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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel really upset that my 14 month old prefers his nannie above all others

19 replies

Joanna82 · 29/11/2008 16:58

I don't know if this will sound strange, or even immature and silly, but whenever my Mum is around my DS doesn't want to know me and it always leaves me feeling a bit low.

It's not just that he adores his Nannie (which is more than fine and lovely) but if I even try to pick him up and give him a hug when she's around he howls and reaches out for her. It can be quite embarassing in front of other people and my auntie even commented that it was 'weird'.

Now, I work full time (no choice I'm afraid)and my mum looks after him one day a week, so it isn't as though he sees her a lot less than he sees me (although I am the one to put him to bed every night and give him breakfast in the morning).

I suppose I'm wondering if this is normal? He is my first and I didn't have much experience of babies before he came along but when I studied psychology I learnt all about secure attachment to the mother etc. Shouldn't I be the centre of his world? At least at this young age ... I know that he'll find me hopelessly embarassing in a few years either way.

I feel so awful having to work such long hours as it is (I'm a student teacher) and miss him terribly. So when mum and I go out at the weekend and he doesn't even want a cuddle from me for most of the day it's just dreadful.

It's a stupid thing to say but I try so hard and really enjoy trying to be a fun, affectionate mother. I dote on him with all my heart.

Is this normal?

OP posts:
sparklestickchick · 29/11/2008 17:05

I think it is normal tbh at that age and stage babies just love whoever cares for them and although you do the bulk of it your mum in his eyes is probably more confident and bby friendly- its lovely although i understand your hurt .......wait til hes 18 months and your sat on the loo and hes on your knee then youll know he loves you!!!!.

Ronaldinhio · 29/11/2008 17:10

yes yabu

Broodymomma · 29/11/2008 20:13

Oh I dont think yabu. My son was exactly the same so unaffectionate with me it broke my heart. He never wanted kisses or cuddles and it caused more than a few tears for me! However tonight i put him down to bed and for the first time he came to me for a big cuddle then blew me a kiss. My heart almost jumped out my chest it was the best moment since he has been born. He is 20 months old today so i waited a long time but your lo will get there in the end. He knows who is mum is and i bet he just feels so secure with you knowing that you are always there no matter what - he doesnt have to be all over you to prove that. Trust me it will change - give it time xxx

StephanieByng · 29/11/2008 20:30

Actually I think by showing a preference for your mum when she's about, he IS showing he has a secure attachment to you! It's very normal. He knows you are mum, he can rely on you, you will be there when you want him, so he is free to enjoy the novelty of time with gran.

Keep giving him lots of love, kisses and cuddles and telling him he is the best thing in the universe, and when he is old enough, it will all come back to you

chipmonkey · 29/11/2008 20:35

Joanna, I will never forget the day I came home from working a 12 hour day expecting ds1 to run into my arms when he looked past me and shouted "Nanna!" and rushed into her arms! And this was MIL, not my Mum which was worse!
All babies love their Nannas, it's the chocolate buttons in the handbag! And the novelty factor as they don't see them as often. But rest assured he knows who his Mummy is. Oh and forget what you learnt in psychology, actual Mums know its a load of rubbish!

GinghamRibbon · 29/11/2008 20:39

It's lovely.

I have never had a hang up about my kids calling their Childminder by her name. Only, my DD calls me that as well. I find it funny as she decided that 'Mummy' was translated as 'Joanne'. So I was Joanne for a fair few months

monkeymonkeymonkey · 29/11/2008 20:40

I agree. He is secure, which is why he feels able to ignore you!

GinghamRibbon · 29/11/2008 20:41

Sorry I didn't explain that very well. As they get older, they will want you. Only you and that's that.xx

JacksFirstChristmasMama · 29/11/2008 20:41

YANBU IMO. Ouch. That must hurt.
((((HUG))))

GinghamRibbon · 29/11/2008 20:42

Sorry I didn't explain that very well. As they get older, they will want you. Only you and that's that.xx

spicemonster · 29/11/2008 20:46

Mine did this for ages when he was younger but now he's 20 months, it's really easing off and he'll reach out for me from her arms. I used to hate it too but I told myself that it was great that he loved other people too and that is the only way to think of it. It's brilliant that he loves other people and what a lucky little boy he is to have a nannie like that

ketal · 29/11/2008 21:48

Agree with the others. It is because he is so attached to you that he can go off to others...

My DDs are incredibly attached to my mother, that they have been known to do similar things to your DS. And yes, the first few times it does hurt. But, now I feel incredibly lucky that I have two little girls who have very secure relationships with a mummy, daddy and nanny who are all an integral part of their lives. I feel lucky that my girls have someone else so stable in their lives, and who they can turn to, should they ever need it. It is hard at first, but actually it is a positive too, and I think you have got to look for that!

hester · 29/11/2008 21:57

My dd (3) adores me, but I am chopped liver when my mum is around. The other day she told me she wanted me and dp to "go and live in the dark and scary forest so that I can live with Granny"

It's normal. Be glad you have given your ds the gift of a wonderful relationship when his gran. But relax: you are the centre of his world. I think at 14 months they often don't show affection in unambiguous ways. dd didn't start saying "I love you" and throwing her arms round me till she was over 2.

ithinkimtallandblonde · 30/11/2008 12:45

Toally normal imo soon you'll be glad of the peace this will give you.

Colditz · 30/11/2008 12:51

It's a pity babies don;t get the same lectures on psychology, development and attachment as we do. It would save a lot of heartache.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 30/11/2008 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pointydog · 30/11/2008 12:55

perfectly normal reaction fro m your ds and a very understandable one from you.

You should feel happy, though, that your ds has the chance to enjoy such a lovely relationship with your mum. Try to see the positive side to that. Lots of small children enjoy giving their affection to one adult more than another. It doesn't mean he loves you any less - not one bit. SO try not to let it bother you!

chipmonkey · 30/11/2008 17:07

LOL at hester's dd!

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/11/2008 19:15

perfectly normal

as others have said BECAUSE he is secure, he can happily love other people

he will always love you,just that he can love others as well as you

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