to expect my mum to give money to a charity that I've requested?

[MissM]

For personal reasons which I won't go into here I've asked my family not to buy any presents for me this Christmas and asked them if they mind if I don't buy any for them (apart from the kids). I want to donate the money to a particular charity and will do the same instead of sending cards as well.

Anyway, my mum isn't mad keen on the idea but respects what I'm asking. The problem lies in that her reply was 'oh if you don't mind I'll send the money to X', a charity she supports that helps children in a developing country.

Now I have no argument with her charity - they are very worthy and doing good work. But I specifically asked that the money be sent to the charity I have chosen, because of its direct link with my personal circumstances (btw these affect the whole of my family, not just me personally so my mum knows how important this is). AIBU to expect her to do as I ask? I really don't want 'my' present money going to this other cause. Or am I making a song and dance over nothing?

I don't think you'll get anywhere by objecting, tbh. Let it go, I reckon.

YABU

You cannot dictate presents. If it were my mum she would have said "if you don't want a rpesent thats fine" but she wouldn't donate her money to a charity.

Sorry if its important to you but you just can't be prescriptive about gifts IMVHO.

I think she is perfectly entitled to send it to whichever charity she wishes.

I assume you've chosen to send the money for her present to the charity of your choice?

Surely she's just doing the same?

YANBU to expect your mum to give your present to the charity you choose. After all, it is your present.

If you'd asked for a book, you would be a bit naffed off if she turned round and said no, I'd rather buy you a different book, one I prefer.

However, you are deciding to give HER present to your charity too. Maybe you could give the money you'd spend on her to her charity and ask her to give your gift to your charity.

but then I don;t really understand charity gifts.

The only solution would be to ask for money and then donate the money where you wish.

It's meant to be your present and you are choosing to give that present over to the charity that means alot to you.
I don't understand why your mum would do anything else tbh.

sorry i'm not sure if i've followed this corrctly.so you aren't buying them presents.but still expect them to give money to a charity of your choice?

Hmm, Neen perhaps you're right. I should give the money I'd spend on her present to her charity and ask her to give the money she'd spend on mine to my charity. Although that way I feel like I may as well just get her a present full stop!

Swings and roundabouts, no? You decide where her present money goes, she decides where your money goes.

You don't get to decide what present she gives you imo.

No mayor, I've asked that they don't buy me presents and give the money to a certain charity instead, but also asked if they mind if I do the same i.e. not buy them presents but donate the money instead.

if you are trying to raise money for your chosen charity then why ot go around the family asking for donations as large as they would like to give and offer in exchange that they need not buy you a present.

That way they can give as much (or little) as they want and have the choice to buy you a present or not.

I can understand it might be important to you - if its something thats so important to you is it not an important cause to your mum also? If for some reason not, then it does all sound a bit coerced.

just say no presents this year, i'm going to give the money to X charity instead and then its upto everyone else what they do with their money, you can't dictate and they may decide to keep the money.
We are pretty skint this year and if we agreed no presents i wouldn't send money to charity, i would get dd something extra or use it for bills.

"No mayor, I've asked that they don't buy me presents and give the money to a certain charity instead, but also asked if they mind if I do the same i.e. not buy them presents but donate the money instead. "

sorry i do think yabu a little bit. you are trying to dictate who is buying presents and who is not.and where both sets of allotted money goes. i'm not trying to have a go, i thik tha perhaops you have become too involved/a bit blinded by your cause to see how this is a bit off.

still fair play to you for giving up your chrictmas presents for a charitable cause, hopefully more of your family will think about following your lead.

people might also be more inclined to be generous/donate if you had some kind of target or concrete thing you wanted your charity to have. Otherwise people feel that their £20 is a waste of time.

Well the charity is very dear to all our hearts because of what has happened to our family this year. I just feel like i have all I need and would rather my money go to a cause (it is a very concrete one). But this is really useful cos it was ticking around in my head and I didn't know if I was being unreasonable or just over-sensitive.

TBH we never make a big fuss of Christmas anyway, usually have a Secret Santa-type deal where we buy one person a present and have an upper spending limit. I just thought that this year I might do things a bit differently but wanted to get the family's agreement, rather than saying 'this is how it should be'.