To be upset with the person that runs this baby group?

[Mum2OliverJames]

i went to a new baby group today, i had been soo nervous about going and had already made excuses and not gone once.

My ds was the oldest baby there by quite a bit and because they were all discussing weaning the course leader (NCT trained) asked if i wouldnt mind sharing about how i weaned, which i didn't, i explained how my DS has a heart condition and how on medical advice i started weaning him at 6 weeks, and did point out that it shouldnt be done until later.

We went on to talk about other things and talking about sleeping through and i was saying how i think i am very lucky having a baby that has slept through from 8 weeks and is really good, etc. and she turned around and said, in a rather snotty voice, well other mums wouldn't think that they were lucky with him having a heart condition.

She really embaressed me and threw me of guard, of course in that sense i dont feel lucky, i just rambled on about how i dont usually think about that because you cant tell be looking at him, i felt as though they though i was a selfish cow who didnt care if my baby was ok, just as long as he sleeps through the night.

i really want to go back because there was one lady there that seemed really nice and i would love to get to know her but i am feeling really upset and nervous about going again.

Do you mean weaning from the breast at 6 weeks?

Oh, how terrible! What a cow. I bet you all the other mothers there thought this too. Can you go back with someone for some moral support and suggest another group to meet the lady you liked?

I think you have taken her comment the wrong way sorry. She sounds as though she was trying to be sympathetic to you, albeit, in a slightly clumsy way.

Go again, it was just a comment that came across in the wrong way.

yes i mean weaning from the breast, although i did still bread feed, it was too much strain on his heart to suckle for too long

i dont know anybody aound here, thats why i started going to this group.

What a horrid thing to say - of course you're lucky to have your ds as he's your lovely baby. You were talking as any parent does about the care of their child.

That was completely out of order and you should confront her about it. It is not for her to decide how miserable you have to be. No doubt you consider yourself lucky because you have such a wonderful little boy- and so you should! You go back and tell her!

Unbelievable that she said that! Best just to ignore such people and continue doing whatever suits you as far as this group goes. How foul of her.

To be honest most baby groups (play roups, todler groups, etc) have some level of bitchiness about them. my sister experienced some of this but i think you should just rise above it and go and let any comments of this ilk go right over your head.

Look at it as training for the bitchiness at the school gates when your ds goes to school.

TBH you'll always encounter people you don't get on with or click with these situations aren't any different.

Keep going. You'll find baby groups can be very snipey places somethines you just need to learn to rise above it. Or if there is a next time just say "Actually I find that rather hurtful" and move on. Completly baffles people as they dont know how to deal with such honesty. Good luck.

I am with smugmarried on this one. She probably was just trying to empathise with you.

I find it takes several weeks to really know if a B&T group is one that you fit into and want to spend more time at. If its not then leave and go to another. But give it a couple more weeks - sure it will be fine!

This leader (imo) needs to be a little more self aware. If she makes a habit of making "clumsy" comments then she is likely to upset people. Many of us that attend groups are vulnerable for various reasons. If she is the trained leader then she really ought to be more aware of what she is saying and how it may be construed.

I will go back, and if i get the chance i will drop in the 'i found that hurtful' if i get a chance.

She also made a big deal about this lady who was there but couldnt speak much english, kept saying things like we all need to come so that she could learn english and even made a comment along tha lines of at least you can speak english after i had said about how nervous i was coming.

Hi mum2oliverjames

Am I right in thinking you posted about wanting to get out and about but were a little nervous? Anyway even if not please don't let her put you off, remember you are going to get out of the house and find some friends and she's not made the cut

ps is this her???

Oh LoveBeingAMummy I had the very same mental picture of the group leader!!!

to the OP: this woman has no manners, do not pay attention to her as she definitely does not deserve any. I would advise you to go again to this group and make NICE friends. look at the ladies who stay the furthest away from her they are pobably a nice bunch.

even though he has a heart condition he is a baby that does all the usual baby things so sleeping through from 8 weeks was something you felt lucky about. Ignore her she is proberbly jealous, maybe she has loads of sleepless nights, and also you proberbly got loads of attention as you were giving your account of your ds and she was put out!!!

Message withdrawn

Tell her it was embarrassing - think the best of her if you can! It sounds a bit tactless, to be honest, rather than malicious, but she needs to know and that it could put you off coming. If she is a good person, she will be upset, and not defensive or horrible, and you deserve as much support to feel comfortable there as anyone else.

The remarks about speaking English again sound tactless rather than hurtful - but how can she change if she doesn't know the effects of her words?

i would take her comment with a large pinch of salt

i wonder if she was waffling on trying to get people to share and talk and so wasnt thinking as fast as she was talking - it sounds like she was trying to remind people of what you had said earlier rather than criticise

i reckon even those who lead these groups still are human and make mistakes - maybe nervous herself

give it another go - there may be others there really looking forward to you going again

i think you might have taken it the wrong way(understandably though)both the comment about your ds and about the non english speaking lady.id try again.

Could you ask her what she meant by it as it upset you and explain that you do your best to be positive about your baby's heart condition but her comment that other mums wouldn't see you as lucky was tactless and ambiguous.Her intention may have been to infer you are brave but it came out as if you are n't lucky.You sound very brave and lucky to me and lucky baby to have a great mum.

Hey guys, thank you for your comments, i wasnt sure whether to post about it because i thought i was being precious, maybe she didnt mean anything by it, i will definately try to have a word at the side next week to just let her know how i felt, not to make her feel bad but to prevent her making others feel bad, possibly unintentionally.

i had gone there after being told (on here) that NCT trained leaders can be clichy and really had just thought that it was that.

i will go next week and chat to this mum that was nice, see if we get on and invite her over for tea afterwards maybe. will be nice to make a friend.

i know i have made some clumsy comments before to people, and probably sounded like a right cow when i havent meant to. i will give her the benefit of the doubt this time because if she is anything like me she would have been kicking herself for the rest of the day cringing.

Snowcrystal, thank you for saying that.
i really dont know what i would have done these last few months without the MN lot.

YANBU what a thing to say!
My DD also has a heart defect and actually i do consider myself very lucky because my DD is still here and since she was born i have come into contact with parents who arent so lucky.My DD is amazing,she has changed my life and i thank my lucky stars every day

I think she was probablyin a clumsy waytrying to show empathy. She mightn't appreciate that the reality of the situation isn't as negative as she implied. I wouldn't be too harsh on her based on one comment.

Perhaps she thought you were being unsympathetic to mums whose babies didnt sleep through the night etc and tried to even the score. What a BITCH!!

Go back and ignore her.