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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ignore the phone because if we talk to her we might say something to regret

11 replies

Lowfat · 04/12/2008 12:23

SIL's behaviour is so exasperating all the time. I know everyone has different parenting styles and differernt priorities in life. But DH and I are fed up with her expecting PIL (her and mine) to bail her and her DH out be it looking after her DC's or helping financially.

And what really annoys me is that for the first 4-5 years of her time in the family she spent about 2 hours a week on the phone to me, every week, moaning about how selfish, clueless and useless the PIL were.

And a while ago she was moaning that they all went out for the day and when her DS wanted some sweets and she had no cash PIL did'nt out his hand in his pocket, because 'he is tight'. But in the next breath she said FIL bought her DD a pair of shoes on same day!

No one can do any right by her, including her own DH who she got to change jobs for a stressful position in the city so he earned more so she could give up work to be with the DC's. Only for her to want to move nearer her own parents and him now have a 2 hour commute everyday, which she complains bitterly about, especially when he is delayed in traffic etc.

Now she has gone back to work she keeps increasing her hours to earn more as they are mortgaged to thier ears (because they bought late into thier relationship - again because she like the disposable income that she had while renting) and she just expects PIL to look after her DC's, she doesnt even ask them until her new hours have been agreed. They are retired FGS, they should be there for nice things not free childcare and financial support.

DH and I cope with everything on our own because we live away from any family, it's hard but it can be done, with occasional support from our close friends when things get desperate, medical emergencies etc. Her and her DH are adults too and it is about time they learned to stand on there own feet.

DH and I suspect FIL is getting wise to SIL and trying to put up barriers, but MIL just goes along with SIL, which now affects my relationship with her, as I dont think she should.

Before B&SIl were married MIL was funny towards her, but SIL told me she said to her that if they ever had kids and MIL wanted to see them she had better change her attitude, which I am sure is the reason why MIL just puts up with everything.

The real shame is that our DC's really get on well and play so nicely together, but we dont want to be around her.

In fact last time we were with them, DH told DD not to do something and SIL questioned his parenting right in front of DD .

So it has now got so bad that as we have caller ID, when see B&SIL's no. we ignore the call!

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 04/12/2008 12:26

Apart from your SIL questioning your DH parenting, I don't see what the rest of it has to do with you and why it would bother you so much that you would avoid speaking to her.

TheProvincialLady · 04/12/2008 12:28

Sorry, that sounded harsh but I mean if your in laws are happy to provide cash and care, what is it to you? And why does the length of your BIL commute bother you? He is an adult and must have been involved with that decision.

Lowfat · 04/12/2008 12:34

I suppose it infuriates us so much because being so far awy from it DH feels his parents are being out upon, and that it proably all stems from SIL's threat to prevent the PIL from seeing any GC.

It grates also that she complained so bitterly about them being crap PIL or GPs's and they they are tight with money, but she still accepts free child care and PIL buying things for them.

When we have PIL to visit I go to a lot of effort to try and show them GC can behave nicely and do fun stuff, and that they dont have to be bought things everytime.

I suppose I dont like to see PIL being taken advantage of in such a blatant and ungrateful way

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 04/12/2008 12:36

Oh sorry, I missed the bit where she was basically blackmailing the GP What a bitch, it's no wonder you feel angry. It's one thing when people choose to do things but quite another when they are held to ransom.

nopaddle · 04/12/2008 12:50

Not unreasonable at all. You can't choose your in-laws but you can choose not to speak to them. Ignore her - she sounds very spoilt. Try not to let it spoil your relationships with MIL - afterall, she lets herself be "put upon" so really nothing to do with you, altho I can see it's v irritating.

hollytree · 04/12/2008 12:55

yup i agree - you can avoid the phone calls at least some of the time - but how does your dh feel? does he get on well with his brother, and so feel he can talk to him about the way they treat his parents or does sil dominate everything and so bil not have much say in it?

beanieb · 04/12/2008 12:57

So long as your inlaws are saying yes to her requests for free childcare then I don't see what the problem is.

MincePirate · 04/12/2008 13:00

ignore when you want to, it's your home, your nerves!!

Yet i'd say take a step back out of it or being bothered. You can't change them.

Lowfat · 04/12/2008 13:00

Hollytree - poor BIL is very down trodden it was apprent when we saw them last the SIL only looks after her DC's when she has exhauseted all options.

When staying at her house last year her poor DH come home from a very long day (it was about 9pm) his dinner was in the oven abd as soon as he had eaten it she told him bath DC@s and put them to bed, whicl she sat watching TV with a glass of wine in his hand.

It was not as if she had been on her own with them all day as we had been there, as well as PIL and had been out for the day to the seaside.

DH and I do not want to cause arguments or really upset the applecart, which is why we avoid the calls.

OP posts:
eekamoose · 04/12/2008 13:01

Lowfat - it is a shame, when your children play so nicely together, but you do not have to have a relationship with them when it winds you up so much. SIL is very unlikely to change.

Don't ignore the phone next time she calls. Plan what you are going to say. If she starts moaning about lack of money/help from PILs just calmly deliver your prepared speech along the lines of "actually, SIL, they do a great deal for you, especially in terms of childcare. Loads of people (don't mention you and DH specifically cos otherwise she'll just think you're bitter and jealous) have no support whatsoever from family for childcare. Perhaps you should try and appreciate them a bit more for what they DO do. And if you haven't got any particular reason to phone us, then we'd rather you stopped calling and being rude about members of the family we care about. Its just very unpleasant to listen to."

Then at least its out in the open and you don't have to hide from the phone or get stressed when you see her caller id.

Thats what I'd do, anyway.

Lowfat · 04/12/2008 13:01

'her hand'

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