To be annoyed at MIL for not wanting to come to DDs party?

[chloemegjess]

Hi. This is my first AIBU thread!

We had just decided to hire a hall for DDs birthday. DH rang MIL and straight away got told they would not be coming if FIL goes.

We are not going to not invite FIL as he is always the one left out and would be really upste. ANd he is mature enough to not care if she is there so I don't really want her to get her own way.

They split up Years ago - about 8 years ago! They both have long term partners that they have been with for years - before I came on the scene.

AIBU to think this is really immature? And we always get stuck in the middle of it all. MIL and all her family didn't come to our wedding which caused loads of arguements.

IF MIL doesn't come, that takes away that whole side of the family - probably 20 or so people so it then wouldn't be worth hiring the hall.

The main thing I am worried about, is next summer, we are hoping to have both of our DC Christened and will def hire out a hall etc then and don't want that ruined by all this.

It is just always them who get in the way of anything. It does my head in. But I know if I say anything they will all think I am BU. (We didn't really get on untill DD was born).

Your DH needs to tell his mother to grow up.

Snap,

Im in same situation.

FIL is happy with new partner and baby, but MIL is still bitter.

She won't come to anything if he is there

Its HER missing out.

I don't care anymore.

YANBU. If she just didn't fancy being around a load of hyped up kids then I would say fair enough, but to be being controlling about things is unfair.

MIL & FIL split up over 20 years ago very, very acrimoniously. They bothe get invited to parties and both come - they just sit on opposite sides of the room and avoid each other.
Tell DH to tell her to farking well grow up and stop spoiling things for a small child because she wants to be selfish, childish and the centre of attention

If it was JUST her then I wouldn't mind as it is no loss to us. But obviously if she doesn't go then nor will her DP, SIL is like her mini me who never leaves her side, which then takes away SIL, her DH and her DS who is the same age as my DD so would be a shame. We also very friendly with her DHs side of the family but obviously they wouldn't come if he wasn't. Then there is BIL who did come to our wedding without them but felt very out of place as he was the only one from her side and didnt stay long at all. So it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't come either which takes away him, his DP and his DD - who would love it as she is nearly 4 and we were thinking of getting a bouncy castle etc.

If MIL didnt come to your wedding, I think it is unlikely she will come to your daughters party. What do other family members on her side think about this? It seems odd they all take her side and boycott family events. Is she a very dominant personality? Isnt there any of them that could mediate/ tell her she is BU. I dont think it should be you.

Yes she is VERY dominant and they all listen to her because they wouldn't hear the end of it if she didn't.

There was a bit more to it as to why she didn't come to our wedding. I won't go into the whole thing too much but she didn't really agree with it because I was pregnant and didn't really like me "stealing her son" and was really funny with me right from the start. She is fine with me now but I am not 100% if it is because she realised I haven't done anything wrong or just that she realised she was going to end up loosing her DS and Grandchild if she carried on acting the way she was. She took all the family for a week in spain over the day of our wedding to make sure nobody went.

NOt really, I can get DH to speak to BIL as they are quite close but Sil's DH just does what he is told by SIL! lol

I never invite my parents to horrendous kids parties.

It isn't really a kids party as such. My DD will only be 1 so it will be more adult than kids. Only be about 5-10 kids but loads of adults. Just getting a bouncey castle or something to keep the kids amused.

But it won't be worth it if we don't solve this problem

YANBU. If you all want her there but she won't come because of FIL, she really needs to geta grip.

Basically, we are only have a party because we don't have the space to have a few family round to give presents etc so the hall is just up the road and really cheap so Just thought that would mean we would have more space to have who we want etc.

Having said that my parents and MIL don't come to my DC parties. Too much noise and chaos for them. But they are all in their 70's now.

FIL lives an hour or so away too, but I know he would make the effort to come up to us for the party, and he would just laugh if he knew that she was bothered. He has 3 young kids and I am not going to not invite them for her which she doesn't seem to understand

I am a young (ish) mum so our parents are not that old. MIL is engaged and FIL has 3 under 5s!

I am wondering if the fact he has kids with somebody else is what gets to her. She does have kids by 2 people but he was the second. (he isn't actually DHs real Dad but he brought him up.

For what it is worth, from what I have heard, FIL was an arsehole to her when they were together and if it was a recent thing I can understand but 8 years?

Invite both with a RSVP date.

Hold off hiring the hall until that date.

See how many positive RSVPs you get. If you down size it (if MIL's side really do say no) then you can always have a small do at home.

I think inviting everyone and letting them squabble it out between them is the way.

YANBU
but it would probably be worse if she did come, given this attitude.

Do invite your BIL etc.

Maybe when your DD is older, try arranging something just for the younger generation - no MIL, no FIL

I will arrange normal childrens parties when she is older, but just thought it would be good for this birthday to have a party, especially as I don't see a lot of my friends nowadays and could use it as an excuse to get everybody together. And to make a fuss of DD on her birthday before her little brother or sister arrives in april! She won't be the centre of attention for much longer (she is the eldest and I am preg with DC2).

I just think it is so rude. I have been to so many of their events when I knew I would feel out of place. I didn't get on with any of them, nobody would even speak to me and would end up following DH around but I would still go, as I knew they would find it rude if I didn't.

Invite them all, and let them decide if they want to go or not.

They sound like they are younger than 2 years old (ie they need to grow up).

It really is their loss if they decide not to attend a gc's birthdya because of some ancient grudges - don't let their immaturity and selfishness ruin you and your DD's day!

Yes but the thing is if they don't turn up then there probably won't be enough people to make it worth while having the hall, which is the main problem

could you not invite them but make sure they let you know in plenty of time if they can make it or not. Then when you have numbers, if there isn't enough could you not invite more chidren, say from dd's school or nursery, make it more of a children's party?

Probably not, but it's the only thing I can think of!!

DD doesn't have a school or nursery, she will be 1. Which is why the only children will be a couple of babies her age, and a few family ones.

I am thinking of just forgetting the whole thing but it just seems a shame not to do anything when it wasn't going to cost much and would be a nice get together

It would be a pain to have hired a hall unnecessarily if your MIL and her entire sheeplike family decide not to come. But it will be a lot more of a pain if you run the whole rest of your life to suit your MIL and her pathetic wishes. Make a stand, invite whoever the hell you like and if she/they decide not to come it is their problem. If you get so few acceptances that it is not worth holding the party at a hall, cancel the hall (hopefully you won't lose all your money but it sounds like it wouldn't be the end of the world if you did) and hold the party at home with the people you really care about and who really care about your DD rather than just themselves.

I am going to get DH to speak to FIL later to see if he will actually be coming if we do book it. We won't tell him why, or anything just say we are trying to work out numbers and how many children etc (he has 3 under 5s so makes a big difference to amount of children). And see what he says. If he is busy/away or not fancying dragging the whole family and hour or 2 in the car just for a quick [party) then all this is irrelevant.