to want to bang my DH's head off a wall? *RANT ALERT*

[shootfromthehip]

So DH works 1 1/2 hr away from home and commutes daily. He also works in a large town and we live in a rural area. As a result, he is not involved in any parenting during the week and doesn't do anything other than the odd lot of dishes in the house. As a non- driving (I'm getting lessons) SAHM, I am very dependant on the internet or him to get certain things. For the past 2 weeks he has promised me to get certain things that I cannot get here (my dress dry-cleaned for a wedding- I also need it for Sat so I can buy a jacket to match, a new pair of gym shoes for our DD for nursery as hers are burst, a new tablecloth [I tutor from home and the one we have currently is actually disgraceful- stained and covered in pen] and various other things).

The problem is that he is NOT reliable. He comes home at a different time every night and NEVER phones to let me know when. He tells me he will buy things and then doesn't- I could get them online but to save me the time he says he'll get them and then 'forgets' or is too busy. He promises to help in the house and doesn't. Overall he's a pain in the arse.

Things between us have been up and down recently and he promised to try hard to get things back on track (me too- I am not blameless in this situation) but I don't see any real changes.

His job is hectic and he has recently got another member of management approved which should help take some of the pressure off him, however he is not good at delegating so I'm really sure if this will help either.

But... the real reason I want to bang his head off a wall is because our DS is not sleeping and DH woke me up to deal with him last night, even though HE was already awake. Also, 2 nights ago I was coughing (have a cold) and DH decided to sleep in the double bed in DS's room. DS got up in the night and came through to my room while DH lay listening to him waking me up as 'he had work in the morning'. He then (DH) came through to our room and said 'DS is up' (which I knew as he was hitting me in the face), 'you'll need to sort him out'.

I have been up twice a night with DS (even at weekends as DH seems to sleep REALLY well then) for the past month and I'm knackered.

So AIBU to want to give him a slap?

AIBU for not posting this in relationships?

Sorry- am really f*&$ed off and tearful today.

My sympathies. Have you got any sanctions that work? Can you get him into counselling?

Here's an idea - do you have a shed in the garden? If so, can he move into there - at least then you won't be wound up by him sleeping like a "baby" while you and dc aren't.

Sorry your feeling pissed off, the night time thing would annoy me, if he is awake when your ds wakes up then he should deal with him.

As for the shopping you asked him to get, does he get time in his working day to do these things? have you asked him about it? maybe he just hasnt had a min to get out to the shops/dry cleaners, but if he said he would do them, he should make the effort or at least tell you he can't.

Sounds like you need to sit him down and have a chat about things

Yeah, think you need to get him sorted out before it really deteriorates. My relationship was like this and is ending for a lot of similar reasons. Let him know just how upset you are and make some rules for behaviour, look at counselling.

sounds difficult. I sympathise with him - 3 hours commuting plus a full days work doesn't leave much mental or physical space for family.

I would seriously consider how to reduce the commute - now job ? (not ideal in present climate), transfer to more local place ?, move nearer ?

Honestly - it is not going to get any better - so either find ways to live with it, or find ways to change it.

ps - I sympathise with you too - but I can see why he reacts like that.

Could you make a rule about getting up in the night - so DH does it Friday and Saturday, you do it the rest of the week? That way you definitely get at least 2 night sleep. Do you work FT?

My dh commutes too - and always texts to say what train he's on. Could yours do that?

I do sympathise, it sounds hard.

He works for a bank so moving at the moment is not a goer- I'm not totally unsympathetic as he looks knackered most of the time. It's just that he makes promises he doesn't keep. I've told him I'd rather he just said no but he continues to assure me that he will do certain things for me. We nearly split up in Aug and he asked me to bear with him til Xmas. I love him and want to get things sorted out but he is so childish and angry when he is stressed (most of the time). The lack of sleep isn't helping anyone either (have HV coming round to give me some ideas later). Just wish he would get his act together (even if that meant telling me he can't do certain things).

Ships, I only work part-time from home so most of the time it is just me and the kids. Don'[t have any family here. It's just a bit grim at the ,moment

do you have a bus?

you sound like you have a disability...you can't get a table cloth and shoes for your children?

thats probably ofensive to the disabled.

i can't tell you that he should get up in the night - becuase he obviously has a v. long day working outside the home.

this doesn't invalidate that you work in the home - of course i am sure you do.

however for paid employment ( as you know) he will probably have to be able to be sharp and make clear decisions.

i am sorry you aren't getting enough sleep - it is horrible.

but i think you are relying on him way too much.

to be honest, i feel more sorry for your dh. My husband used to do a similar commute, and was permanently knackered. I always got up in the night, to ensure he wasn't too tired to drive. He is probably desperate to get home to see you all, but when he arrives, is too knackered to be good tempered or interact with the kids.

Try to get out a bit - have you got local friends who can have the kids for an afternoon so you can get a break now and again. Are there any groups you can get too??

Shootfromthehip - he obviously feels that he wants to help, but then can't do it. And you are not unreasonable to find that incredibly frustrating. You need to sit down and agree together what he can and should do and what, for now, it makes sense for you to do. Make the point that while you appreciate his help - you are at home with DS so it makes sense for you to do certain things online or to get cabs into town or whatever while he is working these hours. Perhaps you could agree that you'll reevaluate if things do improve after Christmas?

try not to break up over this - if you usually get on great, then give the situation time to change, and just try to accept that things might be hard for a short while, but may be good again in the future

Actually Custardo makes some very good points

Tbh i think if you can order the stuff you need on the internet, you should not make your dh have to get them in his work time.

