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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to spend the same amount on all the children?

19 replies

TinkerBellesMum · 02/12/2008 16:15

My partner thinks we should spend the same amount on Tink as we do her brothers so is trying to restrict what we spend on her, which I don't think is fair. I said that if he feels like that he can spend £100 on each of the boys and Tink and I'll spend £100 on Tink so we'll be even. (To be honest the usual thing is that I spend all the money on everyone's presents anyway).

He also keeps telling me we have to spend money on his sons siblings, which I don't mind doing, but it's the "She (XW) has bought Tink a present" actually, I don't agree she has, the boys have. It might be her money but if we're going to go there then the children don't ever send presents till they're old enough to earn their own money! Her mother always gives Tink a card and £10 for her birthday and Christmas, but XW doesn't even give her a card. I'm not begrudging anything, I don't think she has to give her a card or present, it's just the way I'm being bullied by TBD into spending money on her other children.

OP posts:

dilbertina · 02/12/2008 16:17

ehhh? sorry don't get it....

Sonnet · 02/12/2008 16:21

bookthief · 02/12/2008 16:22

Do you mean you have two dss? I suppose they'll get presents from their mother as well as you and dh so from a purely financial perspective you don't need to spend exactly as much on them as your dd.

Personally though, I think you should just buy presents you think they'd like and if one child gets a more expensive present then that's fine - bringing it all down to money doesn't say Christmas to me.

AMumInScotland · 02/12/2008 16:22

Are the other children his rather than jointly yours?

It's a tricky one ... he should certainly try to treat all his children fairly, but if their mother is also buying them presents separately, then I don't see why you shouldn't spend money on your daughter separately too...

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 02/12/2008 16:23

I think the boys are TBN's DSDs so she is saying she wants to spend more on their DD as she won't have two lots of presents at different homes.

I'm not sure tbh, it's tricky.

saythatagain · 02/12/2008 16:23

Sorry, you've lost me.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 02/12/2008 16:24

*DSS's sorry.

Also agree it's not about money at a young age, they don't understand the price, money only matters if you have a couple of teens wanting clothes or something.

Sonnet · 02/12/2008 16:25

sorry to seem rude - could you clarify a little more?

You and your partner have a DD - your partner has 2 ds's from a previous relationship
Your partners ds's have other siblings?

If the above is correct then I think you have a few issues that need seperating:

should you spend the same on your DD and 2 DSS

Should you buy gifts for DSS's siblings

I would be inclined to spend the same on DD and DSS's and buy a token gift for the siblings from DD

pipsqueak · 02/12/2008 16:25

sorry OP doesnt make sense . as a principle though surely he is right dd and dss should get the same but i may have missed teh point ....

BrownSuga · 02/12/2008 16:28

I think she's saying something like:

If the DSS;s mother spends 50quid, and TinkFamily spend 50quid on the boys, then that's 100. So TinkBaby should have 100quid spent on her.

MrTink is also saying they should buy his son's other half-siblings, his XW other children, gifts as well.

I think?

BONKERZ · 02/12/2008 16:29

I have a DSD and she has exactly the same amount of presents (money not issue, we buy one main for each then if one gets a game the others do too!) This year DSD is not with us for christmas but she has same amount of main presents and half the amount of stocking presents as she will get presents from her mum too.
As for buying for your daughter, DHs EXP (DSD mum) does buy for my son and daughter at birthdays and christmas and we buy for her other daughter and DSD buys a present out of her pocket money for her mummy.

stillstanding · 02/12/2008 16:30

If VS is right about what OP is asking. I think that the same should be spent on each child and it doesnt matter that the DSs will get more presents because two families.

stillstanding · 02/12/2008 16:31

Actually think this is quite important: terrible message to sent to two DSSs if they get not-so-great present and Tink gets great one from their dad and mum/stepmum

BrownSuga · 02/12/2008 16:32

I suppose they should get the same amount spent, the DSSs and BabyTink. Their DM buying them gifts also, shouldn't factor.

For buying the DSSs other siblings gifts, it's not necessary, but I suppose depends on your relationship with other family as a whole. If you're all very close, why not, but if not, then no.

MadameCastafiore · 02/12/2008 16:34

We buy DD and DS the same amount - it doesn't matter what DDs father gets her - we treat ours the same.

Lulumamawanker · 02/12/2008 16:35

once you start differentiating financially between children and step children you are on a bad downward spiral

agree to spend less on each child if it is too much financially

NorthernLurker · 02/12/2008 16:40

You should spend roughly the same on all the children you or your partner has parental responsibility for. Your resources should be split three equal ways therefore. I don't see why you don't want to buy a gift for your stepsons siblings either? They are part of the family and I think a little generosity on your part will pay dividends in years to come.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 02/12/2008 16:46

I think it depends on how the presents are divided.
If TBM buys a big present for babytink and smaller presents for the boys, and MRtink buys all children something the same size/amount, and EXW buys the boys a big present it will work out fine, because everyone will get the same and the boys/babytink will understand that their own mum got them big presents but daddy got them the same.
However, if it is from Mrtink and TBM then they should be the same.

Original poster

TinkerBellesMum · 02/12/2008 17:06

VS got it right, sorry my net connection went down in the middle of writing that and I got sidetracked sorting it out.

The DSS's live in London and never come here, another complicated matter. They don't know what we will spend on their sister, only each other. The money I said is just an easy figure, it's about buying them presents whatever we spend on them. I will be buying the presents whatever happens, I always do. I am on benefits and have to seriously cut back to buy presents for two lots of nieces/nephews and our children.

I love the boys and will always try to treat the children equally, but equally doesn't mean exactly the same, they have two parents just like Tink does, she gets half of her parenting from me and half from her dad, it just comes as a package. The boys are the same, it's just not the same package.

As for his XW's kids, I always buy presents for them (well the eldest, the youngest is new) for birthdays and Christmas, I just get cross that I'm bullied into it (I'd do it anyway) on a "she buys for Tink" basis when, no she doesn't.

OP posts:

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