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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am feeling bad but i don't think it is unreasonable

48 replies

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 10:25

I am trying to get some routine back into ds2's life after it has gone out the window snce dp was made redundant and he hates to hear him shout and cry.
ANYWAY
ds2 is so tired so i have put him in his travel cot in the living room with me. He drank his hot chocolate and now has thrown the bottle out of his cot and is standing up shouting at me while yawning. I am trying to ignore him as I know he is tired......should i get him out and let him play some more? he is not crying just shouting.
he is 14 months old

OP posts:

wannaBe · 05/12/2008 11:34

ok I've read the op of your other thread.

This isn't healthy.

You said yourself that there is no basis for the way you are feeling, so why can you not let go?

I suspect that you have some issues remaining from the birth where your baby was taken away from you and you were unable to be the most important person in his life for those 4 days before you got to hold him. Now you don't feel that you can be away from him as you feel you let him down when he was newborn?

You didn't. Sometimes babies need some extra help when they're born. It doesn't make you a failure or leave you needing to make it up to him in any way.

By refusing to allow him to go to anyone, even your dp, you are making him totally dependent on him, and teaching that he can never be away from you.

This is not going to do him any good.

You need to learn to let him go a bit, go for a walk and let dp look after him to start with, and gradually move away from having to have him there constantly.

If you feel you cannot do this alone, then perhaps you need to seek some counselling to help you come to terms with those days after his birth.

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 11:40

there is already a tv in the room he will eventually go in, as he is sharing with my other ds who is 10.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 05/12/2008 11:45

that doesn't make it right though.

Do you co-sleep? or is he in a cot in your room?

I would seriously start to think about putting him to sleep in his own bed, upstairs.

How long did you give it last time before you decided he couldn't sleep in another room?

You have asked on here whether it's ok that he's standing shouting - is he allowed to cry at all? I'm not talking controlled crying - more do you drop everything the instant he opens his lips?

I'm orry to be blunt, but there is no legitimate reason for you to need to keep him in sight of you at all times, and by doing so you are teaching him that he cannot fall asleep alone, ever.

And how does your dp feel about the fact you don't trust him to look after him?

thisisyesterday · 05/12/2008 11:57

that doesn't mean he has to have the television on.

anyway, if this is how you like it, that's fine.
but I do agree with the others that you are setting him up for big sleep problems in the future.

best to try and sort it nowi, while it's easier IMO.

but if you're happy like this then that's ok tyoo

nappyaddict · 05/12/2008 12:19

TLES - could you maybe read to him as he falls asleep instead of him falling asleep watching TV.

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 05/12/2008 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 12:42

Wannabe when dp was working nights we co-slept. then when he was made redundant ds2 slept in his cot with the side off and it pushed up next to my side of the bed so technically we still co-slept. Then when we moved he went into his own cot in my bedroom. he naps in his travel cot during the day and of an evening he falls asleep in his travel cot and then we take him to bed when we go.

OP posts:

MadMarg · 05/12/2008 12:42

Letting your child go to sleep with the TV on is a REALLY bad thing to always do. Children need to learn to go to sleep. It doesn't come naturally, they fight it. My DS would get so tired his eyes would roll in his head, yet he would still shake his head to wake himself up.

The reason he won't go to sleep if you're not there is because he's never had to!!! It will take more than a few sessions of going to sleep on his own to finally learn to do so.

To me it sounds like you need counselling. You have not got over the trauma at his birth. Your fears are going to cause your DS severe problems if you don't address them soon.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 05/12/2008 12:44

Others have put it far better than me...but it is about you and your issues. They will need to be tackled at somep point...I don't imagine that it will be easy, but imo sooner rather than later will be easier.

But I am a hard hearted bitch...boys were in their own rooms pretty early on. We've never had any issues and they are happy and well balanced.

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 12:45

ds1 was in his own room at 8 months in a normal single bed with no problems.

