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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother is being unreasonable here....?

31 replies

ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 10:33

My mother's mother passed away almost 10 years ago. Since the day she died, gran's house has stood empty, exactly as she left it. All her clothes are still in the wardrobe, all her linens in the drawers, all her letters in the bureau (all under a think coat of dust and cobwebs).

My mother is constantly complaining for lack of money. I feel it is a waste (and unhealthy) to let gran's house just decay. I have been told by an agent that it would let for £700 pcm.

I have mentioned this many times to my mother but she won't hear of it, saying she is worried the house will get ruined and does not want to throw away the furniture. Admittedly the furniture is nice, or was. I have said she could pay for storage with the rental proceeds but she won't have that either. It is as though she wants to preserve it forever as some sort of shrine. My mother lives in a real mess herself and is a notorious hoarder - never throwns anything away, even rubbish (ancient newspapers etc) but the state of her own house is another story...

I am not sure how to proceed with this problem (it is my problem as well as she moans to me everyday, and obviously I want to help). I suspect she just can't be bothered/ can't face the thought of anyone clearing out. She gets really angry if I push the subject (sorting house out). Should I just leave it? The whole situation is getting me down.

OP posts:
girlandboy · 01/12/2008 10:36

Would you mother be uncomfortable about selling the house, as opposed to having to supervise a tenant?

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 10:36

No, she won't hear of selling it!

OP posts:
beanieb · 01/12/2008 10:37

Tell her that unless she's prepared to do something about it then please stop mentioning it all the time to you. That way you get none of the hassle and she can carry on doing things her own way. Sorted.

DaisyMooSteiner · 01/12/2008 10:38

The hoarding, not throwing rubbish away combined with leaving your mum's house untouched makes me wonder if she's got psychiatric problems. Does she have any other symptoms of OCD?

mabanana · 01/12/2008 10:39

hmm, sounds to me as if your mother has a form of depression or mental illness, so it will be difficult to persuade her with reasoned argument. I don't really know what to suggest. Has she always been like this? Can you say, come on mum, I've got this quote for storage and I'm going to organise it for next week unless you ring them to say no, or would she hate that?

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 10:40

I am also wondering if she has problems. Occasionally she will have a 'clear up' at home, which involves gathering the old papers up and storing them in a corner in carrier bags, she then proudly tells me she has tidied up. (I throw them away when she is not looking, a few at a time, othrwise she gets cross. She never notices.) It's as if she has a compulsion to keep things.

OP posts:
girlandboy · 01/12/2008 10:41

Would your mum be prepared to live in it instead, and do something else with her house?

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 10:43

Girlandboy - it's a possibility, although she would then have the problem of her own house standing empty full of rubbish (ie un-rentable).

OP posts:
girlandboy · 01/12/2008 10:49

It was just a thought especially if she feels close in some way to her mum's house.

It could be an ideal opportunity though to clear her house of rubbish. After all, not many removal men take huge piles of old newspapers. It could be done a bit at a time, with you stashing crap in the boot of your car (assuming you have one!) and disappearing down the tip!!

Sneaky I know, but it's the sort of thing I would do.

AnnVan · 01/12/2008 11:44

Sounds to me like your mother is a compulsive hoarder, and if that is the case your gran's house, furniture etc are another part of the hoard. Compulsive hoarders CANNOT get rid of anything. My father knew a man who had this problem, and his wife and kids had to live in a house totally crowded by black sacks of crap that he wouldn't throw out. If his wife tried to get rid of anything, he would get violent. Saw a programme on TV about it as well, and the people they spoke to would 'clear up' but that would just result in them shifting the piles of stuff about. Maybe your Mum needs some help?

onthewarpath · 01/12/2008 11:52

I know it is 10 years on, but she might be still grieving. I have no experience in it but you might want to put a thread on the bereavement topic. It might be more common than we think to be grieving for so long and maybe someone who has actually gone through it all could help you find a way to understand your mother or to get through to her in a different way.

bigTillyMint · 01/12/2008 13:32

How old is your mother?

Has she always been a hoarder? Untidy?

My mother hoards what seems like everything, so much so it makes it difficult to clean. She is in her late 70's.

