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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to take my Fiancee's last name?

45 replies

jempurd · 04/12/2008 20:25

I know it sounds really selfish, but I hate my fiancee's last name, and quite honestly I am dreading it becoming my name.
Go easy on me, I've not toLd anyone before so I really don't know what people are going to think, or just how unreasonable I am being.
I have mentioned him reverting to his mums maiden name (she is divorced from his dad) but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears. He knows that I don't really like the name but I don't think he realises how worried I am about it.
AIBU to want to go to the maiden name after we marry?
(Little bit of history, he has a great reltionship with mums faily, doesn't see dad ofte, and zero contact with any others from that side)

OP posts:
Original poster
jempurd · 04/12/2008 20:26

(sorry, laptop a little old, i miss the odd letter here and there!)

OP posts:
scifinerd · 04/12/2008 20:27

Why is it selfish? I kept my name as I didn't see why I should have to change my identity. Maybe he could take your name or just keep your name, plenty people do. I don't understand the problem, am I missing something?

rebelmum72 · 04/12/2008 20:27

YANBU, but do you have to change at all? Can you not just keep your own name?

TigerFeet · 04/12/2008 20:28

why not just keep your own name?

Or both of you take your name?

YANBU but you need to discuss it with him.

nickytwotimes · 04/12/2008 20:28

Keep your own name.

zenandtheartofbaking · 04/12/2008 20:28

YABR - I kept mine and gave ds one of dh's family names as a middle name. Quite normal now.

wahwah · 04/12/2008 20:28

If you don't want his name, keep your own. I really don't understand why some women change it in the first place.

pamplemousse · 04/12/2008 20:28

I don't think YABU. Although I am biased as I have the same issue... a really yukky sounding name imo.
Have you asked him what he thinks?

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/12/2008 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2008 20:29

I think if you want to continue to be known by your maisen name after you marry, that's fine and should be your choice. But asking him to change his name because you don't like it is a bit cheeky TBH. It's his name, it's presumably what he's been called all his life. If he doesn't dislike it enough to have chosen to use his mother's name, then I don't think you should pressure him to change it now.

PeppermintInAPearTreePatty · 04/12/2008 20:29

Loads of people keep their own surname these days. It's not complusory to change it after you get married.

TheFallenMadonna · 04/12/2008 20:29

It's quite reasonable to keep your current surname. Not entirely reasonable to expect him to change his if he doesn't want to. You should both be happy with your names.

cmotdibbler · 04/12/2008 20:30

Just keep your name - I did, and DH kept his. DS and the cats are myname-hisname

MavYourselfAMerryLittleXmas · 04/12/2008 20:30

no YANBU just keep your own name and let him keep his.

BellaNoir · 04/12/2008 20:30

Um, how about keeping your own name? There's no law that says women have to change their names when they get married!
I suggested to OH that he change his name to mine, wasn't keen so we have both stuck to what we started off with.
Cue much confusion from many many people including one colleague who asked "are you allowed to not change your name in your passport?". She seemed to think it's mandatory LOL.
Anyway YANBU.

Cicatrice · 04/12/2008 20:30

Keep your own name. I don't see the logic of changing it really. And I'm too lazy.

CatchaChristmasStar · 04/12/2008 20:30

Why is it selfish? What does he think about changing his name? Or you could just keep your own name, and if you choose to have children double barel the surname.

scifinerd · 04/12/2008 20:32

Why on earth is it cheeky AMumInScotland? For years and years women have been asked to change their name "presumably" what they have been called all their life and that is deemed acceptable. Why is it unacceptable to ask him if he might consider changing his? Like wahwah said I really don't get this name changing stuff, it is very one-sided.

Original poster
jempurd · 04/12/2008 20:33

wow thanks guys, so glad to hear that I'm not being a complete cow.
Yes I would love to keep my own name, it means a lot to me, I would really like to keep my Dads name.
He doesn't have a problem with it, and now is known by a variation of it so he's quite happy as he is!
Maybe double barrel me and the kids? What about that?

OP posts:
Pantofino · 04/12/2008 20:33

In Belgium you have to use your maiden name for legal purposes. I was most as I hate my maiden name. But even begging made no difference so hey hum I feel 20 again!

Though I once went out with someone whose surname was Dicks. I probably would have been grateful.

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2008 20:39

I think it's cheeky because she'd be asking simply on the basis that she doesn't like it, not for convenience of a single name for the family unit. She should either take his name if she chooses to, or keep her original name.

AMumInScotland · 04/12/2008 20:40

Or she should ask him to change to her name.

scifinerd · 04/12/2008 20:40

I see your point

Original poster
jempurd · 04/12/2008 20:46

changing to the maiden name was just a suggestion, and I'm not offended or surprised that he didn't want to. I just thought that it would be ice to all have the same name. Tbh, I want to have the same name as my husband, just not that one
This is helping me to think through it, and makig me think that maybe I am being a little superficial. I have to weigh up what's more important right? All having the same name.....or having a name that I like? ho hum

OP posts:
CrushaGrape · 04/12/2008 20:50

Changing your name is anachronistic - women are not considered their partners' property these days. Don't change your name; it's inconceivable that any reasonable person could object.