to be cross with SIL

[titmouse]

i'm pregnant and arsy. I got into an internet discussion today with my SIL about my own sister and how I don't imagine I will see any more of her when the baby comes, as that's how life is, and my sister has a frankly mental work life which means I only see her 3 or 4 times a year. We are fine with this, we are still close, it's not an issue.
SIL said her (my sister's) priorities will change and so will hers as its the closest thing they all have to their own offspring so of course my sister will want to be around more. I maintain that I dont think this is true, I know my sister well, but anyway... so SIL was saying that she and my BIL fully expect our baby to be life-changing for them too and to spend a lot of time with it. They live 200 miles away. Neither me or my husband drive, and he travels away for work sometimes 6 or 7 weeks at a time. He's not an easy man to pin down to weekend visits or family trips etc, and never has been.

The bit I might be being unreasonable about is how bloody annoyed this got me, as my husband works away, alot, and not only do the family not really try to see us together, they don't even ask if I am ok on my own week after week, and the idea of them suddenely flocking to visit all the time cos there is a baby makes me really cross. It makes me feel like they are interested in the baby but not actually in spending time with me or my husband.

My husband agrees that she is being a bit over the top and he isnt happy either. I guess because we have a completely different outlook on family to the rest of them (i.e distance is good, occasional visits are fine) we are struggling to see how our baby can have this huge impact on them. If it was them expecting their first child I'd be really happy for them but it wouldn't occur to me to start travelling to see them loads and imagining that I was going to play a big part in their child's life. I don't think it is realistic, but if we lived in the same city I'd say fair enough.

Unreasonable? Normal? just pregnant and arsy??

Does your SIL have children yet? I guess not or she would be too involved with her own children to interfere in your life.

I would not say that my SIL having her first child was life altering for me, or for DH. Yes, we visited and were pleased for them but it was their baby not ours.

Don't fuss about it, when the baby is here, she will make the effort once or twice then leave you in peace. I can't imagine that they will visit you so often when they live so far away.

hi Mme Lindt,

no chidren, recently married and desperate to have kids. I wondered if that isn't helping. not TTC or anything, just wants a family.

ignore her. dont bother being cross. it's all twaddle.

Don't know all the ins and outs obviously but I think she was actually saying rather a sweet thing to you - ie, that she and her DH are really thrilled about the baby and it is an exciting/significant event for them.

FWIW, I don't think she's being realistic about suddenly spending masses of time with you (because real life will get in the way of plans) but I'd be quite touched by what she said.

When the baby is here, you might be really glad of her company (and babysitting services ) so I really wouldn't get cross about this.

A little bit confused here - you say you and your DH think that distance is good, occasional visits are fine, but then you're upset that they dont' make an effort to visit you?

Is it their fault that you and your DH can't drive??? (This is a particularly annoying thing for me, actually, as its very rare that someone CANNOT drive, more often than not they just don't think learning to drive is important enough to take the time or money to do so. Fair enough, but then don't complain about not being ABLE to drive!!!!)

Your SIL wants a baby, is 'desperate' to have a baby. This will be her niece/nephew, which can mean an awful lot to some people. YOU, are only her SIL through marriage, this is her brother's child (assuming that SIL is the relation and not BIL here!) so a completely different emotional attachment. Your DH, your SIL's brother doesn't seem to make much of an effort to see the family himself, so why are you upset that they don't make much of an effort to see him either??

I have sisters and SILs who are 'how lovely, you have a child' and others who would be visiting as often as they could if they weren't on the other side of the world. People are different.

I agree with bellababy - what she's said is actually quite sweet. This woman will be your baby's aunt, and don't you think your baby could benefit from having a doting aunt, who takes interest in him/her and likes spending time with her?

As they live so far away, I doubt it'll end up in weekendly visits, but maybe more phone calls, cards, presents, interest... and in my book that's a good thing.

agre with bella and marg

my sister lives 200 miles away, due to pressures of all our working lives etc we see here maybe 2 - 3 times a year. when her baby was born DH and i went the week after to visit. because we were excited and thrilled and desperate to visit the new member of the family

i think you should be pleased that your baby is going to be born into an extended family who are delighted to meet him/her

so many threads on here about people being sad their families don;t want to know

i am sure you will find a balance, but be glad they are excited for you too!

Prob just bit preg and emotional!
My SIL having children was important to us - our first niece etc. Also I asked my sister (no kids) and she says being an auntie made a real difference to her. We have always been close but now instead of 2 reasons for her to visit (dh & I) there were 3 (soon to be 4!). As kids change so quickly, she didn't want to miss out on this special time.
Just see how it goes and how everyone feels/acts when it actually happens.