To rather resent being threatened with 'disciplinary action' over this one...

[ravenAK]

I'm a teacher. Haven't missed a parents' evening in 9 years (except when on ML, obviously). Supposed to be at one this evening.

On Friday, dh springs on me that he HAS to be away with work today & tomorrow, involving an overnight stay.

There's really no way the 3 dc (aged 8 months to 4 years) can be looked after until 9pm in his absence. We spend the weekend looking at ways of throwing money at the problem (well, I do. Dh thinks it frankly ridiculous that I'm even contemplating an extra seventy quid childcare so that I can work late - he doesn't really 'get' the culture I work in...)

It's just not do-able. I inform Head of Year (organising the evening) on Monday, & make arrangements to ring parents who want appointments (7 of them) & discuss issues over phone/arrange individual meetings.

Headteacher hears about this today (poor communication - yes, I prob should have gone to see him myself - was told by HOY that it was unnecessary) & carpets me.

His take is that I am required to do the parents' evening & should spend my lunch hour ringing CM (ds & dd1) & MIL (dd2)& 'telling' them that I will be home 4 hours later than expected.

I point out that I had, actually, explored all options before declaring myself unable to attend, & that both CM & MIL have already made it clear that they can't keep the kids until 2 hours past their sodding bedtime...

Head mutters darkly about 'disciplinary action'.

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

[twinsetandpearls]

sorry awful spelling.

[starbear]

ravenAK You have my full sympathy. DH is a teacher and middle management in a secondary school is less child friendly than my own job. He works every evening running sports events and weekends but the senior management don't give a toss. If he has to have time off during the day for family reasons they always cut his pay and are completely unreasonable. They don't take into account all the free time he gives them. When I had to work at short notice,we had no one to look after DS we sneaked him into school and the 6th formers looked after him. Very naughty will never be able to get away with it again and I don't think we could hide three.

[twinsetandpearls]

But in most jobs if you take time off for family reasons it would be unpaid and those jobs don;t have the long holidays.

[pooka]

I think it is unreasonable because the OP is expecting to be able to not fulfill one important part of her teaching role (parents' evening) as a result of her dh's cock-up.

That's fine - but it is unreasonable for her to expect there not to be consequences, whether that is an muttering of disciplinary action, or stern words.

Obviously by the time the headteacher knew about it, it was too late for the childcare arrangements to be put in place. But surely it would not be impossible to make alternative childcare arrangements, along the lines of getting a babysitter/emergency nanny/friend/relative to step in. Or to ring the parents involved to see whether it would be possible to compress the 7 appointments into one more manageable chunk.

So broadly, yes a (presumably) satisfactory alternative had been arranged. BUt that does not remove the fact that a teacher is expected to attend a parents' evening.

[harpsichordcarrier]

no, YANBU
your dh has an unavoidable situation
you have family responsibilities
seriously, what sort of babysitter will pick up 3 children from two different places and put them to bed.
you have met your responsibilities to talk to parents.
your family comes first.
suggesting you tell someone that theyshould look after your children for four more hours and threatening disciplinary action is (a) bang out of order (b) arrogance of the highest order (c) totally unreasonable in the employment context

[pooka]

INcidentally, I would not have been cross if this had been dd's teacher. But then I am not her boss!

[wonderstuff]

Its part of directed time isn't it. I can understand why you did what you did, and the HOY was happy, so YANBU. We have to stay the whole of parents eve, regardless of how many appointments we have and when they are, in case parents want to just turn up. I would have gone to the head when I found out there was an issue and hoped she was having a good day. But the expectations at my school are clearer really.

It annoys me that employers expect family life to go on hold for short notice over night trips. DH recently had to do a week away and it was a nightmare having to organise for someone to take dd to nursery as I have to leave too early to be able to get there.

LOL at prison sentence/cult

[ItsNELLyChristmas]

Oh dear this is going to turn into a holidays argument:

Twinset: teachers do not get paid for the holidays- our daily rate is paid for term time days only and then just spread out into 12 monthly payments. we all work overtime and have late nights in school and go in during the holidays.

This is not an argument about how long we work it is a question about whether raven deserves disciplinary action when she was faced with a situation beyond her control and did everything within her power to resolve it.

[pointydog]

your dh should either sort out the childcare or miss his work appointments. Why should he be able to just dump this on you? I'd be livid.

