To expect DH to help with the baby?

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Well I really don't think I am BU but would like some comments

Have a 5 mth old DS who isn't a great sleeper. A lot of the time he's awake every hour in the night. I'm constantly the one who's getting up in the night. DH's excuse is that he's out to work every day, so fair enough, I leave him to sleep and keep DS as quiet as I can in the night (although this excuse obviously doesn't hold water at weekends, when DH still doesn't help out).

DH has been off work all week (to use up hols) but still hasn't helped out in the night. When I ask him (around 3,4ish when I'm shattered), he'll comfort DS to sleep for that one time, buy then the rest of the 'shift' is left to me again. I am bf, but I only spend about 20 mins bf in total at night, compared to the many hours awake.

Then this morning, when DS obviously wants to get out of bed at 8am, shouting etc, I am the one to get him up, leaving DH lying in bed (with his eyes closed pretending to sleep). Ye3terday he slept until 11am when I got him up - he said he felt ill with a cold but I've had it too, all week.

I am exhausted and really fed up that DH sees all this as my job (he does help during the day and in the evenings, it's just nightimes that are the problem). Also he wonders why I'm not intersted in sex these days - I tell him I'm shattered but he has no idea

Can you express enough milk for a couple of days and go and stay with friends/family on your own tonight?
I did it when ds was about 4 mnths as had enough of the lack of help and support. I went away friday evening the minute dp got in from work and came home sunday evening, just to show him what it's like to have to do it on your own.
He still needs reminding sometimes, but now he lays in on a saturday and I lay in on a sunday

YANBU but have you talked to him about this? How about devising a rota? I hate the 'I've got to work' excuse for not helping at night - what does he think you're doing all day? Sitting on your bum? Honestly! But he probably just doesn't realise - too many men need it spelling out for them, sadly.

I'd say sit down with him and say you're very unhappy with how things are at the moment. Say you know lots of other couples who have a 50:50 agreement - you both do 50% of the entire work needed to run the household and that work includes the earning money work. So while he's out of the house, you do all the child/house work, and when he's in the house, you divvy up 50:50 - it's the only fair way of doing it. Can you do one night on; one night off? Or give him a kick when it's his turn to settle the baby?

Also, are you co-sleeping? If you're bfing, you'll get a lot more sleep by doing that as baby will probably not wake so often and you won't have to wake up properly to settle him - just cuddle him up a bit closer and drop off to sleep again.

((((hugs))))

You are allowing him to do this.

Stop complaining about it on here and start laying down some basic rules, like, when you are not working the next day, you deal with the baby in the night, and at weekends we take it turns to get up in the morning.

TBH you should have siad all this week one. If I had some one who would just get on and do everything whilst I slept, I'd let them too, and thier secret seething resentment would probably not bother me or enter my consciousness whilst I sweetly dreamt.

He doesn't help because he doesn't have to, you do it!

Get tough, stop winging and do something.

annthecat I have brought this up with him many times and we have had many rows about it. He thinks that helping out once a night occasionally is doing his bit, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind. His excuse when I brought it up last night was that all I do to get DS to sleep is to 'shove my tit in his face'. I was disgusted with this and we haven't spoken since. It is 10.35 and he is still not out of bed

lindenlass you're approach is very sensible. DH thinks I should be sleeping during the day when DS is. What he fails to acknowledge is that the only way I can get DS to sleep during the day is to go out in the car or out a walk or on my knee on the sofa, none of which are conducive to me sleeping. He is living in cloud cuckoo land and driving me mad.

I do co-sleep and this is much easier than actually getting up in the night

littleboyblue I'd love to do that, I really wish I had family nearby. I have thought of sleeping in the spare room and doing a similar thing!

Why are you not upstairs pouring water on his head then?

You are allowing this. You are sitting here complaining while he sweetly sleeps.

Go upstairs, put the baby on the bed with him, wake him up and tell him you will see him at 11 tonight when you come back from the pub. See ya.

And don't do what i know know you are doing right now, and sigh and roll your eyes, nd say "Ha! If only...!"

Go and do it.

well?

Unless you have any serious anxiety that your DP will hurt or neglect the baby, then do exactly what Colditz suggested.

If you genuinely think he might either abandon the baby and go out, or lose his temper, then you need to think seriously about getting rid of him.

My dh works. He is away from the home from 8 until 7 most days.

When our two dd's (now 5 and 3 )were babies he always did the 8pm to 1am shift to enable me to get some sleep and then I was responsible for any wakings after that. He frequently worked in the evenings on his laptop with a baby in one arm after walking round the village for an hour to get her asleep.

Go and wake him, hand him the baby and go and have a rest/cup of tea/read a magazine in the spare room.

It is his child he needs to share the responsibility.

(either that or send him over to my house for the day and he will see what a cushy number you are giving him and he will be eternally grateful)

I dont think people need to be so harsh on the OP. She is having a bit if a crap time of late and has come on here to get advice not be told to put up or shut up.

I think the other posters have made very constructive comments. Maybe it would also be worth talking to your HV about his lack of sleeping at night. He must do his fair share, you can not carry on running yourself into the ground like this. You will make yourself ill.