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ELMOchristmascountdown · 05/12/2008 13:03

i think you have to get a grip of this situation.

everyone is telling you the same thing. perhaps you should wonder if you should heed the advice

stop giving hot chocolate. or if you do insist on adding to their bottle, their is kiddy alternatives that are caffiene free.

no tv. as this is setting a pattern that you will find very hard to break. and in the long run this is creating a poor sleeping pattern also. what if he starts to require that he cant get back to sleep through the night without back ground noise or tv on. get up in the middle of the night and put tv on (my friend has a child like this. she must leave radio on all through the night or her dd wakes and cant settle )

you have to learn to be in the other room as your ds for his sake aswell as your own. in another short 15months or so he will be going to nursery. it's time to start now. perhaps begin with a monitor with a camers.

or seek some counselling for yourself.

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 13:08

I agree that if this were me I would pursue counselling. Had a quick look at the other thread and really feel for you, that was a VERY traumatic start for you and DS.

However I do think that YOUR need to be able to see him is possibly impacting in an unhealthy way on your DS. As he grows he does need some independence and to know he can do things alone, otherwise he will become highly dependent; and while that's not a problem at his age and NOT unhealthy, if it goes on it is highly likely IMO to lead to lots of anxieties for him; after all, you can't always be there.

At the moment he has two sleep cues, you and TV. I would work on getting rid of one at a time (and I think it IS worth getting rid of them, to give him that tiny bit of independence of dropping off/waking up alone). I would put him up in the bedroom, but sit with him while he drops off; so he still has you, the familiar sleep cue!

Personally I think TV is to be avoided as a sleep thing; it has to be unrelaxing for them in the long run.

I think this is worth sorting; if you feel you HAVE to be with him 24/7 that is what he will feel too, and the world will seem a scarier place to him, IMO.

KatieDD · 05/12/2008 13:12

Go to the library and get hold of a copy of Elizabeth Pantley's no cry sleep solution.
At his age now it would be cruel to do controlled crying because he is old enough to get in a state about it and remember it the next day.
But for your own sanity this needs resolving hun.
Hot Chocolate is loaded with sugar, I never gave any of mine anything but a fantastic diet and one still had to have 4 baby teeth out, if you'd ever held down a screaming 6 year old whilst an anthetist gives them gas and air, you'd chuck the hot chocolate out now.

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 13:16

Oh also a very sugary drink like Hot Choc before sleep is probably not a good idea; sugar rush at nap-time not great! I would give warm milk. If he kicks up at the change perhaps you could just make his choc more and more milky every day until he 'forgets' that sweet taste.

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 14:02

he doesn't have hot choc everyday its a now and again thing.

He can settle without the tv and often does. i quite often don't have the tv on and sometimes i do but with no sound on.

ds1 had a tv in his room when he was younger until he was 8 and then i moved and he has not had one until last night when i got one off of freecycle for him.

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Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 14:04

and i actually said i am feeling bad not is it ok for him to be shouting,

yes he is allowed to cry for short periods i am not in the habit of leaving him to bawl if i can stop it.

OP posts:

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 14:09

What do you think of the comments about you getting some help for your trauma around his birth, TLES?

nappyaddict · 05/12/2008 14:21

TLES - would a baby monitor with a video help you if you need to be able to see him?

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 14:22

Stephanie, I am already off to the dr's about it all next week. I never thought of it as traumatic at the time just a while later when my sis asked to have him for a while and I panicked.

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Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 14:23

Nappy tbh it probably would but i know i would still spend my time up and down the hallway checking him.

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nappyaddict · 05/12/2008 14:30

TBH I don't think there is anything wrong with him having his daytime naps in the living room with you as long as he is able to sleep that way. Would he sleep better on the sofa or something do you think?

However I do think he needs to start the night where he is going to sleep for the rest of it whether that be in your bed, in a cot in your room, in his own room ... whatever.

ELMOchristmascountdown · 05/12/2008 14:33

i dont see a problem with sleeping in living room either through the day. but turn tv off. maybe read a book. then if need be "pretend to sleep beside him"

or do as i did and "pretend" but then i would actually fall asleep.

Original poster

TLESinChristmasStockings · 05/12/2008 14:56

he normally just lays down and drops off in minutes today he was being a grump and didn't sleep until 13.15 lol.
Tehn only cos we got in the car had to get ds1 from school as he had an accident.

I used to lay down with ds1 and would frequently fall asleep lol

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