My kids meeting ex-P's new girlfriend

[Opinions]

My ex-P and I separated 15 months ago after a very turbulent 15 year relationship which produced 3 gorgeous dd's. One aged 5 years and twins aged 10months. Since we separated my ex-P has been, in all ways, a very good father to our 5 year old and our separation doesn't appear to have bothered her at all. She stays with him every Wednesday and Saturday night. Unfortunately he is not such a committed father to our twins, he has always paid their maintenance on time but he rarely spends any time with them using the excuse "Men can't do babies" which to an extent I understand however it does give him a very convenient reason to not even try.

In the last 15 months he has dated a lot of women and it has been fine because it hasn't interfered with our kids at all. I also have met a really nice man who I've been seeing for 4 months but he has never met any of my kids because until I feel its a serious and committed relationship I don't want them to meet. He understand this and is fine about it.

Now, my ex-P has been dating his new girlfriend for 2 months and although she is aware he has 3 young kids she hasn't met any of them however I think she is putting pressure on him to meet our 5 year old but not the twins. She has bought our 5 year old presents but nothing for the twins. He informed me today that he will shortly be introducing our 5 year old to her I said I thought it was far too soon because he can't possibly be sure yet that its a serious, long term relationship but his response was "Well that seems really rude to her and I know her kids really well and they've been fine about it" This rings alarm bells with me because she must've introduced them practically the 1st time they went out and I assume that she must have done this with previous partners. I stress that this is just an assumption on my part because I know absolutely nothing about this women. I asked my ex-P a few questions about her but he refused to answer any of them saying "You must still really care for me if you are so interested in her" Absolutely Not!! but I do feel that I want to know a lot more about somebody who is going to be introduced into my dd's life. AIBU in asking questions such as how old are her kids? are they boys/girls? do they live locally? how old is she? do I know her/them ? I stress that I couldn't give a hoot about him but I do want to envisage the family my dd will be getting involved in.

Secondly, its really bothering me that our twins are being excluded. I said if she had to meet and spend time with our 5 year old then she should meet and spend time with all 3 kids in one go. He responded that she could meet the twins but wouldn't be spending any time with them yet.

Thirdly, and obviously this depends on what I find out about the woman, I said that now he has a partner who is an experienced mother there is absolutely no reason why he can't spend more time with the twins and have them over to his house. He responded that wouldn't be fair on our 5 year old because she wouldn't get enough attention.

AIBU here?? He has a knack of turning everything I say into making me sound unreasonable so I'm really not sure. I just think that I obviously cannot delay her being introduced to my kids but if I allow him, her and my 5 year old to build up a bond and do not make him include the twins now then they'll never fit in. Granted 10 months is young and they can be hard work but if she sticks around its only going to get harder as they crawl,walk etc etc so its never going to be easy but I do feel thats tough - if she starts up a relationship with a man with 3 young kids then she should be prepared to spend time with his 3 kids if she is committed to him. AIBU ??

I'm really sorry that this is so long . Thank you if you made it this far. I'm really interested in your thoughts.

Bump !! Blimey the board is going really fast tonight.

I can't work out if you want her to meet your kids or not, really.

I think it might be too early for her to meet any of your kids, unless ex-p is very serious about her already, which is not impossible.

I'm not sure it matters if she just meets your 5yo at the moment. There is plenty of time.

Do you kind of want to scare her with your twins a bit?! Because I think they should see more of their dad alone first, before they see her. Maybe.

I don't know! You might be being a bit U, but not awfully, and not terminally, and anyway your ex-p sounds a bit of a divvy, if you don't mind me saying so.

I think YABU, but I think I would feel the same in your position! He is their parent too and you have to trust him when they are with him, unless there is good reason not to. Also trust his judgement re: meeting other people, again unless given reason not to. Your opinion is not necessarily a reason; though I would share it, personally.

I think the ONLY thing here that I would insist upon and really challenge about, is him seeing all three kids together. His time with your DD is as a parent, and he chose to have a second child - along with that choice goes the responsibility of caring for ALL the kids, and along with that of course you accept that your firstborn doesn't often get one to one any more. I think that needs sorting, asap. Good luck.

I think your ex needs to start spending more time with the twins on his own. The gf can wait. My dh and I were very serious after 2 months, and he'd met my dd before then, but I wouldn't recommend it to everyone!

Your twins will not be bothered by who they meet at their age, I'd be more concerned about my 5 year old becoming attached to a new lady too soon- and she sounds keen, buying her presents etc.

Also, I think you do have a right to ask who your dd is spending time with, but don't expect to find out the answer! My dd is 3 and when she visits her bio dad, I've no idea where she goes or who she sees. I have to trust ex that he is making wise decisions when she is in his care.

YANU to feel however you are feeling- it is a tricky situation and it can't be easy on you being on your own with such young twins.

Good luck

I dont think yabu.

If three potential stepkids are too much for her she shouldn't have bothered with him.

