to be increasingly pissed off with work mate?

[beanieb]

There are two of us doing the same job. We rub along quite nicely and have done for 8 years. However she has started to run herself ragged chasing after her daughter (a 20 year old Student who lives at home) and husband while not at work, doing absolutely everything for them. This is now effecting the way she is in work and the job she does.

For example... she won't let her daughter get a taxi or a bus at night, so she stays up until the small hours waiting for her daughter (And sometimes husband) to call her for a lift. Sometimes this means she is up until gone 2am waiting for the call. She then drives to collect her daughter taking a wastepaper bin with her incase her daughter is sick (From alcohol) and to drop off her daughter's friends at their houses!

Once she is home she stays up to make sure her daughter is ok, this can mean she is up until 4 am. Today she told me that after a night like this last night, she then got up and cooked a meal of liver and sausage for her husband at 7.30 am as he is on night shifts and can't/won't cook for himself while she is at work and he has said he is 'fed up with ready meals'.

All of us who know her in work keep telling her she is being run ragged and she should start putting her foot down but she says 'oh he just can't cook, I blame his mother' but it's obvious to me that she is also to blame for letting him get away with doing sweet FA!

Anyway - she is coming to work tired and stressed and it's really starting to piss me off. Would it be really mean andunreasonable for me to say something either to her or to our boss?

Is it affecting her work?
If yes, then maybe speak to her and ask her how she is and if there is anything you can do. Maybe getting her to open up and talk about it, you may be able to offer some friendly advice and support.
If it isn't affecting her work, then it isn't any of your business really.

Why has this suddenly started after 8 years? Are you sure she's telling you the whole story? That sounds like very unusual behaviour for the mother of a 20 year old. Perhaps it's something more serious.

It is effecting the way she works. She gets much more stressed much more quickly, everything seems to be a massive mountain for her to climb. I suppose the way it effects me is that I just feel like I am in a very stressful environment when she's like this when actually our job isn't hugely stressful at all.

She has been off work in the past due to stress (many illnesses in the family coupled with a difficult time in work when we had little support) and I feel like this is likely to happen again.

Our boss provides us with very poor staff cover which is something I have brought up over and over but seen no change.

I want to make it clear to my boss that I believe my work mate is heading for more time off, but this time it seems to be of her own making (ie her home life and things which she could easily change) so I am not sure how I can explain this to her without it looking like I am having a go.

meemar - she has one child who is studying in our home town and lives at home with her. She has always been very protective of her daughter as she was only able to have one child. I do feel this is really over protective behaviour but she also does it for her husband (The picking him up at 3am with a sick bucket at hand) so I think it's just something she does so she knows they are both safe.

I would think long and hard before talking to your boss about it. It's really up to him/her to notice if your friend's work is affected.

As ls says, just keep trying to offer friend lots of support and advice

problem is that technically I am in a supervisor role to my work mate. I have talked to her as a friend in a non work related way about the stress she is under at home but never related the way she is in work to her personal life.

My boss works in a different building so doesn't get to see how either of us work, we provide a service to other staff in the building and so long as it all gets done our big boss is very hands off.

I think technically speaking it is me who should say something but I'm finding it really hard as when I talk in a chatty way about the way her husband is (For example) she basically just shrugs it off. I am not the only one of her workmate friends to say something. I am really scared of making it into a serious work issue tbh.

I think just do the job you need to do to cover yourself. That sounds harsh, but it isn't up to you to speak to your boss, agree with nopaddle.
That said, you shouldn't have to be doing more to cover her. Difficult situation.

This is different.
If you are her supervisor, then can you talk to her about her duties at work, what she is doing at work that is different to before. I.e. not about home, but about her work performance.
Ask her if there is anything work can do to help.
Maybe set objectives in her review, talk about absenteeism etc etc.
Really tough being a supervisor and a friend, but you have to be one or the other here.

Do you do her performance reviews? If so, when is her next one? Are you technically her boss? If so, your boss will be relying on you to address the situation I guess?

yes I do. It's next year (August) as we have just recently done one. I am just a bit wary as while her work as such doesn't suffer (It all gets done) it more the way it is done and the huffing, puffing, stressing over what are actually fairly simple things, sometimes not understanding fully what she is being asked by other people etc.

I am guessing tiredness = stress = everything looking like a mountain

TBH I wouldnt say anything to her.
You say that all her work gets done, its not the actual work thats suffering, its more that she is huffing and puffing and that in turn makes you feel stressed.
To be blunt, if she gets the work done in a way that suits her, then you getting stressed at her ways of coping is not really her problem.

As a friend and colleague I'd go ahead and say to her 'look, you seem really stressed and its making me a bit stressed too seeing you worked up in the office, can we talk about it, see if we can work out how to make things less stressful?'

thanks 2pt4kids... I guess I feel llike we are friends so it's really difficult to start discussing her home life with her but on a professional lever if you see what I mean.

I'll try to offer more support and keep on doing the friendly 'ooh your husband and daughter take the piss a bit' thing.

keep it separate I guess

As 2pt4kids said, if she is getting the work done there isn't too much you can do. In fact I would even stop the comments about them 'taking the piss'. Having someone telling her this might increase her stress as she senses your disapproval of what she is going. I suspect she needs to bottom out and make the decision herself that she has had enough of (s)mothering them. If she starts failing at work then definitely let her know before your boss has to get involved.

It's a pity the 20 year old can't take a bit more responsibility for herself, but why should she when her mother is willing to do it for her.

MadamDeath - thank you

I think I am allowing my own frustration about her inability to tell her family where to go to cloud things.

I'll say nothing for now