to be upset that my friend didn't tell me she was pregnant - twice?!!!

[hurtttt]

Regular but don't want to out myself/friend as she very possibly lurks.
My friend called me last night and about 20 minutes into the conversation dropped in that she and her dh are expecting a baby boy in 19 weeks. I was happy to hear from her as I hadn't really heard from her since she was my birth partner 5 months ago and I had been worried about her. We used to live very close to each other and have dc the same age but she moved away about 2 years ago and has since married and had another baby this time last year. She did a similar thing then, not telling me and dropping it into conversation when she was about 5 months along. I know people are cautious about telling too early but I went through months of being really worried both times as I couldn't get hold of her and was really worried I'd somehow done somehthing wrong. As a friend, I'm a bit upset that she hasn't told me sooner, not least so I could have helped out and saved some of ds's baby clothes that I've now charity shopped! It has made me wonder if she doesn't really consider me to be a good friend, which is particuarly upsetting as I was so glad to have her there at ds's birth. I might just still be very hormonal and worrying over nothing, but I have had this on my mind all day. Aibu to be upset?

IMVHO YANBU but you are being just a little self centred, i mean its up to her when she tells you, do you for example know for sure that this baby was planned? if he wasnt she might of needed longer to get her head round it,also if you havent heard a dickie bird from her in five whole months, not a text or call, then i think its safe to assume she is very busy? i mean unless you have any other reason to think that you've upset her id just accept tht you have separate lives, and she hasnt meant to upset you.

YABU - it just sounds like she is quite private and didn't want a fuss - maybe waiting for scan results etc first. I wouldn't tell a soul myself until I was showing - it's horrible all the mauling and fussing to some people, and she probably wants to keep it to a minimum.

When I get pregnant I find a very large rock and hide under it! Have done it both times. Become a miserable antisocial witch (at least I have insight!)

I didn't tell any friends I was pregnant with DD1 til 21 weeks and dd2 at 16 weeks. It wasn't that I hadn't planned the pregnancies just that i feel so miserable and unwell that I don't want to talk about it.

YANBU i think i would feel the same

it is a bit odd, but at least you didnt find out through the newspapers, like i did with my sister!

I'm probably a bit like willthisdo though dp kept telling people for me, and choosing people who told other people, whether I liked it or not really.

Also, this time following my 12 week scan and blood tests, I got worrying news, and had to have further tests. I really wasn't sure what I'd do in the case of bad news and felt I needed to know where I was before I was ready to tell. Fortunately my further test results were ok, but maybe your friend went through something like that?

Whatever her reasons, she probably called you to tell you last night, and it took a while for her to bring it into the conversation. So, I wouldn't dwell too much on her choice to keep quiet for a while first.

No I dont think UABU, but maybe your friend is just over cautious...has she told anybody else about her pregnancy?
Does she think you have 'enough on your plate' so to speak.
Do you live far from her? If you do then maybe she thought it best to tell you when she was closer to her birth date. If you live a good way away then she knows there isn't much you could do to help.
There could be a perfectly innocent reason for her to keep it to herself for so long.

I would get in touch with her and tell her how you feel. You might be relieved by her answer.

i didnt tell many people in rl i was expecting till after 22week fetal cardiac scan. some only found out at 30+ weeks. some last week the day before i gave birth

Lou33, is your sister a sleb?

I'm another to "batten down the hatches and retreat under the nearest rock" when I'm pregnant. I understand why you feel slighted but try not to take it to heart. Pregnancy is a time when it really is all about the mother and the baby and not having to cowtow (sp?) to others' sensitivities. Your friend may well need your support in the coming weeks and months so try to put your hurt feelings to one side and be there for her when she asks for help.

yabu - I didnt tell anyone til after I was 20 weeks and it was bloody obvious due to previous problems -some people are just funny aout telling even to those who are close to them

I would suspect she had a good reason to wait until a 20 week scan tbh.

no but she is married to someone who at the time was v famous

I don't tell anyone until I'm past the 20 week scan (I was 28 weeks before I told with my ds - there were relatives I rarely see who didn't find out until they got the birth announcement). I've had losses & I hate being fussed around. Pregnancy sucks & I like to draw as little attention to it as possible - I know other people like to make the maximum fuss possible & love being the centre of attention but I hate it.

I don't think YABU exactly - I know some of my friends thought I was really weird for not telling them till I was at about the same stage.

Thing is, I had two threatened miscarriages at a very early stage (six and eight weeks) and was so freaked out that I didn't believe I was going to have a baby at all until he was nearly at the viability date (is now a bouncing vandal of 16 months, shows what I knew ). So I didn't tell people because I felt like it was jinxing myself. And I didn't contact lots of people at all because I couldn't talk about the pregnancy, but couldn't really think about anything else...

I was being irrational and I hope I'll be different if I have another DC, but just wanted to say it may well not be personal.

My best friend told me very casually as she was getting in her car after a visit at mine - then sped off!!

I was laughing lots when she rang half hour later - she told loads of people that way as she said people would know she had been having sex!!!

I found telling anyone I was pregnant really difficult - you spend 12/16 whatever weeks trying to keep it secret, whilst generally feeling rubbish and then you have to find a momement to make the big announcement. I just found the whole thing really awkward and embarrassing. I told everyone at work by e-mail, even though I was in the same room as them and some were very good freinds

One of my best friends has done that for both her pregnancies as well, telling me when she's around 6 months pregnant. We don't live close so I can't actually "see" her.
I still wonder why she doesn't tell me earlier, I am 11+2 and I am dying to tell her but waiting for my scan in 2 weeks.

Two of my friends didn't tell their own mums for ages because of their situation with the dad. (Either not married, or going out with someone not the same ethnicity etc) and I found that weird too but you know people make their own choices and have their own reasons.

Have you thought about maybe asking her why?
You might have to just accept that everybody is different and she chose whatever she felt comfortable with.
Sometimes I wish other people were more like me too ;)

One of my friends barely admitted to being pg in May and her baby was born last September! She had lost a baby the year before though so that was understandable.

I'm sure it's not a reflection on your friendship as loads of people keep things quiet .

I did that with this pregnancy - was bursting to tell people when first I found out but had good reason to wait for the dating scan. By the time I'd had that I no longer wanted to tell anyone. People were shocked when I told them and that the baby was due in a few weeks' time.

Oh dear, that's the kind of thing that we'd do. We're just generally useless and feel a bit naff doing the "we have a big announcement" thing.