You cant pick and choose which of your partner's kids you would like to meet. How immature on her part.

He has three children. She knows this.

I'm not sure that you can or should try to control what your ex does when he is not with you. Your views on the best way to manage introductions is not necessarily the only way. I can understand your frustration with your ex for having your dd but not your twins, but I think that is something for you to work out with your ex, and not really to do with who he choses to go out with. Does your ex ask you about your BF, or who you introduce to the children when they are with you?

I don't know why you think it is her choosing to meet your five year old, as from what you have said the five year old stays with him regularly but the twins possibly not at all? I think your focus should be on your ex and his relationship with all his children. I think you should start by thinking how you can gently introduce him to the concept of looking after the twins. Could they perhaps stay with him on Saturdays, but possibly not over night?

Men "don't do babies" is a pretty feeble excuse in my book. I'm not incredibly keen on babies either, but your children are your children.

You have to separate the 2 issues here:

1. he hasn't bonded well with the twins
   2)It maybe time to introduce a new 'step-mum'.

2. is hard but if your ex is a good dad then I can understand why he wants his new partner to meet the very important people in his life (dd) - in fact it would be more worrying if he didn't...which leads to 1) the twins, ..he has to sort himself out - spend more time with them perhaps? how old are they? young twins could be quite daunting for any man on his own.

I don't think i would want her to meet my children just yet either.
but i agree that if she is going to meet any, she should meet all.

i think i would push the fact that he has 3 children who should be treated equally. it will ruin his relationship with all 3 children if he continues to exclude the twins in this way.

Thanks for your responses - I'll try and answer them.

PB - No I definately don't want her to meet any of the kids at this point. I agree that its far too early and I think he should know her at least 6 months before introducing her to our 5yr old but from what he has said it'll probably be this weekend and I can't really do anything to stop that. I'm scared that if she just meets the 5 yr old for now then at what point will the twins fit in? The excuses will be 'they're too young' followed by 'can't mind them coz their crawling/walking/running' etc so I can just see the excuses going on for a long time. I think probably yes I do want to scare her a bit because if she sticks it out with all 3 of them then fair play to her but if she thinks she can only deal with them once they turn 5 years then I want her to decide to get out now so yes it is a bit of a scare tactic. I will definately push for more time with their dad but if she is with him most of the time it'll involve her anyhow.

SB Yes I 100% trust him with our 5 yr old but he has never had the twins alone because he refuses but I'm sure he'd be okay for a little while and I'm 5 mins down the road!?! I have no idea if I trust his judgement with regards to other women because we were together a long time and I've never met any of his recent girlfriends so I can't comment. WRT his male friends some are fine and some are complete prats so no help there.

CoT I agree that relationships can be very serious after 2 months (each journey starts with a single step etc) but in your situation there was only one child and no others being sidelined. My fear is that the twins will never be welcomed if they have already set-up a family unit without them being involved from day one.

Oh jeez having read all your responses I'm still unsure. Shybaby I think you've hit the nail on the head about how I feel.

I'm going to insist she meets all 3 or none at all. I'm going to ask that he spends Saturdays with all 3 kids from now on regardless of whether she is there or not and to try to get him to set an age whereby the twins will sleep over (he is never going to agree to that in fact he's probably not going to agree to anything I say).

Oh shite, it was all going so nicely up until this but life goes on. Shite.

Personally I would not frame anything as about HER, as in !I'm going to insist she meets all 3 or none". Because that is unfortunately not up to you and you have no control (unless there is some sort of welfare concern about her). It's going to be better I would think to make this ALL about your ex and HIS contact. But yes I think Saturdays with all 3 is the least he can do, really, re contact with his kids!!!

I totally agree that it's too early to introduce this woman to your children, especially the 5yr old. I have seen too many people (myself included) seriously affected by different partners coming in and out of their parents lives. I don't care what people say, it DOES have and affect on the children involved! It's nice to see someone who thinks this way as most of the people I know just introduce their kids to any old person, with no thought going into it at all, it makes me so mad! I don't think that you are being unreasonable in any way, it IS to soon to introduce them and he needs to step up and spend more time with the twins (it's too hard for him too look after them but it's ok for you to get on with it on your own?!)

Nooka - no he doesn't ask any questions about who I'm seeing but I've told him I have no intention of introducing anyone to my kids for the forseeable future. But yep, that my choice and not necessarily everyones.

He has told me that she is very keen to meet our 5yr old and keeps asking if he is ashamed of her and if thats why he hasn't introduced her to any of his family (ie his parents/sister as well as our 5yr old)so I do think she is pushing it a bit. I can't understand this because I have absolutely no desire to meet my new BFs family but she obviously feels differently because exP met her parents, sister and kids very soon after meeting her.

My gut feeling is that she feels the twins will be very hard work so she'd rather leave them for now which is perhaps understandable but not acceptable in my book.

Sorry if my post made you feel worse . I can be harsh at times without even realising it.