Elk you husband sounds fab.... does he have a brother?

i just refuse to get up when i'm too tired to get up.about once a week i just keep my eyes closed and let dp get up. your dp wont bare to here lo crying. if he has the nerve to tell you to get up. bite the head of him and commence on a torment of abuse. then blame it on the damn hormones not settling for at least a year. and your tiredness.

after that he'll get the hint. and realise if your not getting up as soon as lo cries then its his turn.

i have been known to harm shove dp out of bed when he tries to pretend he's sleeping and cant hear lo .and i mean literally shove him out and star fish.

This is what happens when women don't work full time. I was back at work when all 5 babies were 2 weeks old and I earned more than my husband so he had no power nor desire to allow sexist patterns to develop at home. Although to be fair with the twins I did the night waking as I breastfed and then my husband did every night waking for the 2 years after that (and there were a lot).

One answer is you breastfeed adn then hand the baby to your husband for the Friday and Saturday nights and you get 2 hours sleep in bed on Sat and Sunday aftenroon too when he must take the baby out.

What many women do is moan but enable the behaviour they do not like in others and then have only themselves to blame adn rows aren't the answer. Keep telling him how brilliant he is with the baby. Also why not announce you're going back to full time work and he needs to find a nrusery nanny or childminder. That will make him sit up and take notice and money often gives power in a relationship too. It's when women have to rely on men for money that things go down hill.

lol elmo, like that idea

Well he got up and we had a serious chat. He is tidying the house as we speak and has said he will share the nightshift in future. He says I need to wake him up to do it as he often doesn't hear lo

Thanks spooky

Thank you all for the comments - some good pointers on there for if/when it happens again!

Xenia I normally work FT but am still on mat leave

So unless you go back to work full time your husband can behave like an arse?

beany assume you're talking to xenia?

Sorry yes Allnew,glad you have had chat with dh

xenia - not all relationships have the same dynamics as yours. in mine whereby dp is higher earner for example.

and why would it be oh job to find a nanny? because he is lower earner?? so in that case in my house hold that would be my job? certainly not my dp. as he earns more thn enough to for me to stay at home. dp would rather i stay at home to raise our children. but if i want to go back to work he's supportive. but it's up to me to find suitable chidcare as he already works all hours of the day. dp works strange hours. and never has same couple of hours off. if i were to go into regular work dp would never see me or dc.he cant say when he'll be away from his businesses. all depends on how busy and if all staff turn up. everyday is different.

i feel you attitude towards your husband is the same as a sexist man. your post gives the impression you go to work and expect your dh to look after dc arrangements as he's the lower earning. thats still sexist. not equal at all.

as for rows. i have 2 choices in my house. have an arguement to resolve an issue or leave dp.

as simply talking goes in one ear and out the other. completely washes over him. when i've tackled him before about this he says its because if i'm not upset about something them it cant be that much of an issue to me. (he's italian, suppose he's bred that way )

and i would never go back to work full time atm. i love the pre school years too much. i only have a few prescious years before they go to school full time and i'm free to go back to work full time.these years are truly amazing. and i would never miss watching my dc reaching any of their miles stones.

I work parttime as a barrister my dh is the same.I have been quite ill with second pregnancy and would be very angry if he didnt help me cos i was earning less.

xenia, if you were happily married I could understand you dispensing your pearls of wisdom to all and sundry. As it is you had to divorce an abusive husband and give him a million pound pay off.

So you advising on family dynamics/relationships is like putting hitler in charge of the race relations board.

OP, Ditto on the co-sleeping, I get far more sleep cuddled up to DS. Sometimes I just take DS to bed early, like 6 or 7pm and catch up on sleep that way. All the best, things seem so hard when you are not getting enough sleep.

*lowenergylightbulbU, Your post is below the belt I don't agree with Xenia's posts but she is intitled to her own views, without you mud slinging.

entitled - opps NAKing

May well be. We were married for 19 years and we did have a reasonably equitable split of domestic duties over those times.

I just suspect some women tolerate sexist men and enable them to be as they are and others don't and it often comes down to how the woman ensures she is treated fairly that matters as much as the man not asking to help.

On the issue of if you earn more do you get more say in things I suspect that does go on in a lot of marriages although I don't think in ours it did. Like most couples we found childc are today, interviewed nannies together and then divided tasks up fairly eg he dealt with the washing and I dealt with school bags and plaiting the girls' hair etc.

The best solutoin is often to pick up the baby once it's fed, dump it next to the man and then go into the spare room and lock the door (locking the door being key to this process) and then not coming out for 2 hours. Any breastfed baby can survive after a feed for 2 hours without its mother.

I think this is nothing to do with working women, but everything to do with women enabling men's, or anyones, selfish behaviour and taking on a mantle of victimhood.

There are steps you can take to ensure your DP does not and cannot behave in this way, such as those recommended on this thread, but some women choose victimhood, for a variety of complex reasons, and are actually ore comfortable in the role of victim then the role of asertive take no s**t women (that would be terrible!)

It may sound harsh, and it is much more sympathetic on the surface to say, poor you he's such a b*t*d and give tips for coping with the baby, but actually the real issue is then not being addressed.

and xenia, I know working women who wear the role of vistim very well, more so than others because they work and still have to do all the kid/house chores becuse he's so useless!!

make yourself useless, it's a usefull skill to havesometimes.

I think it's a lot more below the belt to pop up on every single thread about relationships/family dynamics and tell women that all their problems could be resolved if they went out and got a job.