To rather resent being threatened with 'disciplinary action' over this one...

[ravenAK]

I'm a teacher. Haven't missed a parents' evening in 9 years (except when on ML, obviously). Supposed to be at one this evening.

On Friday, dh springs on me that he HAS to be away with work today & tomorrow, involving an overnight stay.

There's really no way the 3 dc (aged 8 months to 4 years) can be looked after until 9pm in his absence. We spend the weekend looking at ways of throwing money at the problem (well, I do. Dh thinks it frankly ridiculous that I'm even contemplating an extra seventy quid childcare so that I can work late - he doesn't really 'get' the culture I work in...)

It's just not do-able. I inform Head of Year (organising the evening) on Monday, & make arrangements to ring parents who want appointments (7 of them) & discuss issues over phone/arrange individual meetings.

Headteacher hears about this today (poor communication - yes, I prob should have gone to see him myself - was told by HOY that it was unnecessary) & carpets me.

His take is that I am required to do the parents' evening & should spend my lunch hour ringing CM (ds & dd1) & MIL (dd2)& 'telling' them that I will be home 4 hours later than expected.

I point out that I had, actually, explored all options before declaring myself unable to attend, & that both CM & MIL have already made it clear that they can't keep the kids until 2 hours past their sodding bedtime...

Head mutters darkly about 'disciplinary action'.

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

[ravenAK]

Tbh, herbietea, I don't think I did cock up. (Rapidly losing the will to defend dh against this particular charge tho')

I consulted the person in charge of the Parents' Evening, on Monday, & said 'I can't make it '

I rang all 7 parents who'd requested appointments, all of whom were absolutely fine about it, & in at least two instances rather chuffed NOT to have to sort their own childcare & come into school if it could be done by phone!

My OP wasn't intended to be interpreted as 'AIBU to skive a parents' evening' - I would never normally do so, have never previously missed one, & it's a part of the job I value & enjoy.

It was 'AIBU to object to being threatened with disciplinary action because I can't magic up childcare at 3 hours notice when I've been told 3 days ago that my alternative arrangements are perfectly OK'

[myredcardigan]

Yes, Soapbox and Herbie, DH is a city lawyer and regularly works stupid hours. He has to have a shirt at work all the time in case he can't make it home.

But,he is always doing his job, working for his clients doing more of what he does day to day IYKWIM. Hewould never,ever ever volunteer to give up a Saturday to comein and clean the windows for instance (We came in and cleaned one half term as we had no cleaner) Nor would he give up time after work to do something nice for the admin staff.

I hate bloody netball but if I didn't give up one lunchtime each week plus one evening after school,the kids wouldn't get to do it, so I do. Doing this has no advantage or baering on my day to day work. I do it for the kids. I'd like to think it was give and take.

[ravenAK]

Sorry, Quattro, that isn't true.

I didn't 'elect not to try to find childcare'. I didn't have anyone available to do it, as I've already explained.

[ravenAK]

Any suggestions?

If there's a www.wecollectyourkidsfeedthemputthemtobed.com service I'm unaware of, that'd be handy information for me to have next time the wheels come off.

Although based on my current batting average, ds will be 13 rather than 4 by then, so practically old enough to babysit anyway...

[ravenAK]

Oh & sorry elkiesdee - I missed your posts in skimming but thank you

Bed!

[Mumi]

YABU.

"The fallout - on this one occasion - would've been potentially MUCH greater for his company than that caused by me not attending this evening."

I see a link between this and:

"Incidentally, all the parents are fine with it."

It's not as if they have a choice - do you see?

Upheaval through no fault of their own is all too often seen as a parents' lot. I know we're talking about the upheaval of your own DCs as well, but you and your DH are responsible for that. At my DS's school, if I as a parent missed an agreed parent's evening, I'd be in trouble too so I don't see why you shouldn't be!

If this is the nature of your DH's job, you should've arranged alternative childcare when informed of the date. At the time, either he should've taken it on the chin or you should've shelled out for childcare despite it not being ideal.

(Preferably billing your DP though ).

[ravenAK]

I'm getting a litle tired of clarifying this one.

My putative appointments were with 7 students, all of whose parents I had contacted & agreed a telephone discussion or separate meeting with.

I am routinely in contact with all of my students' parents by telephone, note & email, & have actually met with two of them in person this week.

There is no question of my not being available to talk to parents, & absolutely no parent who wants to talk to me in person has been deprived of an oportunity to do so, whether before the official start of school, at lunchtime, or after school.

[myredcardigan]

Hey, I stuck up for you!

[sandcastles]

I cannot believe that people are being so horrible to ravenAK ! Really, have many of you never had an unavoidable situation on your hands? It's rediculous!

Quattrocento, maybe people don't have all those people on hand to help out at short notice

My options would be

1. Me
2. DH
3. Mother (MIL helpful but has alot of commitment herself & would probably find it difficult to drop them at a few days notice)
4. Aupair - hahaha!
5. The local lady = Neighbours - Hmm, one side v questionable & the other side..never met them!
6. Our babysitter - who now?
7. Our cleaning lady - That's me!

Other options
Friend who already have 3 of her own, works as a nurse 3 of 5 weeknights & leave her less then useless hubby with her kids.

Another friend who is 13 weeks preg & quite poorly & has 2 dc herself.

Neither which I would expect to run aorund town collecting 3 dc's & feeding/bathing them!

[foxytocin]

yanbu.

speak to union rep to attend any meeting with you in the near future.

if head asks for a meeting, ask first 'concerning what' so wou can take rep or another colleague as your witness.

him just muttering "darkly about 'disciplinary action'." puts him in behaviour that can be construed as constructive dismissal.

