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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that dd's friends mum should not have taken dd from school?

22 replies

dustystar · 03/12/2008 17:30

My two are at different schools so I can't pick them both up. I pick up ds and a friend picks dd up for me, then I collect dd from her house on the way home.

This friend forgot today so dd wasn't at her house when i arrived. She has been really poorly recently so tbh I felt a bit sorry for her rather than annoyed as she was mortified.

I rang the school to see if dd had gone back in but she wasn't there, so I rang another friend whose dd thought my dd might be walking back with another child. I checked at the school anyway and then drove home to see if dd was there. When she wasn't i drove to this child's house and thankfully she was there.

AIBU to be annoyed with the mum who took dd home with her without telling the school? She doesn't have my mobile either so couldn't contact me to say she had taken dd but left a message on my home phone instead. TBH though if my friends dd hadn't mentioned what she had overheard I wouldn't have even gone in the house and found the message because i'd have been frantically driving around trying to find dd.

I know she was trying to be helpful but I think she should have sent dd back into school so that they could contact me and let me know she hadn't been collected and not just taken dd home with her without telling anyone. I am very hormonal though so maybe I am being unreasonable. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

MadamDeathstarOverBethlehem · 03/12/2008 17:38

I would be fuming. She should have taken your dd back to school if she couldn't have got in touch with you to let you know where she was going to be.

She thought she was being helpful though so you can't get angry with her. I would talk to your dd (in a nice way, it's not her fault either) about what to do if this happens again and how you must know where she is going to be. Does your dd have your phone numbers and address written down in her school bag?

Another useful thing I have heard about is to have a family code word. Only the person who knows the word is allowed to take your child home. At least that limits the number of places she might go to.

Hulababy · 03/12/2008 17:39

How old is DD?

Can you ensure that your DD knows that she must not go home with anyone other than the person you have told her about int he morning, or her teacher tells her (AFTER A PHONE CALL FROM YOU SUCH AS IN AN EMERGENCY)?

(sorry for caps there)

Also I would speak to school. School should be keeping an eye on children and ensuring they go home woith the correct person. I appreciate that if your DD is in juniors rather than infants they have less home time supervision though.

I agree the friend's mum shouldn't have done it ideall but I guess she thought she was helping out.

more · 03/12/2008 17:40

She tried to do you a favour, and she did try to contact you to let you know that she had your daughter.

It is in my view your poorly friend that has done something really bad here.

Original poster

dustystar · 03/12/2008 17:44

I'm afraid I already gave dd an earful when i picked her up. I said thankyou to the mum who took her from school but I think she knew I was annoyed as I told dd off for going home with her and not going back into school. She does know to go back to school if for some reason no-one comes to get her - we have talked about this before and at 10 she's old enough to remember IMO.

Good idea about putting emergency numbers in her school diary. I'll get her to do that tonight. DD wouldn't go with just anyone so we don't need a code word really - this women is someone i used to work with and have known for years plus our two dds are good friends.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 03/12/2008 17:45

At 10yo DD definitely needs to hold a lot of the responsibiity for this one. She should have done as you have told her before, returned into school and informed a teacher.

Original poster

dustystar · 03/12/2008 17:46

She's at middle school so the school don't supervise children as they leave so not their responsibilty at all really.

OP posts:

Original poster

dustystar · 03/12/2008 17:47

I agree Hula which is why I told her off when i picked her up. I explained that if friends dd hadn't said anything I wouldn't have known where she was and would have been really worried.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/12/2008 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AlanPartridgeInAPearTree · 03/12/2008 21:16

I would be livid too. if she was concerned for the welfare of your DD and about you/other carer not being there to take her home, she could have hung around with your DD, then when it became obvious no one was turning up, taken her to the school office to make some phone calls. She should have realised school would have your mobile number and that you may not be going home to get the message.

I would have been in serious panic mode!

But I do also think that your DD is old enough to take some of the blame. Mine is 8 and knows never to leave with ANYONE unless prearranged in emergency by phonecall to school

onthewarpath · 04/12/2008 12:38

My school would not let anyone pick up a child unless they have been told by the parents it was ok.

Once the friend who was supposed to pick up my daughter completely forgot about her, the school rang me and we made an arrangement that one of the teachers who lives close to us would bring her back.

Another time I sae DS'f friend waiting for his mum who is a dear friend of mine. I said to the teachet that I could call her and let her know I had him. her answer was "we will call her and if you weant to wait for him and she is ok you can take him." I was abit taken aback but, in hindsight it does avoid situations like yours. It must have been very distressing for you., and also not meant to be malicious, your other friend should definitely have let you know. If she does not have a mobile, I am sure that the school secretary would not have minded calling on her behalf (in our nice school anyway).

onthewarpath · 04/12/2008 12:40

sorry meant to be:I saW, and teacheR

thenewme · 04/12/2008 12:42

I don't think you can say
"At 10yo DD definitely needs to hold a lot of the responsibiity for this one."

what 10 year old is going to speak up if another mother says some home with me?

The mother who took her should havbe let the school know.

Who picked up the sick mum's child?

Pinkjennybellrock · 04/12/2008 12:42

I just don't understand why she didn't just take your dd back into school and alert a teacher when she knew that no one had arrived to pick her up.

Seems very irresponsible to me, to just take her home. But I guess she was trying to help.

I wouldn't be very happy either.

Legacy · 04/12/2008 12:49

There's a mum of one of my son's friends who does this kind of thing. he's a bit loopy and just doesn't THINK about what she's doing.

DH was 10 mins late for pick up after a drama club once, and this woman had taken DS AND another little boy whose mum was late home

When I pointed out that this wasn't what we'd expect, she breezily said , "oh, I just collect any leftover children up, and take them back to mine" (she lives quite close to the school).

I agree that a 10 year old should know to let her Mum know where she is though!

pamelat · 04/12/2008 12:52

I can see why you were terrified and unhappy. I am sure that she was trying to help though. Its a messy one.

Sounds like she already knows that you are cross which is sufficient.

We'l probably see a AIBU to have taken my friends DD home rather than leave her alone at school gate topic soon?

meemar · 04/12/2008 13:02

I personally would be more annoyed at the friend who forgot to pick up your dd.

The other woman thought she was doing the right thing and left a message to tell you what she was doing.

I do appreciate that you were worried, but if you can have sympathy for your friend who forgot to collect your child, surely you can spare some for this woman.

mrsruffallo · 04/12/2008 13:22

Agree meemar- i don't understand why you are so angry with friend no.2 and not the one who forgot.
What time did you arrive to collect her from friend no.1?

dingdong05 · 04/12/2008 13:28

I'm on the same wavelength as meenar.
I understand your fear, really I do, and I agree that she should have got the office to call your mobile.But she did leave you a msg, and I wouldn't assert that she would've known the office had your mobile no.
I feel for your friend, she probably thought she was doing the right thing!

onthewarpath · 04/12/2008 13:37

I had missed the fact that she had left you a message, in which case YABabitU.

Kewcumber · 04/12/2008 13:42

I don;t understand why anyone would be "livid" at a friedn trying to do the right thing and keeping their child safe.

"Livid" would be reserved for puting my child in danger.

I might be irritated (though more with friend one than two) at being made to panic but no more than that really.

Pinkjennybellrock · 04/12/2008 13:44

Maybe livid is a little strong, but it's not as if she had found her roaming the streets at night. Why not just take her back into school so that she could satisfy herself that she would be safe, rather than take her home herself?

Kewcumber · 04/12/2008 13:46

yes I agree and that would irritate me some of the responses are a bit strong for a situation which actually was at all times safe for OP's DD - fuming, livid etc.

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