To rather resent being threatened with 'disciplinary action' over this one...

[ravenAK]

I'm a teacher. Haven't missed a parents' evening in 9 years (except when on ML, obviously). Supposed to be at one this evening.

On Friday, dh springs on me that he HAS to be away with work today & tomorrow, involving an overnight stay.

There's really no way the 3 dc (aged 8 months to 4 years) can be looked after until 9pm in his absence. We spend the weekend looking at ways of throwing money at the problem (well, I do. Dh thinks it frankly ridiculous that I'm even contemplating an extra seventy quid childcare so that I can work late - he doesn't really 'get' the culture I work in...)

It's just not do-able. I inform Head of Year (organising the evening) on Monday, & make arrangements to ring parents who want appointments (7 of them) & discuss issues over phone/arrange individual meetings.

Headteacher hears about this today (poor communication - yes, I prob should have gone to see him myself - was told by HOY that it was unnecessary) & carpets me.

His take is that I am required to do the parents' evening & should spend my lunch hour ringing CM (ds & dd1) & MIL (dd2)& 'telling' them that I will be home 4 hours later than expected.

I point out that I had, actually, explored all options before declaring myself unable to attend, & that both CM & MIL have already made it clear that they can't keep the kids until 2 hours past their sodding bedtime...

Head mutters darkly about 'disciplinary action'.

AIBU to be thoroughly pissed off?

[moondog]

Oh. Wish I worked there then.

[Quattrocento]

The best thing that I can suggest going forward is to find a good babysitter whom you trust to cover for these situations.

[wonderstuff]

[pointydog]

oh I hate all this nonsense about how fantastic and well-run the private sector is compared to public. Such tosh. Money oils many cogs and clouds many eyes.

[twinsetandpearls]

What or who is the for?

[wonderstuff]

Moondog wishing she worked at my school. I think I know where she is coming from but its quite stressful at the mo.

[Quattrocento]

There is a difference in attitude to work generally though Pointy. DH and I come across countless culture clashes. This thread is interesting because of all the YANBU responses. Frankly I'd have been shot if I'd pulled a similar stunt. Culturally they are very different places to be and work ...

[ravenAK]

Okay, hang on, thread moving fast!

'Contractual agreement' - OK, Twinset, although we are in excess of the recommended number of parents' evenings tbh.

& I do them willingly. Every time. This once I explained that I was stuffed for childcare - person organising said fair do's - Head then threw a wobbly.

OK, not his fault that he didn't know until today - but equally, I'd been assured by the person in charge that everything was in order.

Dropdeadfred, my MIL doesn't actually work for me. She looks after my youngest two days a week, from 8-5. It's a favour & by 5pm she is knackered.

[wonderstuff]

I think it depends on where you work in the private sector and what you do, if you are in the city it is very different to an sme in the provinces.

[BananaFruitBat]

I do see your point - there was nothing you could do. BUT if DS's teacher cancelled at short notice and I had to rearrange everything I would be livid. IMO the head was right to moan at you.

(Although I do think disciplinary action was a bit far.)

[Dropdeadfred]

I understand that your MIL would perhaps not be happy and she sounds a greta help already...but just once, could you really not have asked her?

[CarGirl]

my Mils is fit & healthy & in her 50's and looking after our 3 is a bit much for her - especialy the tea time & bed bit I really wouldn't want to ask her to do it.

[wonderstuff]

I don't think as a parent I'd be livid, I'm assuming with only 9 appts and so many eves this is a secondary, so the parents don't have to cancel going to parents evening, they just have the conversation over the phone with one teacher at there convenience, not a massive deal really?

[pointydog]

You wouldn't be shot. You would have got a bollocking and told that on your salary you could pay the £70 necessary to cover yourself as there are loads of sitting/nannying services round about.

[pointydog]

out of interest, quatt, what do you do when a child is sick?

[Tortington]

THINK i have the measure of this one.

you were in the wrong having to cancel your attendance at parents evening. However i do not think the appropriate response by the head was threats about a disciplinary.

of course, lots of us face dilemas such as this and i am sure in your situation there is little most of us could have done about it.

i am certain that communication between you and your dp will in future, be more thorough as to prevent such an occurance happening again.

Of course he is much to blame in this situation, and if you think that he is under the impression that his job and his job committments supercede yours , then this is a matter which you need to deal with at home.

[ravenAK]

She's 72, & lives in a bungalow because she can't do stairs. We have 3 under-5s & live in a 4-storey terrace. Seriously now - no, she couldn't.

Quattro, I'm not 'pulling a stunt'. I couldn't make this one parents' evening - in nine years', first one I've missed - in exactly the way that very occasionally I nmight need to be at home with a sick kid - dh does the lion's share of those. I consulted the person in charge & was told it was OK.

As for organising a 'good babysitter' - again, I really can't think where I'd find one I could ring at lunchtime, once in a blue moon, & say 'Collect 3 kids from different ends of town, will you, forage something from our kitchen for tea, then put them to bed'

In my experience such paragons tend to have regular childcare commitments already.

[pointydog]

lol @ custy - sounds like you've slowly chewed through every post

[Quattrocento]

AHA! Well the secret of the working gal is to have lots and lots of people in reserve ... This is the reserve list in order of priority:

1. Me if I can do it which I mostly can't
2. DH if he can do it which is only when he is not in court
3. Mother if she can do it, which is only when she is okay about it because we overuse her
4. Aupair if we have one that is not demented (our last one disappeared and the jury's out on whether we ever have another) and is prepared to miss her language class
5. A lady who lives close to us whom the DC's have known all their lives and doesn't work and will help out in an emergency
6. Our babysitter if she is around and not at college
7. Our cleaning lady if she is not on holiday and is prepared to help out

[ravenAK]

Custardo, nine times out of ten mine takes priority - I earn more as it happens & not that it's particularly relevant...

This was a genuine 'You WILL be in Anytown (200 miles away) next week' type emergency for dh.

The situation was such that he leapt into action, booked everything, THEN came home & said 'oh btw...'

To which I responded 'WTF? I've got a Parents' Evening!'

So yes, it got rather dumped on me. Honestly though, he couldn't've gone back on Monday & said 'Cancel everything. Dw has a Parents' Evening'. The fallout - on this one occasion - would've been potentially MUCH greater for his company than that caused by me not attending this evening.

[ravenAK]

Quattro - would you mind awfully coming round here & shouting 'Raven needs a bloody au pair, goddamnit!' v loudly in dh's ear?

Believe me, with me you're preaching to the choir

[starbear]

Quattro, I'm glad your sticking by your man. Is it always TDA or the bank jobs that get him into court.

[BennyAndJoon]

my people in reserve

1. DH if he is allowed away from work and will not be considered AWOL
2. parents and ILs, 2.5 and 3.5 hours away
3. erm that's it

and I work full time

work know that I have turned in despite dire personal circumstances when they were in trouble, and they cut me some slack in return

this sounds like some slack should have been cut and yanbu

[Tortington]

ah good.

[glasgowstyle]

Happened at my kids school - the teacher sent a note home which said that only those that needed to actually see the teacher would get a call & that all other parents were free to call & arrange a time if they wanted. There was no problem and everyone understood. Don't see why the headteacher here is making such as fuss?