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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect inlaws to make some effort at xmas

11 replies

mariemarie · 24/11/2008 22:03

I am sooo looking forward to xmas with my husband and children. I come from a very close family and we will all be visiting each other over the xmas period and every year it is just lovely. However, my husbands family is totally different. In the 15 years I have known him I have never had a meal at their house. He has siblings and neices and nephews that he hasnt seen for years because nobody in the family makes an effort. I no longer have contact with any of his family due to loads of things that have happened over the years. This was not an easy thing to do because it really did hurt my husband but the problems they caused us just meant that the best way to deal with them was to cut all ties. My husband still goes to see them regularly (they dont live far away) yet if he didnt go then I know that they would not get in touch. Our children do not go to see them because they will only go if I do, so, on Xmas day I always make the effort for my husbands sake. I sit there whilst no-one talks to me and cant wait to get out. Anyway, this year it is my turn to cook xmas dinner, for my sister, her dh, children and my parents and I am quite looking forward to it. However, my husband says that he wants us all to go to see his family for a few hours on xmas day. I am willing to do this, however, they wont have visitors until after 10.30am because they go out on xmas eve and we cant go early because they will be in bed. I said to hubby that its gona be awkward then because I cant leave the house for 2 hrs at midday if I'm doing xmas lunch. His family dont drive so I suggested that he pick them up about 11ish and bring them here for a drink and to see our children and I could be in the kitchen doing xmas dinner for my family who will arrive about 1pm (way after hubbys family have left). He has put this to his mum and she has refused. I said to hubby that he should just say to her that he understands and we will pop over on Boxing Day but for some reason he is feeling sorry for his mum (who has never cooked for hubby in her life and who has never said she loves him and he has no recolection of any kisses cuddles when he was younger) and he said to me that he really wants to go to his mums on xmas day with our children. Should I stick to my guns and say no. (oh, and I had thought about letting him take them on his own but I just know that his mum will parade them all round her friends houses who live close by and they will all be drunk, smoking and swearing). God only knows how hubby turned out so normal and well adjusted.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted some opinions please.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 24/11/2008 22:07

After 15 yrs you know them pretty well. Stick to Boxing Day.

traceybath · 24/11/2008 22:08

Tricky one.

I see where you're coming from but if you basically spend every year with your family and don't even talk to DH's i think you may be being a little unreasonable.

Of course difficult to say really as am guessing there's a lot more to this story.

BettySwollux · 24/11/2008 22:09

Stick to your guns if they wont meet you halfway. I think sending your DH to pick them up and drop them off is wholly reasonable. If they wont compromise, fuck em.
And please marie, treat yourself to a paragraph or two, it would make reading this lots easier . x

cupsoftea · 24/11/2008 22:12

marie - write how you want.

You're doing the lunch so timewise it will be difficult. You've offered a compromise & they've refused - their choice.

mariemarie · 24/11/2008 22:13

traceybath
Yes, we do spend every year with my family but thats basically because hubbys family havenever cook xmas dinner. They dont even have a table!! They have a ready meal in front of the tv on xmas day. They have never even invited us round for a drink. They are extremely odd!! Years ago before we had the children we had them at our house for xmas dinner and I used to put up with there odd cold ways but since having children I find it harder to deal with. Not to mention the fact that the whole family are like something from Jerry Springer.

OP posts:
alicet · 24/11/2008 22:14

Agree with bettyswollux. Both the 'fuck em' and the paragraphs

However if it is important to your dh to take them to his mums I think you are probably going to have top back down. I would let him take them while you are doing lunch - less stressful for everyone. And as their dad I am sure you can trust him not to take them anywhere inappropriate.

piscesmoon · 24/11/2008 22:16

You have invited them and said that your DH will pick them up-they have refused so visiting on Boxing Day is a good compromise. (They pick the venue and you pick the time-perfectly fair).

traceybath · 24/11/2008 22:16

Well Jerry Springer can be entertaining .

If i were you i'd say to DH - this year the only real option is for your parents to come here as suggested in the morning or do boxing day as we have guests. But next year lets focus on your family (obviously not meaning this at all). But then i'm devious.

dizzydixies · 24/11/2008 22:18

send dh to visit, its stressful enough when you're the host without pandering to their demands

christmas is about the kids and their enjoyment, don't be ruining their day just to play nice when you probably won't be thanked for it

its time they behaved themselves and put their grandkids first frankly

thumbwitch · 24/11/2008 22:19

What alicet said - all of it bar the last part - make sure your DH understands your concerns re. the friends/neighbours/smoking/drinking/swearing thing - ime, DHs don't always know these things automatically

deste · 25/11/2008 17:31

You've never had a meal in 15 years. Think yourself lucky. I have had nothing in 37 years.

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