Maybe if he took more responsibility for your twins then she would take it as a package deal anyway. Because it should be.

It may not be her feelings towards them...he could just be making an excuse... I dont know.

SB - no problem at all. You didn't make me feel bad.

In fact you're right, I think she might not see them as a package because up until now I've allowed him to step back from being actively involved. I need to change that.

The trouble is that all this "she says" stuff is second hand. One of the really tricky things about separating when you have children is that you are no longer (if you ever were) entirely in control. And that's a very difficult thing to accept.

At this point all you can do is work with him about spending time with your twins. I can see from your first post that they were born after you separated. I imagine that makes things very tricky, but you really do need to address that as soon as possible, otherwise you are right there is a real risk he won't really accept them as his in the same way as he obviously does with his little girl. Could he perhaps have a Saturday with just one of them and your elder dd (I am sure she would tell her dad what to do, if she is like most 5 year old girls I know) and then the next Saturday with both of them? Or maybe all of them but just for a short time? I think you are going to have to put your foot down on this one. Could you have an emergency and just have to leave them with him one Saturday/Wednesday for an hour or two?

Regarding the issue of the girlfriend, I think you have to accept you will be unhappy about this, but you will have to accept how he wants to do things.

Off to bed now, im so tired but will check back tomorrow

Hi opinions -

It is a hard one, I think as has been said before that there are two issues,

1. Whether the kids met her
2. the different treatment between eldest & twins.

so No1. I am a stepmum so may be biased but shall give you some of my hard earnt advice. Try and be on friendly terms with her from day one. You have nothing to lose by being friendly and getting on with her, she maybe around for a loooong time (8 years here and counting). And though I hate to say it, she has more influence over your ex than you do.

If you get her onside she maybe able to help in the future with improving you and your ex's relationship (which is so important for your kids).

2 months seem a reasonable time, and also as your kids live with you it won't be that huge a disappointment if she disappears. You are no. one in their eyes and always will be. (though I say so myself I am a pretty good stepmum but I don't even come close to being as good as my dss' mum)

now No.2 - that isn't her issue it's your exes issue he needs to bond with the little ones and you need to discuss this with him. But don't make it into her issue as that isn't fair on her, will alienate her and cause more problems in the future.

your ex may be scared of dealing with twins, and so maybe suggest that they come to your house and you can take a step back,

I would then say why not take each child out on it's own (separating the twins will make them into individuals and also maybe a bit less dauting)

I also want to say I am so impressed with you a 5 year old and twins on your own. you star

Thanks everyone for some really good advise. Last night I sent him a long e-mail detailing exactly how I felt and I asked him to forward it onto his girlfriend. I asked him not to respond until they had a good chat about it. I have asked that as of this Sat he has the twins on their own (without our 5 year old around) from 10am-1pm (if he is worried about that then its a very good idea to let him have one initially). I live 5 mins away so he has no excuse and I will not accept no as an answer.

In the e-mail I reminded him and his girlfriend that she is going to become a step-mother to 3 young kids (2 of whom are only babies)and if she is committed to him then she needs to be committed to the entire package that comes with him. She has kids and I said that she'd probably be upset if she thought anyone blatantly favoured one of her kids over the other and hopefully she'll understand where Im coming from.

I think thats all I can do for now?!

Opinion - Although she has to accept that he has 3 kids. Its your ex who has to spend time with the kids, not her. She has no responsibility to your children whatsoever. Dont mean to sound harsh, but she could just say il go out when the kids are here.

Wow. Just read all this. Your ex's attitude to the twins astounds me. How old is he? Was the fact that you were expecting twins a factor in the breakup? How come you are expected to manage 3 kids 24/7, yet he can only cope with one, every now and again. He might not like the fact, but he has THREE children and, irrelevant to the girlfriend, HE has to step up to the mark and take some responsibility here. His attitude is disgraceful.

my children have met loads of girlfriends of my ex h, and it doesnt seem to have harmed them.

However, I would be very concerned about treating the children differently. Also, I think you are very reasonable to want to know about her children. eg are they older, younger or the same age as your dd, and are they boys or girls? What are they interested in? when are their birthdays? (eg this week??)
Of course you trust your ex h to look after your children, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't know anything about the family in which they are living!

yanbu regarding the twins. i'd agree with you absolutely that he should be spending more time with them and being a better father to them.

as for wether or not it's too early to introduce his new partner to your children while i may agree with you i'd have to say yabu because part of seperating is giving up some decisions/parenal responsibility. so while i personalyl wouldn't introduce childrenthat early into a new relationship, it is entirely his decision a he is their father and just because the two of you have different opinions on a subject doesn't mean that one of ou has to be right and the other wrong. just simply that you both have different views on the matter.
obviously to help ease this situation for you it would be better if he volunteered information about them or answered your questions, but similarly it might help if you show (or at least appear to) some trust in his judgment of picking a partner, even if it goes against your insticts it could be a sort of goodwill gesture that would make him more relaxed about your questions.