..to still be angry with this family?

[alwaysonline]

I probably am but could do with some honest advice.. (don't often post on here so don't kill me!)

We moved to a new area two and a half years ago.
A family on the same street befriended us ? or rather our son joined the football team run by the husband and then they befriended us. We thought they were ok and for a while they seemed a lot friendlier than a lot of people round here (small village, very cliquey). Their dcs are the same age as ours. The ds1s got on ok, not great but ok.

My dh and the other dh fell out (over the kids' football team). This was over a year ago and they have not spoken since. I had nothing to do with this row and tried to stay on reasonable terms with the family.

In the meantime several slightly (but not hugely) dodgy things happened. The husband did odd things during football training: for example, on one occasion my ds (8 at the time) turned up with insufficient layers on? the Trainers (him basically) didn't have him play much and instead, they just let him freeze on the side. They did not take him inside to warm up for 5 mins, they did not call my dh to ask him to either bring more layers or take him home (and we would have been fine with that) - I got home to face an hysterical child who had got way too cold. On another occasion my ds lost his raincoat. He must have left it on the pitch after training. My dh went straight back to find it after 10 mins. Trainers had gone, coat was nowhere to be seen and was not in the lost property at the centre. We contacted this man and asked him if had it - he said he did not. However, when my ds did his training the following week, he produced the coat and said to my ds 'Maybe you'll learn your lesson this time.'

Their ds then started to become gradually more and more unpleasant to my ds (on one occasion he smashed my ds's head off a bench at school, on another he convinced a supply teacher that my ds should not take his turn at opening the class advent calendar, on another he kicked my ds in the unmentionables). Unaware that this low level shite was going on, I continued to invite their ds over to play with my ds (as they were supposed to be friends) - after a term I realised my ds had not been invited back and I raised this with the family (this coincided with the third incident listed above occurring). In reply to this, I received an email from the husband saying that I was aggressive and hostile (plus a few other things). After this I removed my ds from his football team. I did not give him an explanation. I did not reply to his email, believing that enough was enough and I was so angry, a reply might have made things even worse.

I should also point out that the mother and her SIL both work in the local (small) school that the ds's went to (one of ds's still goes there) as TAs. Another three or four of their close friends also work in the school as TAs - I digress slightly, but this adds to my irritation quite a bit. When the ds's were not getting on, I was faced with a young NQT who appeared fearful of reporting the worst of the incidents to her head (young NQT flanked by lots of much older women all with their own kids in the school... .)

Now, over a year later: we still have nothing to do with each other. We live about 5 doors down from them. I feel annoyed that we can?t even be civil to each other and I would probably have tried to rectify this, but I feel completely unable to approach them. I am not even sure why anymore.

So AIBU to still feel angry with this family?

I would want nothing to do with the family personally, why do you even want to talk to them?

no, you aren't being unreasonable at all. I do know what you mean though about just wanting to be able to be civil, but it doesn't sound like they are capable of that.
you have my sympathies because being in a small village does make things like that worse doesn't it?
i would prob just leave it though

Well I think it's obviously still bothering you, so is worth sorting out. The two grown men fell out and perhaps they should be the ones to shake hands and call a truce. If your dh did that or tried to anyway, at least you'd know your family would've done all you can to sort this out.

The other stuff though.....well yes the bullying is an important issue. But the school have to take some responsibility there for how they handled it.
But I cannot imagine ever raising the issue of my ds not being invited for return playdates, with a parent. There are some kids on my street who are in everyones houses all the time, but none of their friends get invited into theirs. Annoying, but common enough.

This man gives up his time to run a football team for children. Yet you pulled your ds off the team without any explanation or just the common curtesy of letting him know. I find that a bit odd.

And about your ds being left freezing on the sidelines. Its not the job of the coaches to check that every parent dressed their child properly.
The coat one...well maybe it just turned up during the week, or someone had taken it home by accident. I don't think you should immediately think the worst of the coach.

I would feel angry and a bit threatened by the family as well. Just carry on being polite when you see them, they are the ones who then look petty and childish to any onlookers. Any conversation about past events is likely to turn into them being defensive and hostile and you getting more and more annoyed.

If their ds continues to pick on your ds then take it up with the head directly if the teacher won't.

Can completely understand why you don't want anything to do with them, but they are unavoidable I suppose.

With the season of goodwill coming up gives you a good opportunity to offer an olive branch. Send them a Christmas card, invite them over for a Christmas drink or take them some mince pies round.

You'll get on civil terms, and take the moral highground to boot

Yes, that's the dilemma. Leave it, as we have reached a situation where nobody is bothering anyone else, or say something because it still preys on my mind and I would like to clear the air?

potoftea - I didn't immediately think the worst of the coach, but the situation seemed to deteriorate over time, even though I was trying to keep things normal and then it all looked worse it retrospect...

I thought about the Christmas card thing.. maybe that couldn't hurt

OK, so you should have ensured your DS was dressed appropriately, but not only is not giving him an opportunity to warm up and not contacting you neglectful, but with no other explanation offered by the father, keeping his coat and lying about it is very untoward behaviour from an adult with a presumed duty of care!

"(on one occasion he smashed my ds's head off a bench at school, on another he convinced a supply teacher that my ds should not take his turn at opening the class advent calendar, on another he kicked my ds in the unmentionables). Unaware that this low level shite was going on,"

Hold on - you call this physical bullying and very successful manipulation of adults from an 8 year old "low level shite?"

"I feel annoyed that we can't even be civil to each other and I would probably have tried to rectify this, but I feel completely unable to approach them. I am not even sure why anymore."

Erm - perhaps because they're not in the least approachable? Sounds as if you've been as civil as possible in the circumstances in comparison.

What needs to be rectified? You won't change them - the attitude was obviously handed down from father to son.

Why do you need these people in your life again???