to be slightly worried,,,,,,,,,,

[FrostyTheSnowgirl]

Hi I'm pretty new to mumsnet and wasn't sure where to post this.

Long story short, I'm a lone parent and my exp and I have an access arrangement for our ds sorted through the courts etc etc as he refused to bring him back one day when he was only 5 weeks old.

Anyway, when my ds started nursery (he's almost 2 now) I explained all this to the officer in charge and that exp wouldn't be picking him up because of our situationwith court order.

I had to take our ds to a&e yesterday after a fall at nursery and exp took us and in the car on the way he asked if there was a woman called "A" who worked at ds's nursery, I said yes, she's the officer in charge and he proceeded to tell me that she's a local in his pub (they live in a different town to us) and that she's always going on about ds to him. Evidently she knew who ds's father was the whole time and has been discussing him with him behind my back in the pub. I feel that she has breached my confidentiality a bit.

AIBU to feel slightly uneasy?

Oh I agree about the pub, that isn't appropriate. If he wants to be updated by them about him it should be done at the nursery or over the phone. And I think whatever she is discussing with his Dad, she should also be discussing with his Mum.

Is the nursery in a children's centre? If it is, you could always talk to the centre manager, rather than this lady. The children's centre are likely to have commissioned the nursery and will therefore be responsible for monitoring any complaints.

YANBU she is BU.

God I really don't know what to do, I've just spoken to my auntie who is in charge of the local school nursery and she has said under no circumstances should she be discussing him and that she will have signed a confidentiality agreement which could cost her her job if she breaks it. I don't want to take things that far but I do think she needs to know I know. My auntie says I should make an anonymous complaint to ofsted but it would be obvious who had made it......

speak to her directly

Frosty, its to your credit that you don't want to cause trouble for her but disclosing info could have had serious consequences, and if she has done it to you she could do it again.

yeah I understand what you mean, I wish I could just pull him out and write a letter explaining my reasons, I HATE CONFRONTATION i always seem to end up feeling sorry for the other person!

I would go above to her manager, presuming she is not the owner. alternatively ofsted if she is the owner. If she does this to you chances are she does it to others too.

I you speak to her directly you have no guaruntee that things will change- worst case she'll tell your ex to keep quiet if he wants an update.

However you could preface your complaint to her manage with the fact that you do not wish this to go any further than a warning, you would not wish someone to lose their job but you want the staff memmber to stop. It may be enough to achieve your aim

Good luck, I'm sure it won't be the first time you've stood up to people especially if you've had to go through the courts but keep putting your ds first and you'll be fine

Don't pull hiom out if you need the nursery and have nothing else lined up.

Shoulders back and head high.... you are not at fault she is and your ds should not have to miss out on nursery!

YANBU, I would be very upset and angry in your position.

If you hate confrontation then why not write a letter? It might be easier than trying to talk to her or her manager if you don't like confrontation, it would also mean you could set things out calmly and logically and get all your points across (I always find in situations like this I get flustered and forget half the points I want to make). You could put in the letter that you want her to be given a written warning for this breach of confidentiality and for the situation to be monitored.

Have you considered a childminder as an alternative if you're unhappy with the nursery?

I have considered a childminder but they're rare around here. He loves it there as he spends time with his friends or I wouldn't think twice. My mum could have him anyway, I just think its good for him at his age to go to nursery and interact with other children.

A letter is a good idea, Im going to hunt out my policies for the nursery and have a look at their complaints procedure and see who i contact if the complaint is about the officer in charge

How sad.

I can see that she was being very inappropriate, but I guess your XDP still cares dearly about his little boy, and the woman probably thought no harm in feeding him the odd bit of info.

Writing to Ofsted will definately cost her her job, I reckon. Writing to nursery possibly won't, but then you'd have to see her sometimes and might not feel that justice has been done.