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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friendship question

17 replies

fifitot · 24/11/2008 19:52

My LO is 2. I stayed in contact with the women from my ante-natal group and all through mat leave we used to meet up. I am now back at work as are most of the others and our group has dwindled to 4 stalwarts. We meet occasionally for a drink and one day every 3 months or so with the kids.

Thing is, I only work 4 days pw and have Fridays off, I used to meet with one of the mums regularly on a Friday and it was great to have a chat and for our Los to play together. However lately she never seems to want to meet me. There is always an excuse. What makes it worse is that she meets one of the other mums on a Thursday every week. (I work on Thursdays)

I feel quite upset about this tbh. I am still invited along to the group stuff but don't know why she never wants to do anything on the Friday. Should I ask her? Am I being paranoid? Maybe I need to try and make other friends but don't know where to start.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 24/11/2008 19:57

Maybe there is something else she really likes doing on a friday?
Is it a different excuse every time?

CatMandu · 24/11/2008 20:00

I was a SAHM at this stage and I found it a little anoying that the Mum's who had returned to work would assume that I had nothing else to do but meet up with them on the one or two days they didn't work. Sounds a bit miserable, I know, but there's only so much meeting for a coffee you can do in a week without going a little mad.

Original poster
fifitot · 24/11/2008 20:07

CatMandu - I see your point but she's very happy to see this other woman every Thursday! I guess she's just bonded with her and not me.

Yes it's a different excuse everytime.

Should I ask her - which feels a bit scary but probably the best way to sort it. On the other hand might make the group meet ups uncomfortable and don't want to risk missing out on those as well.

(Can you tell I'm feeling a bit lonely!)

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 24/11/2008 20:17

I wouldn't say anything, find something nice to do with your child on fridays.

juicyjolly · 24/11/2008 20:18

fifitot...we all feel lonely at times, but believe me, as you LO gets older,you will meet plenty of other mums in the same position. Just try and stay positive and everything will work out.

Original poster
fifitot · 24/11/2008 20:20

Yes mrsruffallo I should but it's a long day on my own with a 2 year old and would be nice for my LO to have a little friend to play with. There also isn't anything on on a Friday afternoon where I live and I don't have a car.

I can easily entertain my LO but is for me really, it gets quite lonely and would love just to be ablet to have a coffee or something while the LOs play.

OP posts:
Spidermama · 24/11/2008 20:25

Try to find something else to do with your child on a Friday that you both enjoy. It sounds like you could be flogging a dead horse with this women and friendships aren't meant to be hard work. You may find you fall into an easier friendship which is better reciprocated if you step back from this one.

Sometimes you need to make space in your life for something else to fill it which means letting go off stuff even if its scarey.

I reckon you'll meet some others soon. You sound like a bright, friendly sort of person.

Original poster
fifitot · 24/11/2008 20:28

Spidermama - you are right of course. No point in trying to be friends with someone who isn't really interested.

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
babylovesmilk · 24/11/2008 20:29

I don't think you should say anything - you might come across as a bunny boiler. I would try and meet other mums and spread yourself about a bit. I made the mistake of clinging to a couple of mum-mates because I was lonley and am happier now that I have more friends and am striving to get to know other people all the time. I would let her go on her own merry way. Good luck!

rookiemater · 24/11/2008 20:59

Good advice from Spidermama. I also work 4 days a week and a few months ago stopped going to Mothers & Toddlers because neither of us really enjoyed it, and also because it was only the one day I really hated being tied down to doing one thing.

We do meet friends sometimes, but generally we fill our day with swimming, going to the shops, going to the library or soft play or playing bubbles at the sink ( Clearly in between I fit in all the other jobs such as washing, making meals for the week and trying to tidy up). Oh and some Chuggington gets watched as well.

alicet · 24/11/2008 21:11

I would agree with others to try and find something else to do where you might meet other mums. Back off from this mum a bit - you may find that this is enough to kick start her into getting in touch. Or you might not.

What childcare does your lo have? If nursery / child minder try talking to some of the other mums than. If they have one or two friends they talk about send a little note to their mum asking if they would like to come to lunch / for tea one Friday - I have met some lovely friends this way.

I was in a similar situation about a year ago where 3 mums in a group of 4 I was friendly with started wanting to do different things to me or things when my ds's slept. I was hurt and upset for a while but actually the people I have met as a result of not relying on them so much have become closer friends over time and actually I am a lot happier now. Still friends with the other mums just don't see them as often but moving on myself has helped me not to get stressed about it and take it personally which I actually think it wasn't .

Good luck xxx

Original poster
fifitot · 25/11/2008 08:26

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
MadMarg · 25/11/2008 08:31

Friendship has to go two ways. If she doesn't want to be friends, then there isn't really that much you can do about it. Perhaps she just doesn't 'click' with you? It doesn't mean that you aren't a nice person, but personalities are funny things.

sparklestickchick · 25/11/2008 08:39

I think on a Thursday theres some group/club these ladies go to perhaps a mums and tods??

Maybe her finances are limited? so in a few weeks invite her to your home for a coffee?rather than a cafe?

If she is paying for a day out on thursday albeit a child related one she may feel guilty going out the next day? sahm have casseroles to prepare and bedlinen to darn you know .

Why dont you book a day off one Thursday and ask if you can go along with them?

Enjoy fridays as your lo gets older you can have a lot of fun together-meanwhile ask your h.v for a list of baby groups.

As a side note when you become a mum you become part of a unit that can make friends in similar situations that a rock solid yet slide when situtions change so dont always think that your friendships are forever its not a slur on you its the way it goes all through your childs life.

Chirpygirl · 25/11/2008 08:42

You could be my friend posting this!
I am SAHM and she doesn't work fridays but a lot of times we are busy. If we go away for the weekend we leave friday morning, or I have to get shopping in for weekend, or a myriad of other 'excuses' which are valid reasons but still mean I can't make a lot of fridays.

I have SAHM friedns who I don't see for weeks at a time as we don't have the same time free so don't feel bad, as others say, try and see if you can meet up with other people and maybe she will be free soon but if not you will have someone to talk to!

LoveBeingAMummy · 25/11/2008 10:24

Are you trying to meet her every week? MAybe you could say that you would like to meet up on x date in the future and that way you'll know

troutpout · 25/11/2008 10:35

Agree with spidermama

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