Sounds like he works very hard, not saying you dont of course

How about you ask him to support you while you tackle the sleep problem, but then don't expect him to do anything else? If you can get a good strategy, you might be able to sort the sleeping out in a couple of weeks (not sure how old DS is?). I'm not sure if you can do anything else while you are all sleep deprived, it affects everything.

Custardo was a bit harsh - I'm sure you could really manage to do the shopping yourself, of course you can, are you really asking your DH for emotional support? If you are, then it will be really hard for him to give it, since he is already failing you on a daily basis by forgetting things you have asked him to do. I wonder if he is also a bit resentful that you are at home when he can't be? I had this problem with my XH - he didn't see the value of looking after the kids & house - he didn't consider it "work" -& you earning by tutoring too - no wonder you're exhausted!

When I had a commute of this length (pre DC) as long as I had no work to do I slept on the train, it was bliss.

Sympathies to you (and him) my DH works very long hours when he is in this country, only seeing the DC at weekends and is away 50-75% of the time in USA/Aus/Singapore. I have a persistent waker aged 4 so am permanently knackered. Have no family (parents dead, only child) etc.

I also live in a rural area, 1 mile from nearest shop - but the difference is I drive. I couldn't cope with my life if I didn't, for a start I couldn't get the DC to school - no pavements or streetlights where we live so walking not poss (also DS disabled and special nursery/school 8 miles away).

I would stop relying on him so much, be more independent - using internet and local public transport etc if you can.

I know it is a bit 1950's but when DH is knackered and stressed if I just try to support him a little more life is made a little easier for all of us.

How old are your DC? Do you have any lovely neighbours, I do and it makes a big difference (only 5 house in the hamlet) one older couple (with young grandchildren) will watch the DC for me for a few hours if I need a rest or to get on or give you a lift to the shops.

You need to think of some solutions to the situation, a light at the end of the tunnel type or all one can focus on is how bad life/dh/situation is - I know I've been there!

Good luck

I have a very similar situation to you, except I drive (and work PT). I can sympathise, but I find the only way I can make it work it to act like I'm a single mother during the week and organise things so I can do everything myself. If DH then can help at all it's a bonus. I find it frustrating that he has no "head space" for the family, and do envy him his ability to just concentrate on work while I have to juggle work / home / kids but that's the way it is. I would stop asking him to get stuff and just get in online as it'll only increase your frustration. Also think you could ask him to get up with the kids over the weekend to give you a break.

well in the short term - don't let him agree to do things for you - because it sounds like that is causing frustration and he just doesn't have time to do them.

In the longer term - either you split up or you find a way between you to sort out the pressures on him - because he sounds like he really isn't coping which means you have to pick up the pieces at home.

I would try and get a time to sit town and talk about where you both see yourself in say 2 years time.

I know jobs and moving house it not brilliant at the moment - but if there is no end in sight you are both in danger of losing the bigger picture of your family and getting killed by the details of day to day frustrations.

I can see both sides of the issue.
If it were me I wouldn't ask him to get anything for you - I would just rely on the internet. This is adding more pressure on him. I would imagine he offered becasue he really wants to but in practice does not have the time to do so.

I also think that as he has such a long communte ( 3 hrs a day!!) that you should also deal with DS in the night.
The exception to this is if you do some "sleep trainning" - see what your HV says - then he should help out for the time being.

Don't split up over it -I agree with throckenholt, it sounds like he isn't coping.
Walk in his shoes for a week - do you fancy a 3 hr drive in rush hour traffic and a full day at work - never mind remembering to pop out to buy a tablecloth....If it were me I'd want to sink in to the sofa whe i got home with dinner and a large glass of wine.
If it is vital that your DH does this job with this communte to keep his family then it is up to you to ensure you make life as easy as possible for him at home

Sorry if I sound harsh - maybe you work too?
But in my eyes it is all about a "fair division of labour"

Thanks one and all for the interesting perspectives. I DO need to stop relying oin him as much- this has been an on going issue since we moved to the sticks (3 1/2yrs ago). Public transport is rubbish and DS (2 in Jan) is horrendous on the bus as it takes 55mins to get to our nearest town. Time constraints re DD and Nursery also make it pretty untenable.

I have at times assumed a bit of a victim role in as much as I have been 'stuck' here as a result of my own reluctance to drive. Am now tackling this to take some of the pressure off DH. I suppose his attitude is the issue. The precursor to this post was a big argument this morning where I was asking if he was going to get some of the stuff I need and if not then I would just order it. As he is stressed he is not actually hearing what I am asking but is interpreting it as 'moan, moan, have a go, have a go, moan, moan'. He cracked up and started ranting about how much pressure he is under etc, etc. I feel for him but get sick of being the whipping boy when sometimes he could make life easier all round by saying no.

And the sleep issue is pretty major- I am officially a grumpy and unpleasant madam when tired. HV has just left and given me some advice so all being well in 1 week he should be sleeping again. I hope

You are both stressed and tired. for different reasons. You need to sit down and talk - it sounds like you have a good grip on your own issues, now you just need to explain those to him, while making him see his own! Good luck!

FWIW, shootfromthehip, I've taken to emailing my DH with my "requests". That way he has something "tangible" to deal with, he can't say "you didn't ask/tell me" etc rather than me nagging/asking in the morning or 'phone calls to the office.
My DH is very stressed with his own business so all nighttime wakings I deal with in the week and he does at the weekend if necessary but DC are older now so we don't get disturbed as much.
When they were going through bad sleeping patterns we decided to deal with it when DH was on holiday so not so much pressure on us the next day IYSWIM.Good luck with the driving (DH & I am now sharing car - so we have that to deal with too ).

Good luck with sleeep and DH - You sound pretty grounded and I am sure you will work both out!!