Does your mother own her mother's house - was it passed to her in the will?

thenewme · 01/12/2008 13:35

I feel so sorry for your mum.

She must miss her mother so much and maybe holds on to the house as a way of trying to hold on to her mum.

How about you suggest you clean up Granny's house so that your mum can start spending some time there and feel closer to her mum.

I wouldn't force the issue, it is her choice.

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 13:54

My mum is 75 and yes the house was passed to her, she was an only child. She has always been a bit messy, but the hoarding has got much worse lately - so much so I am worried about my 17m son going there. When I was there last week I found a little glass jar, the sort you sometimes buy desserts in. She was keeping it as it was 'pretty' but had not washed it up and it stank. I am concerned for the hygiene. If I question why it is dirty she just flares up and say 'oh I don't know, I have so much to do'

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 13:55

Maybe it is the onset of dementia or something?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 01/12/2008 13:58

ilovejonty - I actually think your mother needs bereavement counselling. She hasn't come to terms with the death of her mother and is obviously a great "holder onto the past" as her hoarding habit demonstrates.

Can you talk to your mother about this or perhaps to her GP who can put you (both) onto a bereavement counsellor?

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 01/12/2008 14:00

It does sound like there is something going on ilovejonty. is she rational about other things? Would she accept if you said that you would come over one day and help her clean/tidy her house to start off with?

We are going through something similar with my Mum. Not hoarding but she is totally convinced my Dad is up to something with a male neighbour. Nothing anyone can say will convince her otherwise. She did have a mild stroke in April and has gotten worse since although the paranoia was going on for around 6 months before that.

Katisha · 01/12/2008 14:00

Does she ever actually go to her mother's house?

It sounds a terrible situation and a real waste of money in these times.

Sounds like you either need to drop it completely and ask her not to go on about it if she intends to do nothing. Or else take over and start the clearance/tidy-up proceedings. Sometimes on those declutter programmes people are totally incapable of doing it themselves but are so much better when its been done for them.

Hard for you to know which call to make though.

bigTillyMint · 01/12/2008 14:01

Well, that's what I was wondering. I don't think my mother is suffering though - she has always been a messy, hoarding whatsit!
And when I (and DH) voiced our concern about the state of her house, she was persuaded into sorting out some stuff and getting a cleaner in once a week.

Do you have siblings / other family or friends who you could discuss her behaviour with as they know her too?

Anna8888 · 01/12/2008 14:01

I agree with Katisha's point - some people cannot declutter themselves but are actually grateful when someone does it for them.

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 14:04

I have offered to help before. Usually accepted initially but she gets angry mid way and refuses to throw things away - saying 'we-ll do that another day' when it's only 2pm and I'm dying to crack on.

I really appreciate all your comments by the way, I am a bit ashamed to discuss this in 'real life' - when I do, people look at me as if my mother is mad (which sadly she may be)

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/12/2008 14:06

But does she go there? And if so what does she do there?

Original poster
ilovejonty · 01/12/2008 14:12

She goes there maybe once every 2 months but doesn't do anything. I went with her a while back to see what it wass like and was struck by the stale stench. (Gran had a cat..) I am concerned because of (a) wasted financial opportunity (b) security/ burglary and (c) selfishly, that I will have to do it sooner or later anyway when she passes on. I just wish I could make her see sense and have some enjoyment or financial reward which is what Gran would have wanted I'm sure.

I wish I could meet some of you and talk about this in real life!

OP posts:
Katisha · 01/12/2008 14:14

Can you go down the "this is NOT what Gran would have wanted" line?

I do sympathise - hoarding drives me demented - its so bloody sapping...

bigTillyMint · 01/12/2008 14:52

ilj, is there no-one else in RL who knows her and who you would feel comfortable talking to - just to get their opinion on her?

It sounds like she's quite stubbornly stuck in her ways (as my mother is!) even if she's not starting with dementiaAnnas comment about her being a great "holder onto the past" seems to ring very true for my mother too.

My mother always thinks I am having a go at her - we are like chalk and cheese in virtually every way - but when DH voiced concerns over the state of her house, she knew it must be true! (as she thinks the sun shines out of his a* for putting up with me!)

Is there anyone else who would speak to her about it, or back you up? - in the nicest possible way, of course!