Also, it is pretty bad that you didn't make sure your head knew about this as soon as possible.

[harpsichordcarrier]

why do you say her dh's situation is a "cock-up"? the op says "it's a mahoosive company crisis thing"
I imagine that her dh's company is in deep financial shit like the half the rest of the world.
I expect that needs some attention. tbh.

[harpsichordcarrier]

pointydog, I don't see why you should criticise the OP for not telling the head. she told her line manager and her line manager told her it was unnecessary.

[bluejelly]

I think your head teacher was over-reacting. Of course it's inconvenient, but that's life, it's part of managing people.

Tell him to grow up and take the long view ( actually, on second thoughts...)

[ravenAK]

Because I don't have that sitter waiting to parachute down on her umbrella at 2 hors' notice, Quattro.

I'm expected to pick the kids up by 5pm (dh would usually do it, precisely because his job is usually far more flexible than mine).

Once I'd got CM & MIL to agree to schlep across town dropping the kids off (don't fancy my chances there), I'd've had to book an agency sitter who would agree to feed all 3 of them & get them to bed.

It might have been feasible had the Head got back to me on the day I said that I couldn't do tonight - although I'd already looked at the options at the weekend. By the time he spoke to me today, it really wasn't something that could happen.

Believe you me - grief from Head or no grief from Head - I'd far far rather do the bloody parents' evening (2 hours marking time interspersed with brief 10 minute chats, followed by a nice mid-week pint with colleagues). I look forward to them as a 'night off' from doing the mummy stuff!

It's interesting to see a variety of responses. For me, it's very obviously a case of just once in a blue moon, something has to give...

Incidentally, all the parents are fine with it.

[twinsetandpearls]

I am a teacher so know very well how the holidays work. I also know that teachers work overtime as I have just got in for work.

My point is that we have those holidays to do family commitments, appointments etc and therefore it is not unreasonable to expect 100% attendance unless there is severe illness.

I have said that I think disciplinary action is a step to far but RAVEN has agreed to directed time which includes parents evening,

[pooka]

Because Raven herself said that her dh didn't cross ref with her diary before he went ahead and booked the conference rooms, and that she is cross that he didn't check. From that I took it that it was a cock-up on his part.

[janeite]

I think you should have gone straight to the Head, rather than the HOY. However, he has over-reacted and it's not like you're just saying you can't go: you are making other arrnagements to speak to the parents. It certainly shouldn't warrant a threat of a disciplinary if this is the first time it's happened. If I were you, I would be cross with your dh though.

[pointydog]

missed the bit about your conversations with HOY.

[SixSpotBurnet]

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all.

If I were a parent with a child in your class, I'd be quite happy to come and have a chat with you another time. Tbh I always find parents' evening at the DSs' school a bit of a zoo - they always have it in a big hall, and I think I must be a bit deaf, but I really struggle to hear what the teachers are saying. Would much prefer a quiet chat some other time!

[starbear]

I do think DH was out of order and should have sorted out the childcare for HIS children.

[janeite]

arrangements - sorry - have got computer cross eyes!

[BananaFruitBat]

From a slightly different angle...

YABU. To attend a parent's evening I also have to arrange childcare and make sure DH plans his work so he can leave a little early on the day. I would be quite angry if I then had to cancel and rearrange everyone (babysitters/DH's work) because the teacher couldn't make it. I cannot believe that a decent discussion can take place on the phone. There's always going to be things you wish you'd mentioned.

[daisy5678]

I'm also a teacher and also had Parents' Evening tonight and totally get the nightmare of OH not being able to cover and then what do you do?

My HT is v good about Parents' Evenings. They allowed a member of staff to miss all of them in a year because they were on an evening course that had to be on that day, and the only 'consequence' is that you have to ring all the parents. Some staff at my school never attend. It's seen as a bit voluntary - you sign up if you're doing it (though don't know what the leadership people do about those who never sign up)

YANBU. At all.

[pooka]

But the head didn't know about it until today (according to OP).

I agree completely that actually going ahead with disciplinary action would be an overreaction. I just don't agree that muttering darkly about it is unreasonable. IYSWIM.

[pointydog]

100% attendance unless there is severe illness??

Bloody hell. What about life? Or do we just get so stressed out by juggling perfectly all the time that we bring a sever illness on ourselves.