I imagine he's worried about pandering to your ds's whims and spoiling him iyswim, maybe you need to explain that at this age in most circumstances you really don't need to be worried about that. Don't know if there is a good way of saying so without you looking like you are trying to correct him and making him feel bad though.

you are absolutely right and your dp is absolutely wrong. It is a pointless and mean thing to say to someone who can't articulate what they want. Your ds wouldn't understand the words wanyway, just the tone and the stare which must seem scary to him.

Maybe try and suggest to your dp he says "what's up" or "what's the matter" in a happier voice instead.. there is no point getting cross with a toddler who is tantrumming anyway.

i think its a perfectly reasonable response and i also think your all a bit arsey

Yes absolutely pointless, also unkind and rather ignorant. Sounds horrible.

teach him to shake his head and continue yelling at this phrase.

justaboutandthecarolsingers, that's a good point, actually. This is the first "parenting" issue we've had because we agree on most things regarding ds, but I don't know how you resolve issues like this without it degenerating into a big personal "you're shit and this is why" row!

Perhaps you could suggest alternative things to say to him/ways of distracting. I agree with laweaselmys, your DH is probably thinking he needs to react as though DS were much older.

Yeah I think we'll have a chat about it, he probably doesn't realise he's upsetting ds with his tone etc Thanks all.