[nooka]

If I was you I would be hopping mad with your dh for dumping you in this situation, and being so unsupportive. If he usually picks up the kids from their various childcare options, then it is his responsibility to sort out childcare if he has the sudden work crisis. I can see how covering for him in this circumstance would be very difficult. It is hard enough to get emergency childcare for an "ordinary" babysitting session, but getting someone to pick up from two different places and then babysit I would suspect is fairly impossible, unless you are lucky enough to know lots of nice driving and not busy people (this would be the minority of us, I would suspect).

You gave your HoY as much notice as you could, and the same for the parents, and you then give up more time to meet them if they want, when they want. If the Head has an issue with these arrangements I think he should have had it out with the HoY, who authorised it, not you. In any case what on earth would have been the point in you attending the parents evening when none of the parents were expecting you any more?

I don't think you are unreasonable to be pissed off at all.

[saadia]

Well, I think YANBU to be p**d off.

I'm not a teacher and as a parent I know that Parents' Evening is very important. One year ds1 had a supply teacher because his class teacher was off sick long-term so they cancelled Parents' Evening as the Supply Teacher had not been teaching the class for long enough. The whole thing was re-arranged for a later date. It was not a problem. As long as you are always available to parents in case they need to discuss something then I don't really see what the problem is, and you did clear it with the HoY.

[MadMarg]

I am in two minds when I read this thread. I mean, if it was a male who suddenly pulled out because they suddenly had childcare problems, most work places would raise their eyebrows and mutter about consequences. But because it is 'most' people are supportive, and deep down I just don't like that. I know, I know, that's just the way the world is, but I still don't like it.


I have no idea what 'disciplinary action' would entail in a situation like this. Would it be a note in your employment file?

I guess that I would lean toward YANBU for taking the time off, but YABU to not expect some consequences to this. You have admitted that your DH would face major consequences at work if he didn't turn up because of child care issues - well, why do you think you're exempt from consequences? You don't have to like it, but you do have to deal with it.

[MadMarg]

Oops, meant to say 'because it is a female 'most' peple are supportive.'

[rookiemater]

Actually another point is that if anyone should be up for disciplinary action it should be your boss.

You advised your manager HOY about your circumstances and he agreed your course of action. If that subsequently turned out not to be acceptable to his manager the Headteacher then he is the one that should carry the responsibility.

[JollyPirate]

No YANBU. I am a parent of a child who needs a lot of support in school. As a result I need more contact with the class teacher than many other parents. I would have more than understood if something like this came up for my DS's class teacher. Nor would I have thought her unreasonable for it.

You tried to find childcare at short notice and couldn't. You rang the parents and arranged telephone consultations or alternative appointments. I really do not see the big deal here and I think the head is being OTT in talking about disciplinary action.

For those who think the OP is being unreasonable I'd like to say congratulations - you all obviously have neat and tidy little worlds, with help on tap and blinkers which prevent you having to see the other side of the coin.

[ceciliaaherne]

Sorry if any of this has been said before - I haven't read the whole thread. You are contracted to do parents' evenings. Could your dh not have made alternative arrangements?
I think you are right to be p*ed off in that you were very honest about your predicament,but you probably should have spoken to your HT and he/she is right to hold you to the terms of the contract anyway. Personally, I would have called in sick all day- not ideal but then, getting time off on a teaching job is never easy (probably rightly so- so as not to wind up all non-teachers. We do have lots of perks- arranging time off at short notice is not one of them and unfortunatley requires a little white lie.)

[onthewarpath]

YANBU specially as you called all the parents and rearranged the meetings. Had someone complained to the head?

[mm22bys]

YANBU.

You contacted the parents involved and arranged an alternative time, and it doesn't appear from your OP that any of them were annoyed or inconvenienced.

The HT is making a mountain out of a molehill, he's not affected by you not being there, and the people who genuinely are (the parents) were happy with other times, so why is he so concerned?

[MilaMae]

In my experience as a teacher most heads don't mind rearranging parents evenings at all. I've known colleagues do parents evenings on other nights for a variety of reasons. This is primary though.

As long as you arrange it and give every parent the opportunity to speak to you(which you did) I don't see the problem. As a parent I wouldn't mind at all.

You are contracted to report to parents and do parents evening but as long as you do it and it is convenient for the parents you're surely fulfilling your obligations if it needs to be arranged at a different time. Most schools I worked in we arranged dates as a staff meeting,everybody bringing their diary so this sort of thing doesn't happen. A last minute crisis is obviously different and most heads would be understanding.

The hours of work we teachers do in the evenings and weekends on top of staying late most evenings and having to take holidays and medical appointments to fit in with school holidays I think any head who begrudges a bit of rearranging and is so heavy handed is very unreasonable.

[cheeset]

HOY needs to take some responsibility IMO. If he'd of mentioned it, the op wouldn't be in this situation.

No, YANBU.

[unavailable]

Dis HT definitely say you would be disciplined or just bluster about not attending being a disiplinary matter? Which in theory, I guess it is.)

[AxisofEvil]

Raven - seeing as you're desperate for an au pair surely this situation (threated with disciplinary proceedings) is perfect to explain to your DH why your family needs one.

[piscesmoon]

I think the majority of parent's evenings are not child friendly. When I had a DC at the start of secondary school I had toddlers at home and the whole thing was a nightmare, DH wasn't home and even if I kept them up, I needed someone to feed them when I was out. It would be simpler for all if they had a start time of 8pm because parents and teachers could get their DCs into bed, for a babysitter, before they left.