to feel, well, a bit miffed ..

[Countingthegreyhairs]

I'm genuinely interested in whether I'm justified in feeling a bit sorry for myself or ....please feel free to administer a sharp kick up the rear ....

I'm an expat. I've arranged to visit my family at the end of November because we are spending Christmas with dh's family this year.

I have one child (5 yrs).

I can't stay with my sister as I would normally do because my brother and his young family will be staying there at the same time.

That leaves my mother's 4-bedroomed house (5 mins away) but she is 81, is in good health but rather frail and finds visitors now "a bit too much" so I'm now having to look around for a hotel room and tbh, I feel a bit upset about it.

This has happened a few times in the past year or so but this is the first time I feel, well, a bit miserable about it.

On the one hand I completely understand. I find having visitors to stay quite stressful and I'm half my mother's age. I'm a good "guest": I clean up after myself, I cook, I shop, I try and fit in with my mother's routine etc and I make sure we are out of the house for long periods, but dd is quite an energetic and noisy child.

On the other hand, I feel a bit hurt that I fall under the category of "burdensome guest" in my mother's eyes, particularly when I only get to see my family once or twice a year.

So, AIBU or not?

YANBU

sad for you

YADNBU. I'd be very hurt if my family/mum treated me in this way.

I would be making a big song and dance about this, tbh, and insist that room was made available for me.

Personally, I think YANBU at all. In my family, this would be considered very rude and unfriendly. And why do your brother and his family get preference?

But... in each family, there are unique dynamics. Is this normal? Is it how it's always been? Has your mother always been a bit unfriendly in this way? In which case, while I sympathise, I'd say that's just the way it is, but I'd be less willing to visit.

YANBU. Your mpother sounds like a crotchety selfish old bat

So it's not just my mother who is an old bat

She does not come down to us at Christmas any more - prefers her own company. Infact she'd probably die if I said we were coming up for Christmas.

Mind you, we have 2 DC and DS drives me to distraction, never mind an old bat!

YANBU perhaps you could arrange to spend the day times at your sisters so you are just staying overnight with your Mum?

Does seem a bit crazy & expensive?

YANBU at all! Ask your mother how she would feel if you couldn't come at all because you had nowhere to stay!!

Lordy, my mother is 73 and very ill, but she would be horrified at the thought of her children not staying with her unless there was a darn good reason (staying with in-laws occasionally JUST qualifies ).

I too get to see her only once a year, and it is the breakfasts, and coffees and so on that are the most valuable, and you don't get them staying elsewhere. My parents just adore being woken up by DS in the morning, too. In fact when I stayed with my in-laws for the weekend in the middle of one trip they slept in because they had become used to not setting the alarm clock!!!!!

Is this the house you grew up in? I know I shouldn't, but I still think of my mum's house as mine too, despite having moved out twenty years ago!

YANBU at all, and what a shame your mum feels that way. Has it always been like this?

My mum was much the same when my ds's were younger, but she finds them easier to cope with now they're older, even though she too is older and her health is not as good - so strange as it sounds, things may get better as your dd grows up.

Oh - and I don't think you're unreasonable to be miffed either.

Surely if you stay at your mums you will be a help, not a hinderance to her? Yes the dc might be a bit noisy but if you go out as much as poss, it won't be too much for her? It's not like you are expectin her to babysit.

YANBU, I would be upset if my parents were expecting us to check into a hotel.

One 5yo DC is not going to be much work, and it is you doing the work not her.

Plus you could do her shopping, errands etc.

Yanbu, we are going to a similar situation, my mum is ok for us to stay but my dad can only stand the children at small doses, so quite hard as well for DM stuck in the middle.
Hope you will enjoy your trip abroad though.LOL

I dont really see it as you mum thinking you are a burdensome guest.

It seems to me, that maybe your mum actually thinks you understand that it will be tiring etc. for her and that she is a lucky woman to have such an understanding daughter.

Perhaps you need to gently explain to your Mum that your dd is 5 now and will happily watch TV etc quietly for the few hours she is actually awake in the house! Perhaps your Mum hasn't grasped that she is no longer an exhausting toddler?

Dont forget, you said yourself how stressful and tiring it can be having guests stay and you are half your mums age!

Daughter or not, gd or not, she is still 81 yrs old, can you imagine 'how' exhausted she would feel. I presume you want her around a while longer? Maybe you a giving her a really lovely stressless visit.

Gosh! So many replies in such a short space of time and all v. understanding! Thanks all. I really wasn't expecting that ...feel much more cheery now ....

Sorry you are going through the same thing OntheWarPath ...

It has to be said that my mother has never been the "motherly type" so we tend to think of her behaviour as "normal" and then today, I just thought, "hang on a minute ...."

It's not a question of my brother getting preferential treatment either tbh, it's just the way it worked out this time .

And yes TillyBat, mine prefers her own company too and so lives alone in a spotless house run with an unbending routine.

Well, I like to think I helped her when I used to stay Mme Lindt and SparkyBabe .. but maybe it's as Cargirl says (thanks for that too) Tbh dd never had the terrible twos or threes, it's only now she's 5 that she's quite "lively"!

She definitely doesn't know I feel this way JuicyJolly - I wouldn't dare mention it - and she's too old to change her ways so I don't think there's much point in doing so tbh.

I'm definitely going to be staying in a hotel, it's not so much the cost (complete waste of money that it is) or the inconvenience I mind, just the fact that, as an expat, "home" (even though it's not the house I grew up in) becomes even more important somehow. Sounds silly now I'm over 4O but there you go!

You won't believe this but my mother even stipulates time periods in the morning and afternoon when I am "permitted" to telephone so her routine isn't interrupted!!

I once didn't telephone as an experiment and I was the one who "gave in" after hearing nothing for 6 and a half weeks ....

Anyway, now I know I am not unjustified in feeling a bit sad, I (wierdly) feel much, much happier!! Thanks for your all your replies including those I haven't mentioned by name...!!

sounds like she has OCD!!!!

God i would be very if i were you. YANBU x

I feel sorry that you feel upset but your mother is entitled to an easy life at her age.

No, I do see that side of it Juicy Jolly and we will be staying elsewhere. It's her house after all and we've never been a family who live in one another's pockets - we do respect one another's space.

I think the main difficulty is that she finds it hard to let other people "help" as she likes things done "her way" (she's very independent which is admirable) and so that's why she finds having guests to stay so stressful ...

I think there is a difference in the dynamic when friends stay as opposed to family though ...or maybe those distinctions become blurred when one becomes elderly ...

Sorry Juicy Jolly - that should have been a "yes" not a "no" (Freudian slip??!!)

Yes, a good part of me (the practical part) completely agrees with that TheNewMe

I feel for you. I used to live in the UK and now I live in my own country again. If I'd had to pay for hotels when I visited, I would have visited a lot less.

But my Mum is 'only' 65 and she is always keen to see me & gcs. (well, keener when we lived abroad!)

I am not surprised that you're put out really, because you would probably be prepared to make up your own beds and make your own tea and toast, just to be home.

Makes you feel like you've no real connection to a place anymore if you have to stay in an hotel I think.

well, that's how I would have felt anyway.

Countingthe..You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel miffed about the arrangements but what makes you the best kind of daughter is that you do get on with whats best for your mum and like most of us grin and bare it