You know how there are things that just push your buttons....

[Bathsheba]

My MIL is under a LOT of stress. Her DH is probably terminally ill (no confirmation yet but we are sure thee is little they can do for him) and she is having to care for him at home.

She is having a really hard time.

So if she had been grumpy or overwhelmed or snappy or in tears, I'd have had absolutely no problem at all - completely understandable.

However what she has done that has upset me, is just casually dropped into a chatted conversation "Oh DD1 - you are getting fat aren't you".

For the record -

I am a big girl. I'm in the process of losing wiehgt and have currently lost 4 stone. I am receiving counselling to help me over-write all the things I have been taught about food from early childhood, how everything has to be finished, how sweet things are a reward for being good, how the quantity you eat is all that matters....

My DH is getting bigger - he goes through phases of being fit and then not-so. he was fed exactly the same messages as me when eh was younger and used to make himself physically ill overeating food becuase "it all had to be finsihed".

We are determined not to let our girls be like that. Both are petite anyway (neither my H or I are big in stature) and they eat very healthily. In fact, the only time they DON'T eat healthily is when they visit my MIL who is determinedto feed them as many cakes and biscuits and as much trifle as she can. We have let it go over the years with a balance of "Its one day every 3 weeks or so" and "she's never going to stop doing this no matte what we say because she is obsessed with providing food".

There is not a soul on this planet who would describe EITHER of our children as Fat. DD1 is almost 5 and KNOWS what that means.

I'd be really upset too. The first time my dcs heard the word "fat" was from my mother and I was sooo annoyed. Now DS is at school it is, sadly, a word I have found him using, but for your mil to say that to your dd is inexcusable, in normal times.

Yuu and your dh are very self-aware about your upbringing and have a really great attitude to bringing up your girls

It's terrible what she said (particularly given the context) however you can easily compensate if you don't see her much with 'aren't you growing' when she's going through a spurt. If, as you say, you see her so infrequently then hopefully it will go in one ear and out the other.

It's one word, once. You can easily undo the wrong of this word. Though I would be tempted to say to mil that you don't like that word used around the children - but if she's under stress maybe you don't want to upset her right now.

i wouldn't want my children to use fat as a descriptive term, unfortunately my sons favourite book hooray for fish does say fat fish, thin fish...in it and it does come across as an unkind way to describe it.

i wouldn't want anyone to use that term directly towards my children and a five yr old girl will be sensitive to how she looks...i know four year olds who are already concerned about how they look, after my friend said that her daughter wanted to look pretty for my son (i felt really embarrassed at that one!).

my ds2 has always been chubby from birth but at 20mths if someone suiggested to me he was fat i would be pissed off.

its not a kind comment...what was the reply she was expecting?

YANBU. My weight has yo-yoed over the years, although even when at my heaviest am not particularly medically overweight, but I'm sure part of my issues have come from my parents insistance about talking and judging my weight when I was young.

I feel extremely angry if they ever mention DSs weight, actually now that I think about it, it is just my father that does it. I certainly don't want my son to get any complexes and whilst he is not thin he certainly isn't fat.

I do think though that it might be a generational thing and it does sound like your MIL is under a lot of stress. As the moment has come and gone, I would let it go this time, but if there is a recurrence I would have a quiet word with her and ask her why she is saying this when your DD is clearly not overweight and would she stop saying things like this in future.

being under a lot of stress isn't an excuse for calling a 5yr old child fat

my dad has been under a lot of stress for past 6yrs nursing my mother until she died. in that time I've had 3 children and he knows under no uncertain terms I would not accept that as a word to be used around my girls who are not petite in the slightest, all had high birth weights are above average in height and are solidly built - though NOT fat

have a kind word in her ear, she maybe hasn't realised

and WELL done you for such a wonderful achievement, its something I need to do but keep hiding behind my comfort eating your kids will grow up much healthier and more confident as a result

Fantastic achievement I am . I do undersatand how her comments made you feel. I used to be very skinny , got depresses and put on 6 stones in 6 months that I am still struggling to lose (8years on). My children are very slim built but I can see the look people give me if they see them eating anything else than a fruit ( they do have a healthy balance diet). It's like a knife in my heart I can almost hear them thinking : "do you want them to end up looking like you?"

Do not listen to idiots, you seem to be doing all the right things. In your MIL's case I would put that on the stress she is under, but still have a quiet word with her to let her know it did hurt you and, as your DD has so far the right attitude to food , you do not want her to change because of some insensitive comments. I think she will understand.