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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS join karate?

30 replies

MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 20:46

Me and DS1 do karate. DS2 USED to train with us but he quit as he found it "boring". He has a short attention span, doesn't like being told what to do and basically finds the discipline hard.

So, as I'm a single parent I've had no option but to take him with us and make him sit and watch/read/play with his nintendo ds etc etc...most of the time he gets bored, starts messing about, gets into trouble, I get embarrassed, people get annoyed and so it goes on.

I'm seriously considering making him take it up again.

My reasons:

It IS good for them
It would be great for him as he is dyspraxic
He lacks confidence...again this would help
He has NO other interests or hobbies...this would give him something to focus on.
He would be able to defend himself as he grows up.

And from purely selfish points of view..it would stop me being shown up everytime me and DS1 train.

Would it be unreasonable of me to say to DS "Sorry, but you're going to train with me and DS1, I'll make it worth your while (and offer a weekly subscription to fave comic or something).

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 01/12/2008 20:47

How old is he?

Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 20:49

He's almost 8.

OP posts:
hecate · 01/12/2008 20:49

i think it is a bad idea to make him. You can't force someone to do something that doesn't interest them.

However, you can make the consequences for messing about so dire that he will sit on his hands the entire time!

Blandmum · 01/12/2008 20:50

Mrs Snape, you have my sympathy. I'm in a similar situation to you , also a single parent. I 'need' some time to exercise.

My ds (8)is also dyspraxic. Like your ds he doesn't really want to do any other clubs etc. He is now a yellow belt and is finally begining to enjoy Karate for the sparing.....it is also a positve outlet for his anger following dh's death

thisisyesterday · 01/12/2008 20:52

i don't think you can MAKE him. he'll just hate it and mess around anyway.

but you could have a chat with him and say that if he is finding it boring sitting and waiting then why not give it a go again? see what he thinks?
is there no-one that could have him while you dgo??

Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 20:53

Hecate, I've tried that, he just behaves worse the next time and says "you could always give up too, then none of us would need to go!" lol

Martianbishop, DS is the same. I've tried him with tennis (his idea, he got thrown out for messing about), beavers (didn't like it as he got told off), football (didn't like it as he could never get the ball)...I think it is really bad for him to simply go to school and come home and have nothing else going on in his life.

I'm sure he'd start to enjoy it if he gave it a proper go. It has been so great for DS1, I wish I could make DS2 benefit from it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 20:54

thisisyesterday, nobody else around that could look after him unfortunately.

I've just talked to him, told him how proud I'd be if he took it up again, how strong it would make him, how he wouldn't need to sit bored twice a week...he's still not interested

OP posts:
TackyChristmasLights · 01/12/2008 20:59

Glad to see a thread on karate.
We are thinking of starting DCs (9,8 and 8) and I know that the one DS 8yo who really needs the discipline and confidence etc will be the one who ducks out early.

I am in half a mind to say 'right this is how it is and we are all doing it together' and also feel just the same as you in not wanting to force the issue.

Really want the kids to have an idea that you should make a commitment but at the same time there can be good reasons to stop.

Understand how you are feeling, sorry no solutions....other than being gently forceful.

ingles2 · 01/12/2008 21:01

Hecate is right, unfortunately you can't make him. I think the thing to do is try and show him that karate is much more interesting than the alternative. ie. sitting still, doing nothing.
I totally sympathize though, my ds's do karate and ds2, 7, frequently wants to give up, gets bored, says he's tired etc etc..then it comes to another grading and he's interested again. They now have their green belt with white stripe which in our club is their 7th belt, so I'll keep encouraging.
Otherwise, is it at a leisure centre? is there another club/sport he could do at the same time?

ingles2 · 01/12/2008 21:03

cross posts...
is there a particular bit he doesn't like MrsSnape? for example the sparing?

Blandmum · 01/12/2008 21:10

well, I'm afraid that I did insist.

He couldn't come up with something else positive to do, and I'm not going to let him sit in front of the TV/computer everynight.

I think that it is important for him to have something to focus on.

Initially he loved it, then he went off it, now he is enjoying it again.

Likewise he dose a water polo club. Initially he hated it, now he loves it.

Sometimes mother does know better than an 8 year old

Beetroot · 01/12/2008 21:14

Most of the time I would say MB
I insisted my kids played an instruement - 3 of themtook to it like ducks to water , one not so much but stillplays in a =n orchestra.

and enjoys
and finds great confidence from it

barnsleybelle · 01/12/2008 21:15

I don't think you should make him do something that is supposed to be a hobby. Just because you like it doesn't mean he has to.

There are lots of other activities he may enjoy.. Ds plays football for the local team and is in a rock climbing club. Dh and i don't do either of them.. He tried karate and hated it.

