to think this woman is patronising me?

[Moomin]

In what circumstances would you ask a colleague, in a meeting with other colleagues, to do your stapling for you?

I know for a fact that there are other colleagues she would get very short shrift from if she asked them to do the same but I was so speechless I just did it, fuming as I did so.

Rather than the actual issue (which isn't actually a crime against humanity, I will admit) do you think this indicates that she thinks she is my superior in asking me to do this? It wasn't a "shit I'm never going to get this done - Moomin could you help me please?" "It was a "Moomin can you do this please - I'm doing something else"

she gets paid the same as me but has some responsibility within our dept and my promotion is for something else which we both started recently. It's her first time of being promoted as well I think, whereas I've had responsibility previously (not wanting to boast but am just saying I've learned a bit about managing people in the past- the hard way!) How to deal with it? If I grit my teeth any more they will crack and fall out.

Tit for tat. Its actually good to do things for colleagues and I don't think you should belittle yourself or feel bad in the knowledge of being a good colleague or think others think they are better than you because they definitely wouldn't help. What goes around comes around. If you can drop into conversation with this women that you were happy to help out and in the careing sharing place that you work it would be great if she could do the same for you next time because as shes aware not everyone is prepared to help a colleague in need.

It would kind of reassert you as an equal and put her a little on the spot that she owes you one.

In answer to your question I think she probably wasn't patronising you but did pick you because you wouldn't argue.

God I do this sort of thing all the time! (or did when I was working). That is because I am very disorganised, and often run late. Your description of your colleague does sound a little like me (although I don't think I sigh)

I wouldn't mind doing it for anyone else - can't see why it's a huge bother to be honest (although people don't tend to ask me because I have a tendency to break staplers). It sounds as if there are other reasons why this person is irritating you, and the stapling is more a symptom of you thinking she has got above herself rather than the stapling per say. I',m not sure I'd say anything much, but if I did it would be in an ANTagony type way. Otherwise you are effectively saying that you are much too important to help her out, which is a little pot called kettle black, I think.

I know exactly what you're saying ANT, but it's just not that kind of dept. In my last job, nobody would have thought anything of it, but there again, it wouldnt have been asked for in that way (in a serious way I mean), it would have someone running in late and saying "shit I'm so crap I haven't done this yet!" and that's because no-one was insecure about their role or their skills... and I would be the first to wade in if I see someone struggling and offer help, because that's what I would usually do, but she didn't give anyone the chance to offer.

If it had been me, I'd have dealt with it myself - I honestly would - because it's just not anyone else's job picking up after me if I can't get my shit together. In actual fact I would have a lot of empathy for her if she wasn't getting this elevated sense of herself. It's a sign of the dept though, I'm afraid: very much a hierarchy, run out of fear and insecurity.

But it still pisses me off alarming!

you need to learn to say no, moomin

Ah, well that sounds more like a time to get a new job issue.

YANBU but I would imagine everyone else at the meeting was also or at her behaviour. They will have been thinking oh god X has got all jumped up now she's got her promotion whereas you will have looked calm and secure in yourself by (apparently) not minding.

Don't blame you for fuming tho - I would have too.

good point, nooka. I did think this myself when I got home. I asked dh, why am I getting so pissed off about this - is it because I feel superior to them? That's probably the case tbh. I don't necessarily feel superior as such, but I don't respect the 3 of them much in the way the dept is run. If things were more open and the others of us had a bit more a say, I don't think I'd feel so frustrated but I think they're making shit decisions a lot of the time as they only consult with one another: the blind leading the blind.

It's a mess really, the whole thing. Trouble is I love the place as a whole and the staff in other departments; they're fab.

Say No can do as you have your list of very important things to do & stapling isn't on it.

Moomin, the trouble is that liking the place can make things feel worse, because you feel that things could/should be better, and that you have a vested interest. You need to seriously think about how to address this problem, because I am afraid it is unlikely to go away, and may make you very unhappy. I think you have to figure out a way to either not be bothered, a way to fix the attitudes, or a way to move on.

Sorry!

don't be sorry - you're right!

I usually cope by sounding off elsewhere and it does help knowing that other departments think mine is just plain weird and I'm the only humanoid working in it. I can usually larf about it and can even get on with them all as long as I have plenty of time away, but every so often it gets on my tits and I get mad. Now I've had my rant I will try to think of another way to cope .

It won't be forever... something will give sooner or later

If yours is the only weird department there may be hope in the long term! You just need to watch that you don't become warped and bitter (I have seen this happen) in the mean time...

I'll won't get warped. I'll drive a bus through the department and mow tham all down before I let that happen

LOL! That's the spirit ;)

The very obvious thing to do here is to take her aside and say 'look xxxxx, re stapling the papers for the meeting the other day, I have no problem helping you out if you can't cope but I found your attitude a bit high-handed considering I am your colleague not your inferior'.
there, job done, point accross and you get a jibe in about her not being able to cope

she sounds a bloody nightmare tbh

office politics is so rubbish agggh

sorry nothing constructive to say other than any chance you can work freelance? that works for me!

Next time politely ask her if the admin team can help her?

I was once asked to go and photo copy something by a fellow manager in the middle of a meeting. I was not sat nearest to the door but I was the only woman in the room. I suggested he call the receptionist to do it so I did not miss anything vital.

It worked but he now hates me

Sorry, in answer to your Q. If the other person was sat near a stapler and was free to assist I may politely ask them to help while I did some myself.

moomin...some people like to create a dust cloud of fluster so as to appear very busy and therefore important....leaving yourself (who is obviously far mor organised ) to help her sort herself out, but she has been very clever in how she has done it, so as to givethe impression of superiority infront of colleagues, who even though the probably know you are both the same, immediately will get the perception that she is infact more senior...it is a very old trick and one you have to be ready for, bothe Kathy and Carmenere have hit the nail on the head....infront of others use the "oh dear me you dont seem to be coping very well, Here I dont mind helping you out, Im able to reschedule some of my tasks if you need some guidance" ...then to her directly and with nobody else about, use carmeneres tact about there being a time and a place for head games and this itsnt it, you are her equal and her colleague and she should remember that.

"staple the words FUCK OFF into a piece of A4 and give it to her "
absolutely pmsl

lol polarbear - that should sort it

Message withdrawn

was cyteen's suggestion I just thought it was worthy of a second showing

Dior you're right if this is a one off. If that sort of thing happens regularly then she will be giving off the wrong impression to outsiders at the meetings, and also the drip-drip effect will lead to the staplee being felt as superior even if it's not spelt out