Let him be himself and find something he enjoys. You could say, if he sits and waits while you train, then you will do the same for him when he finds something he enjoys.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 21:22

It's at a school so nothing else going on at the same time. It would be easier if he were older, I'd let him sit in the house for a couple of hours but obviously we're talking secondary school age, not 8.

I said to him "think of something else you want to do then...ANYTHING...and you can do it as long as its not too expensive"

He thought for a while and then said "there is nothing I want to do" I don't want him to be lazy/xbox bum. He hates swimming, hates football (or anything else that requires teamwork) he hates beavers/cubs....hated St Johns Ambulance...liked tennis but got thrown out (only reason he liked it was because he loved chucking balls at the kids faces)

I asked him what he doesn't like about karate, he said the only bit he DOES like is the fighting (typical).

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 01/12/2008 21:22

If he doesn't like it, it's highly probable that he'll mess about and show you up anyway.
Hobbies are supposed to be fun, not something you do to fit in with your parents' wishes. And I don't think there's really anything wrong with a child who doesn't want to do after-school activities.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 21:24

Oh, he does want to join the army cadets but he can't join until he's 13. I asked him why he wanted to join (thinking I might be able to find him a suitable alternative for his age group) and he replied "they get guns!"

He's very violent minded. Always sneaks horror films on when he gets the chance, is OBSESSED with Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson...in all honesty I'm concerned about him and I really, genuinly think karate would give him something positive to focus on.

OP posts:
barnsleybelle · 01/12/2008 21:27

Well maybe, if he doesn't want to do a specific activity, you could say that if he sits and waits patiently then you will take him somewhere he enjoys... ie pictures, play area, etc etc .... Some children just don't go in for sports etc.. (sometimes i wish ds wanted to do less as it's a huge commitment)!!!

TheSmallClanger · 01/12/2008 21:31

It didn't give him something to focus on last time, though.

I'm trying to think of activities a slightly violent-minded fidgety boy would enjoy - is there a junior music club where he could muck about with guitars in a studio near you? There's one which some of my friends' children go to, and they all love it.
What about Games Workshop? They have an area you can sit painting orcs or whatever, and then have pretend battles with them. I know it's geeky, but it might get him out of your hair for a couple of hours!

Blandmum · 01/12/2008 21:34

Hmm painting fine detail miniatures isn't going to be much fun for a boy who is dyspraxic!

I also have a son would would just sit in front of a screen all day, given the option.

Sorry, ain't going to happen.

He carried on and now likes it. Kids do this sort of thing. the initial interest wears off, and they get to see that it is a bit harder, they want to quit. if they carry on they often end up enjoying it again.

Plus I want to teach my kids 'stickability'

TheSmallClanger · 01/12/2008 21:47

Didn't see the dyspraxia bit, sorry.

I still don't see the point of forcing children into activities, though. Some children don't like structured activities and it sounds like the OP's DS is one of them. Tiny Clanger only does one activity - her rhythmic gymnastics, which she loves, and started because her best friend does it and she wanted to join in. I would be concerned if she wanted to give it up, because she seems to like it so much, but I certainly wouldn't force her if she stopped enjoying it.
She did do ballet, but we let her stop it because she found it too structured and boring, and the classes didn't consist of a great deal.

Original poster
MrsSnape · 01/12/2008 21:52

I think DS would be great at gymnastics, he's very skinny, strong and fast...like a little whipet and he LOVES climbing (have found him hanging from the top of his bedroom door before today and if you lose him at the park, just search the tree tops!) but he won't go as it's "girly".

Of course, his father doesn't help telling him everything is "gay" DS worships him unfortunately and if dad doesn't like it, DS doesn't like it.

Unsuprisingly, dad thinks karate is "gay"...this could have something to do with DS quitting.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 01/12/2008 21:56

Not wildly helpful.

It has really helped ds's self esteem, and also the dyspraxia (to a degree...it isn't a magic wand or anything). His concentration is better. It also lets him focus his anger in a positive and self disciplined way

If there was anything else that he would do, I would have considered letting him drop the Karate. But there wasn't so he carried on, and now he enjoys it and it has built up his confidence

Blandmum · 01/12/2008 21:57

I'd like to see your ex tell ds's Sensae that karate is 'gay'

LOL

Nice guy but build like a brick shit house.

Plus this is a way for ds to get a very good, very strong, positive male role model.

barnsleybelle · 01/12/2008 22:02

He sounds perfect for rock climbing. ds is long and lanky, and it's something you start off doing alone. Ds loooves rock climbing and goes every week. Maybe hunt out a one off session and see how he gets on. Ds goes to xscape...

Nothing "gay" about rock climbing.. Think your dh is a bit out of order saying that to be honest.

StephanieByng · 01/12/2008 22:11

Your Dh sounds - well, I'm not going to finish that sentence

I think rock climbing sounds great - maybe get him a book from the library with great pictures of mad people hanging from huge rocks without a safety rope and even his (oh so qualified to comment ) father couldn't say that was 'gay'.